Vintage TUF – The Ultimate Fighter Season 10: Heavyweights – The Finale – Round & Round

Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot

NewChallenger: We are now officially entering Twilight Zone territory for some people as we head back to December of 2009 where many of the faces look the same and YET…the world was very different.

The Palms Casino Resort was the host of The Ultimate Fighter: Heavyweights Finale and on paper, this is a heck of a card! In addition to our charming TUF 10 housemates, we have an appearance by Frankie Edgar who was on the verge of stardom and Jon Jones in his first big test at light heavyweight against Matt Hamill.

All that and the old trappings of these Spike TV broadcasts that we are all so fond of. Well…me, anyway.

Young GoldieAstonishingly, the guy in the middle is what I imagine a young Mike Goldberg would look like.

PunisherBass: As we’re shown interview clips of Kimbo Slice and Houston Alexander, which is in black and white and has been run through a very cheesy filter, it dawns on me that Kimbo has a real knack for dragging most of his opponents down to his level. Between his vastly superior experience and the fact that he wouldn’t have to cut any (or at least not nearly as much) weight for this fight, Houston should have taken this easily.

NC: Things that I miss from this era: the opening confessionals (Kimbo: “Houston…you got a problem”), the Zuffa gladiator, the aforementioned Face the Pain, and Logan Stanton.

Logan Stanton

PB: Allow me a moment to pour one out for Natasha Wicks. Her time spent cageside was brief but she’ll never be forgotten.

NC: Before we get to the main card, I’ll touch upon the two preliminary fights that aired on the television broadcast. Yes, this was the dark days when we would only get the highlights of the prelims and not be able to watch every plodding split decision between two regional fighters/TUF rejects/flyweights.

How did we survive?

Lightweight Bout: Mark Bocek (7-2) v. Joe Brammer (7-0-1)

I’m showing my Canadian bias here as I give a shout-out to the pride of Woodbridge, Ontario, Mark Bocek. Bocek retired a couple of years ago after a fine UFC career that saw him go 8-5 inside the Octagon. One of those wins was the curtain jerker of this card against Joe Brammer.

Brammer was an undefeated prospect that never became more than that after getting dominated by Bocek in this fight. He would actually only compete two more times before moving on from MMA. Bocek completely outclasses Brammer here, dictating pace and distance the whole time until he gets it to the mat. Once there, it only takes a couple of minutes to set up a fight ending rear naked choke.

Bocek Choke

Hope retirement is treating you well, Mark.

Heavyweight Bout: James McSweeney (3-4) v. Darrill Schoonover (10-0)

And now, more relevant to the subject at hand, we have Team Rashad favourite James McSweeney and Rampage’s best bud Darrill Schoonover. I remember rooting for Darrill in this one and if you’ve read any of our recaps over the last few weeks you’ll know why.

As much as we’ve dogged McSweeney, this isn’t a bad fight. I’m not saying it’s a good fight, but it’s not bad. That said, there’s still no reason for McSweeney to walk around like he’s King S**t of Kickboxingville. On more than one occasion he lets Schoonover hit him with potentially fight ending punches and Schoonover isn’t exactly Igor Vovchanchyn himself. McSweeney is at least able to stay a step ahead for the most part.

McSweeney TeepIt’s like that dude getting hit by a cannonball.

Credit where credit is due, McSweeney finishes with a nice combination starting with a flying knee. That win would improve his record to a sterling 4-4.

McSweeney Combo

Now onto the main card!

Heavyweight Bout: Marcus Jones (4-1) v. Matt Mitrione (0-0)

PB: Marcus Jones has to be one of the most awkward fighters I’ve ever seen. You know how a baby looks when they first learn to walk? Well picture a 6’6” 265 lb. man doing the exact same thing. It’s like a cross between Frankenstein, The Mummy, and a zombie. Arms out forward and incredibly stiff legged, no fluidity at all.

His basic movement isn’t his only problem here either, it’s his total lack of footwork. Any time he’s going to throw a punch, he plants his feet before leaning far forward and then swinging, sometimes he’ll also lunge in with his whole body. All it does is leave him open and his chin exposed.

On top of his piss poor gas tank, glass jaw, and other obvious flaws in his striking, his supposedly “excellent” grappling looks like anything but when he’s taking on a guy closer to his size. At one point he has Meathead locked in a guillotine for around 30 seconds, which Matt never attempts to push out of, he just stays posted up and lets Marcus burn his arms out and sap what little energy he had left.

Not that Matt is anything to write home about here, but I think the plan was that he could take whatever Marcus threw at him and give it back just as hard, so all he had to do was just wait him out. Let him make mistake after mistake until he hit E, and then go for the kill. Just a few seconds into Round 2, Matt lands a right to Marcus’ jaw and he goes down like a wet bag of s**t.

Mitrione KO

NC: Post-fight, Mitrione breaks out his classic line about having “retard strength”. I know it’s terrible to laugh at that…but I am laughing.

Before we proceed, I should mention there are things I don’t miss from this era: Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, and Dixie Carter from TNA Wrestling in the crowd, 1000 Ways to Die, and Manswers.

Lightweight Bout: Frankie Edgar (12-1) v. Matt Veach (11-0)

NC: Frankie is, like, my favourite fighter ever, you guys. And Veach has all the charisma of a lemming.

This was the fight that earned Frankie a title shot if you can believe it. Keep in mind he had already knocked off most of the other lightweight contenders: Tyson Griffin, Spencer Fisher, Hermes França, and Sean Sherk.

Veach was no push-over, actually slamming Edgar twice in the first round. He couldn’t do much on the ground with Frankie’s ability to get up and Frankie was taking him apart on the feet, but you could argue that Veach got the first round. He was a big guy with big muscles and as you’d expect he experienced gas tank problems in the second round.

Even back then, the announcers were talking about Edgar dropping to 145, which would have relegated him to the WEC. He stuck around anyway, which proved to be a wise choice considering his next opponent would be B.J. Penn. I still thought he was a couple of fights away, but he would win this fight by submission (his first finish in almost two years) and that was enough to make him the mandatory challenger to Penn’s throne.

Edgar Combo

The rest is history.

Catchweight Bout (215 lbs.) Kimbo Slice (3-1) v. Houston Alexander (9-4 [1 NC])

PB: And now it’s time for the “Special catchweight fight” between Kimbo and Alexander. I don’t remember a whole lot about the buildup to this, other than Kimbo almost killed himself while trying to make weight. And I should note that this fight was given higher placement than any other TUF fight save for Nelson/Schaub later on, because f**k those other guys who actually notched at least a single win.

Before I go any further, this will be only the second time I’ve ever watched this fight, when I saw it live I thought it was so terrible that the scores should have been 3-2 instead of 10-9 because so little was actually accomplished. I’m also writing this on a Saturday afternoon, so drinking a whiskey sour right now doesn’t make me look like an alcoholic.

Since the fight itself is deepfried dogs**t on a stick, I’d rather talk about a couple gems from Goldberg.

“So, you wanna be an Ultimate Fighter!? Both of these men do!” The f**k are you talking about? Is Goldie not aware that Houston wasn’t on the show or that when offered a “chance” to be a replacement, Kimbo turned it down?

“We saw on the show that Kimbo’s knee is a little worn out.” If you mean bone on bone due to a total lack of cartilidge and needing a complete replacement, yeah I guess that could be considered “a little worn out” if you compare it to say… needing it amputated. Here in 2015 I don’t think Kimbo ever did go through with that surgery either, far as I know his knee is just as bad if not worse today.

Do you want to guess how many minutes tick by before the crowd gets sick of Alexander just circling counter clockwise around Kimbo? It takes two full minutes until they start booing this bulls**t. There’s a very brief flutter of excitement from them after a short exchange of kicks and punches, and then guess what happens. Nope, there’s no knockout, he just starts circling again. Round and round and round he goes, maybe his plan was to make Kimbo dizzy like he just got off a merry-go-round?

Too bad this foolproof plan has backfired since all he’s done is make himself tired, he continues going in circles but at a much slower pace than before.

Round & RoundLoop this for 15 minutes and you’re good.

Some people still bitch about Carlos Condit “running” from Nick Diaz, but Alexander LITERALLY just spent five minutes playing Ring Around The Rosie with Kimbo, just with a dash of leg kicks thrown in. Only in the UFC can you find this kind of excitement and skill!

Ashes, ashes, nobody’s going down…

If this was a videogame, Kimbo would be an end level boss and his knee would be the glowing red “AIM HERE!” magical weak spot. It’s too bad Houston didn’t manage his ammo very well and since Kimbo isn’t making any drops, all he can do is continue to circle strafe.

With cat like reflexes, Houston actually changes direction at one point and starts circling clockwise for a bit, but he’s soon back to circling to his right. Going out of his comfort zone was just too risky I guess. If you look closely you can actually see a rut starting to form near the edge of the mat. No one is enjoying this fight in the least, Goldberg sounds more enthused to rattle off a 1000 Ways to Die promo than describe any of the non-action taking place in the cage.

NC: I’m pretty sure watching this fight is actually one of the thousand ways to die.

PB: Seven. We had seven minutes of continuous circling before anything significant actually happened, which was a Kimbo jab followed by a takedown. Don’t get too excited because 10 seconds later Houston is back to his feet and goes back to work playing Runaround Sue, it’s paying off because the rut is now a full on ditch, if he keeps this up for another few passes he’ll turn the octagon into a dome, the inverse of the YAMMA pit.

No, I will not talk about these two trying to grapple with each other. F**k. That. Noise.

NC: I’ll just leave this here then.

Kimbo SuplexHow jealous was Fedor when he saw this?

PB: Ah wonderful, they finally decide to try fighting for a change in the third round. Too bad it’s little more than sloppy wild haymakers being thrown by two guys too pooped to s**t. For any aspiring fighters who might be reading this in the future, learn from these two, masturbation is NOT a form of cardio training.

As if the fight itself wasn’t bad enough, the commentary makes it even worse since they do nothing but praise Kimbo and criticize Alexander. I’m sure they had marching orders to make Kimbo sound as good as possible, but they’re in full on shill mode here, stop being so god damn biased!

Why oh why am I wasting my life watching this fight again? I could be doing something more productive like waiting around at the mall while my girlfriend shops or playing Fallout 4.

The end finally comes with the now infamous GIF.


I’d like to think that somewhere, quite possibly in Quinton Jackson’s basement, Tiki was sitting on a couch watching this fight. One of those pink stuffed unicorns clutched in his arms, tears rolling down his face. He finally manages to eke out “Atta boy Kimbo… atta boy”. And then he falls into an eternal slumber due to an undetected gas leak.

Come on, you knew there was no way in hell I was going to let this be our final entry without taking some sort of pot shot at him, and if you didn’t you obviously haven’t been following along for the last couple months.

Light Heavyweight Bout: Matt Hamill (8-2) v. Jon Jones (9-0)

NC: To this day, I bet there are a lot of people who don’t know how Jon Jones got that one loss on his record. Anyone who saw it will never forget it, though I don’t mean that in a good way.

PB: This was the first time I actually saw Jones fight. I had seen that GIF of his spinning elbows and read on Cage Potato that was on the cover of FIGHT magazine, and that he had just made the move to Greg Jackson’s camp, so I was really excited to see him in action. I thought “This guy is going to be the king of 205 in two to three years”, little did I know he’d beat that estimate by a full year.

NC: Make no mistake about it, even back then Jones was being touted as a future champ. This is a short fight, but you can already see his great use of range and footwork, his speed, how he was blending his styles together. It helped that he was matched up with Hamill who he had a massive speed advantage over so he could throw pretty much whatever he wanted.

When Hamill finally got in close, Jones delivered a whip quick trip and then unleashed some of the most vicious ground and pound you’ll ever see. There were several points where Mazzagatti could have called this off, though I’ll play devil’s advocate and say Hamill always showed some signs of intelligent defence and if Jones wanted to end it definitively he could have gone for a submission from the mount. Instead, this happens:

12-6The angle these are thrown from would make Travis Browne flinch.

Now I’m as against the “12-6 elbow” rule as anyone, but the rules are the rules and Jones should have known better. There is a lot of confusion as Steve Mazzagatti initially takes a point away but then calls the match because Hamill says he can’t continue. Goldberg and Rogan say it’s a TKO victory for Jones and that carries on even through the commercial break.

It isn’t until Bruce Buffer makes the official announcement that we find out Jones has been disqualified.

Bones ReactionBuffer: “Ladies and gentlemen, referee Steve Mazzagatti has called a stop to this contest. Due to intentional elbows there’s been a disqualification of Jonny ‘Bones’ Jones. Therefore, the winner is Matt Hamill!”

PB: For those who might not be aware, Hamill was born deaf, but while he can’t hear anything he can read lips and knows sign language. So normally it’s not a problem for him to communicate, but when his face is full of blood and he can’t see jack s**t, it becomes a big big problem. So when Mazzagatti asked him if he was “okay”, he got no response because Hamill had no idea he was even being asked a question, so he took it as a “no I’m not”.

Steve Mazzagatti is an idiot. There’s also the fact that Jones dislocated Hamill’s shoulder with that slam of his, so it should have been ruled a TKO victory for him anyway.

NC: And that’s the 1 in Jones’ 21-1 record.

Hamill DownStill waiting for his shot at the belt.

Heavyweight Bout: Roy Nelson (13-4) v. Brendan Schaub (4-0)

PB: I had totally forgotten that Nelson walked out to Weird Al’s Fat, and it makes me giggle like a little girl.

NC: My friends were like, “Is he coming out to Michael Jackson?” And it took me a second to figure it out and then I just laughed and told them it was Weird Al. Roy is the best.

PB: There’s not a whole lot to say about this fight, Schaub is the faster fighter but Nelson is the harder puncher, and when it hits the ground we see that Roy has a lot more depth than simply smothering people.

Eventually that sledgehammer right hand of his finds it mark, and it’s the start of his reputation as a knockout artist and the first cracking of Schaub’s suspect chin.

Nelson KO

NC: Poor Brendan. He really does have a habit of getting knocked out in awkwardly memorable ways, eh?

And there we have it, our first all-heavyweight season winner, and really the first true heavyweight since it was Rashad Evans won the last time they implemented the big boys. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy, though you can tell Dana is almost choking on his smile the whole time. Roy takes the plaque from him and proceeds to press it against his face and his belly.

Did I already mention that Roy is the best?

Nelson TriumphantThe first of many victory rubs.

Before I sign off, I’ll just say that if anyone out there is keen to the idea, I encourage you to give it a shot and do a retro recap series of your own! If you can watch and you can read and you can write, then there’s nothing stopping you from taking a crack at it.

Nobody here is trying to be Hemingway. Write for fun and who knows, you might even find out that people are interested in what you have to say.

PB: Well here we are, we’ve finally reached the end of TUF 10. We really hope you enjoyed following along over the last three months. While we hardly broke new ground with this series, for me personally it was a milestone since I had never had a co-writer or anything even resembling an editor before. And I think the results speak for themselves. So thank you all for reading and thanks for all of the kind words and praise you’ve given us, it made all this hard work worth it.

Since people ask us each week if we’re going to do another retro season after this, and the answer is “maybe”. Neither of us have any qualms about continuing this partnership, we’re both totally down for it. The problem is time and our schedules.

We started planning this out way back in July, well before the series started running on BE, so there was a good amount of time invested just in the lead up. And that’s something we can’t put together right now, the time. Hopefully there will be a follow up in the future, but it could be six months, 12 months, or possibly never. We just have to say how the stars align.

So I want to thank everyone once again for joining us on this pain train, but all good things must come to an end. And in honor of the Alexander/Slice fight…

Vintage TUF – The Ultimate Fighter Season 10: Heavyweights – Week 11 + Week 12 – It’s Last Call

NOTE: Sorry to everyone that we’re a little late this week. This is a MONSTER of an episode so it needed a bit more time in the oven to cook before it was ready for your reading enjoyment.

Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot

PunisherBass: Well people, this is (almost) the end of the road for TUF 10. This final episode was two hours long instead of just one and features a whopping four fights.

NewChallenger: A FOUR FIGHT EPISODE?!? WHY?!?

I completely forgot this was a four fight episode. Why would they do something like this? Two fight episodes are already death, but four? Even spread across what is essentially two episodes, this one is not going to go down easy.

PB: I have a box full of whiskey stones that are chilled, the glasses are clean, and there’s still almost half a cask of Jack Daniels to get through before we can put a bow on this series. And knowing how much I’ve suffered up to now, there is no way in hell I’m ending this thing sober.

NC: For some reason we flashback to Dana White all but begging for someone (someone who’s name possibly rhymes with “bimbo”) to step up and take Mitrione’s spot. He even says he was expecting someone to lobby to become a replacement, which makes everyone look like absolute s**t. Though they were doing a decent job of that by their lonesome anyway.

PB: All the guys are sitting on the mats like a bunch of children while Dana gives one of his infamous “Do you wanna be a f**king fighter!?” speeches. I can’t help but think this is at least partly a psychological tactic, they take a position below White and look up while he stands above them preaching from on high.

NC: I just assumed all the fighters were super lazy.

PB: Since I ran out of f**ks to give several weeks ago, I now just get angry every time they throw another Kimbo Kard at me, so here’s the short version of what goes down. Dana obviously wants Kimbo to get back in the tournament, even if he has to pump him full of steroids (cortisone) and pain killers himself to do it.

Remember how it’s been weeks of nothing but Kimbo saying “I want back in! I need another chance to prove myself! Let me back in! Give me another shot!”? Well now that there’s a pretend chance of him replacing Meathead, he says that his knee hurts him too much to fight again and he’s refusing to get a shot or do anything that could help him.

NC: You can almost hear Dana’s testicles shriveling when Kimbo gives him the bad news.

What I find even funnier is that whenever Mitrione complains about his head, everyone is quick to mock him or question his dedication. Kimbo mentions a knee problem and suddenly everyone is doing everything they can to help him and motivate him.

In the end, Kimbo is just not in the right condition to face James McSweeney. I repeat: there was once a time where someone said they weren’t ready to fight James McSweeney.

Kimbo removes himself from consideration and I say good bloody riddance.

Bye KimboAnd take all your Kimbo Kards with you.

PB: As McSweeney is getting ready to take on Meathead, he tells the camera that Matt has no ground game (still holds true all these years later) and that his own striking is far superior to his. He also says that he’s going to be looking to land a head kick knockout. Either that’s a brilliant bit of misdirection on his part or he’s extremely overconfident in his own abilities as a fighter. In fact, I think he’d have trouble even kicking an 8 year old in the head, and I have proof to back that up.

Veteran SkillsNC: They really tried to portray McSweeney as a killer on this show, which is bizarre. He’s about as much of a killer as Che Mills.

PB: As I listen to Meathead bulls**t us about his phantom injury and playing mind games with James, I wonder if I should just jab a tap into the barrel instead of scooping out shots one by one.

Later on back at the house, Scott Junk walks in wearing a pair of wrap around disposable sunglasses, and I instantly know what’s up even before his voiceover explains it. How? Because Mama Punisher Bass had the retina in her right eye detach twice and has had over a dozen surgeries in attempt to fix it. Junk says the doc told him he’s done as a fighter, because when this kind of thing happens you can easily lose your sight. Again, ask me how I know.

NC: The fact that Junk has a legitimate career threatening injury only makes all the non-stop fussing about Kimbo and Mitrione even more insulting.

PB: In the van before they head to the gym, Zak Jensen gives the rest of the team the news on Junk and his eye. Marcus Jones asks if it was the eye Matt poked him in during their fight, and Zak tells him yes it is… wait a f**king minute. Eye poke? There wasn’t an eye poke in their fight, was there?

I look through my notes for that week and waste time skimming over the fight to find no mention or evidence of any eye poke taking place.

NC, do you remember an eye poke happening in that fight? I sure as hell don’t.

PB: I don’t need to go back and watch anything to know that there wasn’t a significant eye poke in there. Marcus is an emotionally unstable man child who has no grasp on reality outside of the one that is most convenient to him at any given time.

PB: Marcus is getting himself more and more worked up over this and he does it for no particular reason. While I’ve defended Jones before, I will not do it here and regret my support of him in the past, because what he does here is f**king insane. He’s basically pulled a Cartman and rewritten history in his own mind. According to him, Junk is now in serious danger of actually losing his eye because the damage is so bad, and it’s all because Matt deliberately poked/gouged Junk’s eye with the sole intent of blinding him.

I should note that Jensen never said anything like that, at least not that we’re shown, after he delivers the news Abe Wagner chimes in with “he might lose his eye”. And that’s what partly gets this giant s**t snowball rolling. This is like a crazy ass one man version of the telephone game.

I don’t have the best memory in the world, so I was figuring that I must have missed something. I actually stopped writing here so I could go back and re-watch the fight AGAIN start to finish, no skimming. So I want to make this crystal f**king clear.

There. Was. No. Eye. Poke. It didn’t happen, someone made it up, the only thing that f**ked up Junk’s eye was a punch that landed about 30 seconds into the first round.

NC: You spent way too much time looking for something based on the suspicions of Marcus Jones. You have nobody to blame but yourself.

PB: Hey, I wanted to make sure I wasn’t the one at fault here. Since he’s worked himself into full on HULK SMASH mode, Marcus storms into the gym and goes right for Meathead. He gets chest to chest and face to face with him, yelling at him to take swing and screaming “I’ll kill you mother f**ker! I’ll kill you!”

NC: I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to say things like that to someone, isn’t it? Good thing he’s not being filmed or anything.

Mitrione has no idea what’s going on and he doesn’t seem all that concerned. When you’ve been living in the manufactured world of TUF for six weeks, these kinds of things just slide off the skin.

Rashad hears the commotion and assumes Mitrione did something wrong. They end up leaving the situation on Rampage’s hands, which is never a good way to solve anything.

A completely psychotic Marcus confesses that he wants to choke Mitrione to an inch of his life, then bring him back so he can pound on him, and then break his arm. Keep in mind, a few episodes ago this guy was having a s**t fit because someone drew a picture of him and put a dirty word on it because he was worried what his kids might think if they were watching.

Marcus Loses ItYou’re too close, man!

PB: Oh great, now even Brendan Schaub is perpetuating this god damn eye poke myth. Is this just a form of mass hysteria or did the producers just pull this storyline out of their ass because they’re fresh out of Kimbo Kards? Right now I really do regret praising Jones in the previous weeks, I feel like an a**hole.

NC: Don’t feel bad. He used his “big loveable oaf” routine to fool Rampage, to fool Rashad, to fool America…I mean, he didn’t fool me, but I had the misfortune of remembering how his story arc went on this show before we started these recaps.

PB: Junk comes back from surgery and tells everyone he’s fine, and that the doc said he shouldn’t keep fighting but he can go back to training in a few months. This makes Jones’ epic meltdown look even crazier and more pointless than it was before.

This is the point where I was so f**king enervated, I had to turn the episode off and step away for a full day before I could come back. Writing these recaps has actually had that much of an effect on me, it’s been draining my ability to be creative.

NC: And you actually want to continue doing these in the future!

PB: Dana says that if Matt fights like he did against Junk, the fight is easily his. But if James has his way, he’ll be running circles around him. Uh… did you forget what he looked like fighting a guy with the mobility of a tree? Even if you let him ride a Segway around the cage, he’s still going to be all out of gas by the third or fourth lap.

NC: The weigh-ins get tense and McSweeney actually shoves Mitrione. This guy really thought he was the baddest motherf**ker on the planet, eh? Mitrione responds to James’ threats by…licking his own fingers?

PB: Unless he had just been eating a bucket of KFC, there’s no good reason for Meathead to be continuously licking his finger tips after they separate. Maybe it’s meant as some form of insult, I don’t know, but it just makes him come off like a sex predator.

James says that Matt doesn’t deserve any success in MMA and he’s going to make sure of that. Yeah, you can take that to the bank, since in 2015 Mitirone is still with the UFC and has a 9-4 record, while James was fired after getting knocked out in back to back fights. He’s now sporting a 15-13 record and will never be able to scrub that knockout loss to Gracie from it.

No, I’ll never pass up a chance to remind people of that fact.

Apparently Matt is like that smelly kid no one wanted to sit next to on your school bus, because he’s riding to the gym all by himself.

Mitrione AloneTeamwork.

I didn’t think McSweeney could make himself look like an even bigger tool, but I was wrong, since he psychs himself up for the fight by marching back and forth yelling to himself “Don’t come to my house! NEVER come to my house! He’s dead! He’s DEAD!” That wouldn’t work on a pack of Girl Scouts so I don’t think it’s going to work here either.

Quarterfinal Bout: Matt Mitrione (0-0) v. James McSweeney (3-4)*

(* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)

NC: When McSweeney sticks to his game plan, he’s actually not horrible. He throws a ton of kicks, though nothing significant lands thanks to Mitrione’s unorthodox movement. I forgot how much fun it can be to watch Meathead move sometimes.

PB: After the first minute is filled with mostly awkward circling, James is already starting to lose steam, even though all he’s done is throw maybe a half dozen kicks so far. Minute two is more of the same circling with a single punch being thrown here and there and occasionally one will find its intended target.

NC: Even back then, Mitrione was the heavier hitter. At one point, he catches a sloppy kick from McSweeney and blasts the Brit with a hard right.

The McSweeney SpecialNow where have I seen that kick before?

Veteran SkillsMitrione ends up on his back and he fights for a leg lock. In McSweeney’s corner is Schaub who tells him that Mitrione wouldn’t know a knee bar if it hit him in the face. Interesting visual.

PB: When Matt gets to his knees, he grabs hold of James for all he’s worth and starts praying for a standup, which isn’t coming anytime soon. After he shifts position, James gets an arm around his neck and wraps his legs around Matt’s left knee so he can go for a guillotine. It sure doesn’t look very tight or deep to me, but Matt is panicked enough to where he taps out just a few (and I do mean a few) seconds later. He didn’t try to fight James off or push out of it, you can see him just think for a moment and then start tapping.

Mitrione TapsNC: Wow…I totally forgot that McSweeney actually won this fight. That’s disappointing.

PB: After the fight, Rashad Evans echoes my thoughts, saying “Fight it! Black out…a little bit, don’t tap out so easy!”

NC: That’s bad pro wrestling stuff right there, with the hand raising up before tapping out. No attempt to fight the choke or anything.

Dana has effusive praise for James: “The reality is McSweeney has what it takes to be a fighter. He saw what Mitrione did to Scott Junk and he still went in there, fought his fight, got hit with some big shots from Mitrione, and imposed his will and beat him.”

PB: Yeah… he sure does.

Low hanging fruit? Yeah, but that’s what this show has done to me.

Matt says “I tapped like a bitch” like when he said “I’m just an a**hole, that’s what I am”, he’s not wrong. And this is STILL a problem for him here in 2015, the man has zero ground game (still more than enough to beat Kimbo though) and goes into panic mode when it hits the floor.

NC: At least Mitrione and McSweeney bury the hatchet after.

PB: While we’re shown some prefight interviews with Jones and Darrill Schoonover, I’m thankful that while parts of this episode have really upset me, at least there’s been no sign of Tiki yet. And I’m sure that by writing that I’ve just gone and jinxed myself.


Sure as s**t, like the stain on a cushion that will never come clean that he is, he’s sitting on the couch asking Marcus if he’s going to tear another arm off.

NC: Marcus says he’s just an average guy who decided to fight. You know, just your average 6’6” damn near 300-pound guy.

This is a good ol’ fashioned freak show fight…and who doesn’t love that?

Quarterfinal Bout: Marcus Jones (4-1) v. Darrill Schoonover (10-0)*

PB: Things begin with a brief exchange that eventually leads to a trip that has Jones landing in side control. He spends the next minute or so hitting Darrill in the head as much as he can while also doing his best to throw his leg over Darrill’s head. It looks like he’s going for a modified crucifix of some sort. I know it’s not a triangle.

NC: Marcus starts playing around with Darrill’s arm, but I’m not sure he actually knows what hold he is going for.

PB: There have been a few mentions of how Jones has great jiu-jitsu, but I just don’t see it. I think it’s really just size and strength mixed with a drop of knowledge, but against guys this green that’s enough to get the job done.

NC: All of this ground action eventually leads to Darrill getting Marcus into full guard, which is good. He then decides to close that guard, which is bad. His legs hug Marcus’s body and essentially help him to balance himself so he can start throwing some anvil like fists down at Darrill’s head. It doesn’t take too many shots to leave Darrill senseless.

Darkness PoundingPB: This gives Quinton Jackson his second win of the season and he’s over the moon about it.

NC: That was the first KO loss of Darrill’s career and a traumatic one at that. As for Marcus, the hype train around him was very real around the time this show aired. He had a distinct personality and as you mentioned, he looked great going against low-level competition.

And now we have our semifinals: Roy versus James and Marcus versus Brendan.

PB: Just how badly does White hate Roy Nelson? He really thinks that McSweeney is going to easily outwork him despite being the smaller guy. I should note that he’s actually several inches taller than Roy. I don’t care if we’re at the end of this journey, I will not let the UFC’s bulls**t distort simple facts.

NC: He loved James McSweeney and he hated Roy Nelson. This is a man who promotes fights for a living!

In a scene that’s sure to delight my partner, Rashad addresses Tiki’s sycophantic behaviour.

PB: This is why I still like Evans to this day, he reaffirms my love for him by ripping into Tiki once again, something we haven’t seen nearly enough of this season. “Tiki, why you always next to Rampage? Everywhere he goes, you’re right there with him. I went on your MySpace page (instantly dating this season) and it was nothing but pictures of Rampage or Rampage hitting you in the nuts.”

While it’s sad that we’ll never get that spinoff, a man can still dream…

Oh f**k me running…I don’t know what’s about to happen, but I do know I’m not going to like it. Alex, my friend, your teetotaling ways end here. You’re not leaving until this barrel is empty, so you either grab a glass and start helping, or else you’re going to have a very drunk and very angry giant on your hands.

And no, I’m not really giving you a choice here.

NC: There will never come a day that I’ll let Tiki-f**king-Ghosn affect how I live my life. You’ll just have to share with our lovely comment section.

PB: See, that’s where you’re wrong. THE DOORS ARE LOCKED FROM THE OUTSIDE! Misery loves company, and you’re my company, you’ll thank me for this one day.

Just like herpes, here comes Tiki once again. This time he’s driving a Cadillac Escalade complete with gaudy custom paint, chrome 22s (I half expected them to be spinners), and more peel-n-stick AutoZone trim than you can shake a double ended dildo at. He’s hauling a load (literally and metaphorically) of giant pink stuffed animals like bears and unicorns. Quinton says that Tiki came up with “a great idea” for a prank. No. No he did not. The only way I’d agree with that statement is if it somehow ends with him doing a recreation of the ending to Thelma & Louise.

NC: I can’t believe I’m saying this but…this might be Rampage’s most homophobic stunt yet.

Pink PrankA perfect example of a prank that takes way more effort than it’s worth.

PB: They insist that Team Gold HAS to get mad at this one, because if they don’t they’re obviously a bunch of homos. Though Quinton doesn’t actually come out and say that, instead he makes a bunch of effeminate gestures and faces. He hasn’t been shy about slinging all of his hateful bulls**t this whole season, so why pretend to stop short of the line now?

As they bring the toys into Team Gold’s back room, they also have pink party decorations, a male blow up sex doll, pink paint, and a disco ball. Their end goal is that by turning this room into a pink nightmare, the other team will be so upset and rattled that they will be off their game when they step into the ring.

I really hope that two things happened: 1) all these stuffed animals went to a good home after filming, like to an orphanage or some sort of charity; 2) calls were made to the police by concerned citizens who saw a very skeezy looking guy adding sex toys to the mountain of children’s toys in the back of his SUV.

I know I shouldn’t let an old TV show get to me like this, but this s**t really pisses me off to no end. Quinton has spent the last six weeks (in their time) constantly saying that a fighter on the show has “titties”, in fact he would only refer to him as that instead of by his actual name. And he went so far as to cop a feel on him. Does he not realize that he’s the only one who’s shown any homosexual tendencies this season, or is the irony simply lost on him?

And just when I thought I was done having to rant about homophobia on TUF, here’s McSweeney drawing “LINDAGAY” on Zak Jensen’s head instead of “LINDERMAN”. When Zak looks in the mirror and sees what he did, he calls James a “complete douche”. That’s putting it mildly Zak.

NC: I don’t have much sympathy for Zak in this situation. He says that he couldn’t care less for McSweeney and yet he lets him write on his head?

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, well f**k me.

Zak later tells the others that he might leave the country to avoid watching the show when it airs. That might be the wisest decision he’s made all season.

PB: The next day when Team Gold discovers the transformation their room has undergone, instead of reacting with hate, anger, and rage as hoped, they’ll all either slightly amused or just nonplussed with it. For reasons unknown, Evans picks up a pacifier that’s been left there and gives it a few sucks. I find myself screaming at the TV “Oh for f**k sake Rashad! DON’T DO THAT! There’s no telling where Tiki might have had that!”

NC: I can’t explain exactly why, but I’m not surprised at all that Mike Van Arsdale ends up loving the whole arrangement.

PB: “Roy’s never been knocked out before (wrong), but he’s never faced someone with my level of standup before.” Oh James McSweeney, how I hate him. He’s dead wrong on the first count, and only right on the second if he’s counting anyone Roy might have fought back in school. Also, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

While he’s in the bathroom, James decides it’s time to pull a prank on Zak, he’s going to pull some drawers out that will block the door from opening when he’s done doing his business.

NC: I’m not entirely sure I understood the bathroom set-up here as far as the door’s placement relative to the drawers.

Odd BathroomPB: The problem is that Zak is claustrophobic and as soon as the door refuses to open, he starts to panic and attempts to knock the door off its hinges. While James thinks this is hysterical, Zak finds it to be anything but, and he’s pissed off enough to go right after him once he’s free. And I don’t mean just getting in his face, he comes out ready to brawl by shoving and throwing punches.

They push each other back and forth a bit with neither landing with their fists, then James tries cheap shotting Zak by kicking him in the nuts (it goes about as well as you’d expect) and then tries to get him in a choke. Zak tells him to let him go and James says he’ll only do it if he calms down. James eventually relents but continues to act like the big swinging dick on campus while Zak tells him to just get the f**k away.

NC: This is one of those situations where the brawl had no effect on me because I was too fixated on the fact that Zak was fresh off dropping a vicious deuce in the washroom and he didn’t wash his hands before tangling with McSweeney. *shudder*

PB: Karma’s a bitch, and she’s packing cinder block fists with a chin made of solid kryptonite. All the affirmations, visualizations, positive thinking, hopes, dreams, prayers, and blood sacrifices in the world aren’t going to prevent what’s about to happen to McSweeney. He says “Do not turn off your TV sets, this is going to be good”.

Oh I know it is. I know it is.

But before we get to the fight, there’s a commercial bumper that shows Jensen painting himself head to toe in green, and then walking up on Kimbo in the laundry room. Slice has his back to him at first, so when he turns around and see this mini Incredible Hulk before him, he actually jumps in surprise. It’s not much but I’ll take any moment of levity I can get at this point.

Semi-final Bout: Roy Nelson Roy Nelson (13-4) v. James McSweeney (3-4)*

NC: Just like in the Mitrione fight, there’s a lot of activity on the part of McSweeney. However, Nelson is able to keep sneaking in jabs and he has McSweeney flailing on more than one occasion. McSweeney manages to string together some shots and he starts feeling himself, dropping his hands and smirking.

PB: A few seconds after openly inviting Roy to hit him on the jaw with a taunt, Nelson happily gives him exactly what he wants by cracking James right on the chin with a right straight. You can actually see James’ body go “WAIT! What the f**k was THAT!?”

That Right HandRoy shoots in and easily scores the takedown, and despite trying to escape even with the help of several fence grabs, James’ fate is already signed sealed and delivered. Nelson gets him into a crucifix and starts dropping the hammer on his bald head. Only these aren’t the light taps that Kimbo got in the same situation, Roy is putting some bad intentions behind these.

After about 20 of them go unanswered, the ref finally calls it off, and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

NC: Congratulations James, you failed to last as long as Kimbo did.

Big Country CrucifixAt this point, you could have talked me into Nelson taking the title from Brock Lesnar with his signature move.

PB: Once he’s up, it’s clear that McSweeney got caught in Nelson’s strawberry patch and paid a heavy price for it. Roy now advances to the finals and even gets some faint praise from White while he’s at it.

Roy FinalsRashad calls Tiki out on being such a lap dog to Quinton once again, saying he’s Jackson’s man-slave, and I think that’s putting it mildly. You couldn’t even really call him a sidekick, at least Robin has his own identity and can function without Batman there, meanwhile Tiki probably wouldn’t remember to feed himself without Quinton’s say so.

NC: I could make a juvenile homophobic joke here about what kind of meat Rampage might feed Tiki, but I won’t sink down to their level.

Eventually, Rashad and Rampage get way too close again for the hundredth time this season and I’m starting to think these guys have a Dominic Toretto/Luke Hobbs thing going. But that’s a whole other blog post.

PB: Quinton doesn’t like anyone talking down to Boo Boo, except himself.

Semi-final Bout: Marcus Jones (4-1) v. Brendan Schaub (4-0)*

NC: Marcus uses his preferred takedown method of “throw my whole body at the other guy and fall on top of him” to great effect. Say what you want about him, I don’t think anyone in the cast was able to stop it.

There are some hairy moments for The Hybrid and you can see he’s legitimately shook for a few seconds when Big Baby manages to advance to mount. But Brendan keeps scrambling and scrambling and scrambling…

PB: Schaub’s time spent with Shane Carwin pays off in spades as he’s able to avoid getting locked up and eventually makes it back to his feet.

As soon as they’re both vertical, it’s obvious that Marcus’ gas tank is just as good (read: f**kterrible) as pretty much everyone else on his team. He’s already shot his load and when Schaub begins throwing punches, Jones shows the absolute worst striking defense I have ever seen. He just holds his arms up in front of him leaving all sorts of openings, which Schaub takes full advantage of to tag Jones over and over and over again.

NC: Marcus leaves himself open to an overhand right that drops him on his ass. Brutal ground and pound follows and even though I dislike Marcus I find it difficult to watch him getting straight wasted like this.

Darkness VanquishedBrendan celebrates by doing snow angels in the middle of the Octagon

Brendan FinalsPB: Just like that, the last glimmer of hope in Jackson’s eye flickers for a few seconds before fading out. After the fight, Jones contemplates retirement because of the loss.

NC: This is going to sound harsh, but I hate Marcus wanting to quit after getting knocked out like that. He’s been talking non-stop about how much he loves the sport and one major setback makes him want to bail?

We have our finalists, two of the favourites from the beginning of the season even if you weren’t watching this with the benefit of time travel. Future top ten heavyweights Brendan Schaub and Roy Nelson.

The FinalistsPB: Well gang… it’s taken us a long time to get here, but we’ve finally crossed to Rubicon. The Season That Cardio Forgot has reached its conclusion. We hope everyone has enjoyed reading and following us along on the journey as much as we enjoyed (or hated at times) writing it. But while TUF itself might be over, NewChallenger and I aren’t checking out on you just yet. Come back next week when we’ll be putting all of TUF 10 to bed for good by reviewing the TUF 10 Finale card itself..

NC: I don’t want to give too much away, but the historical significance of this one is actually staggering: Frankie Edgar and Jon Jones are on the undercard!

That’s not even mentioning the classic Kimbo Slice-Houston Alexander match of which a single gif cannot possibly do it justice.

PB: And finally, at some point after that, I’ll be doing a special “Where Are They Now?” as my own little P.S. on this season. I don’t know if it will be out before the New Year or after, but be on the lookout for it. So until next time, adios amigos!

NC: Don’t miss Kimbo getting his chance to bang again!

Vintage TUF – The Ultimate Fighter Season 10: Heavyweights – Week 10 – Let Go Of The Fence, Schaub!

Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot

Week 10

PunisherBass: Someone call GNC and ask if Sean Sherk is still there, because I think Jon Madsen just robbed him blind. He’s carrying a sack filled to the brim with tubs and tubs of protein power and power bars and other crap like that. Someone is going to have a real bad case of the creatine s**ts later on.

NewChallenger: Coach Rashad is, as always, Mr. Positive. He comes off as such a swell guy on the show. I know that’s not a sexy opinion, but I remember liking Rashad even more after watching this season.

Of course, this was during the period where he got booed at every UFC event when they showed him on camera. Do you remember why that is, PunisherBass? I always assumed it was some combination of him coming off as super cocky when he was a contestant on TUF 2, and having knocked out fan favourites like Chuck Liddell and Forrest Griffin. Your thoughts?

PB: I wish I could tell you why, but I honestly have no idea, remember that I was still a newbie back then. The first PPV I watched live was UFC 100. So I have no real frame of reference as to why people might have hated him. I do remember seeing a GIF of him kissing his hand before giving his cup a shake and then punching Griffin, but that’s about it.

This season made me a fan of his, which I still am to this day, and it’s not just because he’ll gleefully make fun of Tiki right to his face. Partly it’s because he always talks clearly and enunciates everything that comes out of his mouth, compared to Quinton who mumbles almost all the time. It’s hard to like a guy when you can’t understand 80% of what he says.

NC: And the other 20% you wish you didn’t understand.

The interrogation of Matt Mitrione continues. He says he’s still feeling slow, but that he thinks it’s not a concussion it’s just his brain swelling up. Trevor Wittman points out that that is a way bigger problem than a concussion and if that’s the case he’s definitely not fighting. For anyone wondering, Mitrione is not a doctor.

James McSweeney is all but begging for Mitrione to drop out so he can get what he knows would be a massive fight with Kimbo that he would probably win. Imagine what that would have done for his reputation. James calls Mitrione a “two-faced little bitch without a heart”. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone get picked on so much for getting punched in the head.

PB: Nope, I said it last week and I meant it, I’m done with this whole Meathead’s phantom injury bulls**t. Moving on.

First Kimbo Kard of the episode, with Quinton saying that he thinks Slice can win it. I wonder whose idea it was to make him the first replacement, there’s no way you’re going to convince me that it was done based on anything more than his popularity, not his skills as a fighter. This is the UFC just trying to string us along and salvage what happened in Week 3.

For all his “Yes! Thank god! I get to bang again! Someone got hurt that means I’m back in! I’m continuing to fail upwards!” (I’m paraphrasing), now that they’re hinting it might come true, he says his knee is hurting him and he’s not too sure about it.

Oh for f**k sake Kimbo, don’t let Tiki touch you, you might catch something. Bleh, I wouldn’t touch Tiki even if it was just to punch him in the dick.

Tiki GlanceTiki is either dozing off here or checking out Kimbo’s package.

Team Silver are operating under the assumption that Slice will be fighting McSweeney, so they’re focusing on him scoring the knockout…because he has so many other tools at his disposal.

NC: It’s messed up that they literally spend the first ten minutes of this episode as if it’s a done deal that James will be fighting Kimbo.

PB: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but during this time period, Kimbo was actually sporting a better W/L record than James was. It’s faint praise considering who they were facing but at least he had won more fights than he lost.

Oh this is just precious, Quinton tells Kimbo that James is going to go right for his knees with kicks, which makes him ask “So what the f**k do I do?” Rather than tell him he needs to learn or maybe even show him how to check kicks, he just says that he needs to wrestle him to the ground and pound him out. Is it any wonder how he’s 1-7 as a coach this season?

Rampage ActingThis is better acting than we saw in…ah, you know the joke.

NC: Come on Pun, it’s not like Quinton’s lack of leg kick defence ever cost him in his career, right?

Oh wait.

All the editing in the world can’t make it look like Team Rampage isn’t scared that McSweeney will just totally destroy Kimbo. When you’re suggesting that Kimbo Slice try to get a fight to the ground, you’re beyond hope at that point.

PB: While working in the cage, Brendan Schaub asks for some advice from Evans on how to deal with a southpaw wrestler, after a few words Nelson comes over and jokingly says “That’s coaching! I saw that!” So Schaub apologizes for putting him in that position, Nelson then offers to show him anything he needs, and he gets left in the “capable” hands of McSweeney.

Fun fact time, when Frank Mir was going to be fighting Alistair Overeem, he brought in McSweeney to help him train, and look how much that helped him.

NC: I’m not sure why they’re so convinced that Jon is a lay-and-pray guy considering he beat the holy Hell out of Abe Wagner in the first fight of the season.

PB: In the back, a doctor checks Kimbo out and explains to him just how f**ked his left knee is, he can’t fight on it as is and he refuses to get a cortisone shot, but he’s insisting that he will fight again.

NC: Good luck doing that without cartilage, buddy.

PB: So just like with Meathead’s “brain injury”, I’m not going to waste anymore of my time or yours to this stupid storyline since we already know how it plays out.


Now it’s time to play beach volleyball on a fake beach, it’s Tiki and Jackson taking on Evans and  Mike Van Arsdale. Hmmmm, maybe we’ll get lucky and Tiki will catch a hard one to the face, or several. The prizes on the line are 10k for the coach that wins and $1,500 for each guy on his team, asswipe money for Dana.

Is there a name for when they do these kind of segments? I mean other than, you know, “stupid”?

NC: Firstly, I refuse to believe this is the first time Rampage and Tiki have played beach volleyball together.

Secondly, this is the always epic Coaches Challenge! It might be stupid, but it helps break up the monotony for us dedicated recappers!

PB: Quinton is really starting to sound like he has a case of the Not Gays here, talking about female volleyball players in bikinis “with their asses hanging out”. You stay classy there Quinton.

NC: No surprise, Rashad and Van Arsdale go skins while Tiki and Rampage keep their shirts on.

Mav Van ArsdaleDana: “Van Arsdale starts acting like he’s Maverick from Top Gun…”

PB: I bet my lunch money it’s to hide that beer belly Quinton’s been nursing. Not that it really matters, but Team Gold win two games to one.

Evans offers Quinton the chance to hold his huge stack of (probably fake) cash, and he’s told it’s no big deal to him, as he’s had his hands on bigger amounts before. So Evans asks him if he’s so flush, why not give $1,500 to everyone on his team? Quinton responds by asking his guys if they’d rather have the money or see him knock Rashad out. If given a real option, I’m sure most of them would have gone for the former, not latter.

NC: I’m going to guess it took at least 20 takes for them to get to the one where everyone says they want to see Rashad get knocked out. Though even the one they used isn’t that convincing.

Later that night, the boys entertain themselves by convincing Kimbo to try an ice bath.

Floating KimboImagine heading out to the backyard pool and seeing this bobbing up.

PB: Seeing Kimbo suffer while sitting in a tub of ice water while everyone else looks on laughing is funny, but I’m still skipping anything related to him fighting again.

NC: Kimbo actually looks like he might die from the cold. Marcus says it’s because he’s a Florida brother who can’t deal with those temperatures.

The Gold Team’s next training session revolves around Brendan having jealous eyes seeing Rashad work with Jon and more Mitrione stuff.

Man, I don’t remember these Mitrione segments being so painful to sit through. He said after the show that being in the house drove him crazy and I’m starting to understand why. I bet they had him filming these “will he/won’t he” fight segments non-stop. Nobody is convinced he wants to fight, but maybe he’s just tired of all this bulls**t and wants to get in the cage?

You can tell everyone was doing their damndest to plant the idea of not fighting in Mitrione’s head so they could get Kimbo back in the Octagon. White gives his scheduled “Do you want to be a fighter?” speech to the teams, though it’s so obvious that it’s directed at Mitrione that he may as well have pulled the guy into his office and slapped his hand with a ruler.

PB: At the weigh-ins, Schaub comes in at 237 while Madsen is 10 lbs heavier at 247. Even though Brendan is technically the smaller fighter, he’s actually a good bit larger than Jon in size and reach. Madsen trains with Matt Hughes while Schaub is a friend and training partner of Evans and Shane Carwin down at Greg Jackson’s.

NC: Just had to sneak Carwin in there, didn’t ya?


NC: Pre-fight, McSweeney helps Schaub get warmed up and Schaub has a strange way of showing his appreciation.

Schaub ShoveYou do NOT slap a man!

Quarterfinal Bout: Brendan Schaub (4-0) v. Jon Madsen (3-0)*

(* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)

Madsen scores the first significant points of the fight, tossing Schaub head over heels and getting half guard. Every time Madsen tries to pin him against the cage, Schaub blatantly grabs the fence to avoid getting stuck.

PB: Jon is in half guard while Schaub is trying to scoot away with liberal help from fence grabs, something the ref just impotently warns him about. A fifth and sixth fence grab are then seen by the ref but nothing is said about it. Same story with the seventh and eighth when they happen.

NC: Terrible officiating by Josh “Grow Op” Rosenthal.

PB: After they get stood up, Jon shoots for a single leg and takes Schaub to the fence, which he then uses to climb back to his feet, with another impotent warning from the ref. Now I’m starting to get pissed off, take a point already! Brendan just can’t seem to help himself because now he’s grabbing onto Jon’s shorts while they’re tied up. Another ref warning and nothing more. He lets go and then latches onto them again, prompting more impotence from the ref.

NC: Despite all that, Madsen still manages to score a second big slam. He had some serious power, eh? Of course, there’s not much he can do when Schaub is grabbing pretty much everything he can reach.

Schaub CheatsExpert takedown defence.

PB: This is f**king ridiculous. By my count, he grabbed the fence 11 or 12 different times with the ref only warning him for half of them, along with grabbing shorts three or four different times. If you’re not going to be penalized for breaking the rules, I guess there’s no reason to start following them now.

Less than 30 seconds into round two, Schaub uses the fence again to help him stay on his feet during a takedown, and the ref says nothing. 30 seconds later, same s**t.

NC: Schaub is looking like the much fresher fighter, which I guess is easy when you’re not putting any actual effort into takedown defence and just cheating like a motherf**ker. Madsen doesn’t have close to the level of technique needed to compensate for this and it’s only a matter of time until Schaub connects. Sure enough, a pair of straight rights land and this one is over.

Hybrid RightPB: Let me be clear, Jon had nothing for Schaub in the striking department, and he never once had a moment of ground n pound nor was he looking for a submission while he was on top of him. But WHY was Brendan allowed to use foul after foul and not get punished for it? I’m not saying he would have been put away without them, but he most likely would have lost a UD if he couldn’t continuously employ them. This is horses**t.

NC: Agreed. It’s easy to see that Schaub is the better fighter, I just hate the tactics he had to use to win this one.

PB: Well, I take some solace in that Rashad agrees with me on getting a point taken.

NC: And they’re teammates!

Dana compliments Schaub’s ability to stay alive on the ground, but the editing team immediately puts in footage of Schaub’s fence grabs to refute Dana’s observations. Thank you boys and girls in the back! It’s obvious that Schaub is one of the guys he saw as a potential draw on the show. Not that I blame him since Schaub went on to have plenty of good fights in the UFC.

PB: The “titties” episode was a slog to sit through, while this one was just aggravating for so many reasons.

NC: Nelson asks how many times Schaub was going to grab the fence and Schaub just gives him a funny face. Hey, if you don’t get caught, it’s not cheating!

PB: Next week will be the last entry in this series covering TUF itself, since episodes 11 and 12 were aired together as a two hour special. But we won’t be leaving you high and dry just yet, there’s still a little more juice we can wring from this apple. Tune in next time to find out.

Schaub Moves on

Vintage TUF – The Ultimate Fighter Season 10: Heavyweights – Week 9 – Kimbo Kards O Plenty

Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot

Week 9

NewChallenger: Oh boy…it’s that time of the season again when everything slows to a crawl. We’re not at the dreaded two-fight episode yet, but we’ve reached the point where all the storylines have already been drug through the mud and there’s not much new to be said. Of course, that’s not going to save us from another week of Matt Mitrione is a dummy, the Rampage and Tiki comedy hour, and “BUT WILL KIMBO FIGHT AGAIN?!?”

PunisherBass: Picking up where we did at the end of last week, Team Gold coach Rashad Evans is in a rather odd position. On the upside he has seven fighters in the quarterfinals compared to Quinton Jackson’s one. And on the downside… he has seven fighters in the quarterfinals, so he’s trying to figure out how in the hell he’s going to train seven guys to fight against each other.

NC: I remember watching this thinking there was no way Rashad would be able to avoid favouring his buddies Schaub and McSweeney.

PB: So he’s deciding to be as diplomatic as possible by keeping those who will be facing each other apart, and not really “coaching” them along. Just striking, grappling, and cardio training basically. The camera focuses on Justin Wren and Roy Nelson who will be fighting next, and Roy jokingly offers to help him work on anything he needs to shore up. I have to say, kudos to Roy for showing off his flexibility here with that kick, I don’t think 95% of the rest of the cast could throw one higher.

High KickNC: You’d think that in the 20+ seasons of TUF’s existence, someone had come up with a way to handle this dilemma of teammates having to train and then fight each other. That would require them actually put time and thought into this product though so why do I even bring it up?

PB: Matt Mitrione is either in time out or he’s just taking a breather, but we hear in his voiceover that his “brain still hurts” after his fight with Scott Junk. Welcome to my world. Like I’ve said before, it’s really tough to get a read on Meathead, you never know for sure if he’s crying wolf or not. I’ve never taken a good shot to the noggin, let alone as many as a pro fighter does, so I’ve no idea if he’s just milking it like Wren says or if he’s showing signs of actually being f**ked up here.

NC: What’s weird to me is that the rest of the cast is so quick to be skeptical. Mitrione says the after effects of the fight with Junk had him feeling “stupid” and that he was experiencing sensitivity to lights. What did he do to not get the benefit of the doubt in this situation?

PB: While Matt sits in the van holding his head and not saying anything, the rest of his team talk about what they want to have for dinner. As an aside, Brendan Schaub said years later that they will get you whatever kind of food you want, like if you want some nice steaks, just put in a request for it and they’ll arrive in a few days. But the alcohol is literally on demand, if you ask for a bottle of tequila that was made with the tears of PRIDE fans, it will be there within an hour.

NC: Whenever I hear that TUF is the most difficult tournament in martial arts, I always giggle.

Meanwhile, Schaub perfectly reads this week’s “Kimbo will be back” lines.

PB: NO! BAD HYBRID! BAD! NO! You do NOT play the Kimbo Kard! Instead of Meathead sitting in a dark room, maybe you should be the one thinking about what you just said.

Here comes James McSweeney to tell Kimbo the “good” news, that Meathead is probably concussed and that he’s back in the tournament. I’d like to take a moment to gleefully remind you that James was knocked out by Roger Gracie less than a year ago, not submitted, but knocked out.

Another Kimbo KardGuys, seriously?

I have a feeling they’re about to strap a supercharger onto the Kimbo hype train, but they go to commercial with a Kard and they come back with one as well. Jackson actually says that Kimbo is the most improved out of everyone on his team…

Mars AttacksNC: While my compatriot puts his skull back together, I want to say that if I was Demico or Wes Shivers or Zak I’d be ridiculously annoyed that they aren’t even up for consideration. Demico actually looked good, he just had the misfortune of running into Schaub who was one of the most seasoned guys in the house.

Wes Shivers and Zak…both suck. But still.

PB: I think this is the first time we’ve seen/heard Tiki talk directly to the camera this season, and with very good reason. I’m pouring two shots for myself, two for my partner in crime here, and then I’m asking Santa to bring me a dartboard with Tiki’s mug printed on it for Christmas. I’ve been a good boy this year and I deserve it after… how many weeks are we up to now? Nine? Yeah nine weeks of this crap.

NC: I think after that you’ll need all four shots.

PB: Here comes McSweeney to play Chatty Kathy, telling everyone who’ll listen that Mitrione went to the hospital last night and didn’t come back, meaning that Kimbo is now back in the tournament. This is like the UFC production crew trying to pull off the worst magic trick ever, instead of pulling a rabbit out of a hat they’re just ripping off its head and throwing it us while screaming “F**K YOU!”

NC: They’ve moved on from teasing a Kimbo return to flat out lying to the viewers. I stand by this season being a good one, but everything involving Kimbo after he lost his fight is worthless.

These conversations are phonier than Big Country’s chin-ups.

Faking ItIf they put half the time promoting Big Country as they did Kimbo…

PB: Remember how Wren was drawn like a chicken on that mural a couple weeks ago? Here’s where that came from, at least I think so. And it’s not only unfunny, but it’s animal cruelty as well. In case you were not aware, TUF is shot in Las Vegas, which is in the middle of a f**king desert. This season was also shot during the summer, which means blistering heat and lots of it. Keep that in mind.

NC: Rampage decides to resort to another dumb prank because he can’t get back at Rashad by doing silly stuff like, you know, winning fights. Admittedly, as far as pranks go this is a pretty good one especially if you have the sensibilities of a f**king a**hole.

PB: Jackson and you know who, are going to pull a “prank” on Rashad and his coaches, because they’re so “cocky” after winning so many fights. They’ve apparently bought, borrowed, or stolen some live chickens which are going to be left in their cars so they can s**t all over the inside.

Chicken PrankFrom the brilliant minds that brought you “TITTIES”…it’s “COCKS”!

I’m going to assume that this was all setup by the production crew. How else were they going to get inside the cars without smashing a window or stealing the keys?

NC: That’s a safe bet because I wouldn’t trust Rampage or Tiki to figure out which direction to turn a car key if you gave them two tries.

PB: And I’d like to think that the cars were parked there with the AC’s running on full blast, not that the chickens were just thrown into 120 degree oven to slowly be cooked alive. I’m sure the poor teenager working at Hertz didn’t care he had to clean a bunch of nasty bird s**t out of a couple Chevy Malibu’s either.

NC: Just like they’ve done with everything this year, Team Rashad makes the most of the situation and turns into an impromptu training exercise. Straight from the Vince McMahon training regimen. Make the Colonel proud!

Rampage is once again confused by Team Rashad not being devastated by he and Tiki’s wicked burns. It’s like he doesn’t understand why Rashad doesn’t have a s**t fit and go bananas on an inanimate object like he would if the situations were reversed.

PB: I’m done with this segment. NEXT!

Matt arrives back at the house, and isn’t telling anyone anything really other than saying his head hurts. Kimbo feeling very salty about not getting a second chance to play beached whale says that Meathead just has sand in his vagina.

NC: Dana pays Matt a visit. I’ve never seen him less enthused about a saying he’s going to fight through an injury. The Kimbo Kard really looms over this episode as they show Mitrione telling Dana that he might have undiagnosed concussions in the past from his football career. They even insert a clip of Mitrione stumbling over some names during a confessional just to keep the audience thinking that he’ll bow out. Appalling.

PB: During the bumper we’re lead to believe that Rashad and his team “freed” the chickens after they were caught. Yeah ok…

NC: I’m not an expert on the ecology of the chicken, but I’d bet they’re probably as good as dead anyway being released into some random environment.

PB: Alright, I have no idea how much longer the show intends to drag out this “will he/won’t he” storyline with Matt’s apparent concussion, but I’m not going to sit here six years in the future and play along. We know he didn’t pull out and we know Kimbo didn’t take his place, so as of now, I’m done with it. At this pace I’d be here all f**king night writing about it each time it came up otherwise.

Kimbo compliments Roy’s skills before s**tting all over Wren, calling him a fat kid stuffing his face at the refrigerator.

NC: I actually thought the analogy was meant to be endearing. He says Justin is like a young kid who gets scolded by his mom for eating too many jelly donuts. I’m not entirely sure what that means, but it fits somehow!

PB: Let me remind you what Kimbo looked like trying to cut to 215lbs so he could face a guy who normally fights at 205.

Slice-AlexanderPeople in glass houses Kimbo.

NC: In another bumper, we see Nelson teaching Kimbo the best way to get past a fighter’s guard.

Single Leg CrabWe defy you to prove that this wouldn’t work.

Quarterfinal Bout: Justin Wren (7-1) v. Roy Nelson (13-4)*

(* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)

 Tale Of The Tape

PB: Looking at this tale of the tape, I’m willing to bet everyone is now hearing Goldberg say “VIRTUALLY IDENTICAL!” in their heads.

After a quick glove tap, Wren does some head hunting while Roy keeps his distance, but he does get tagged with some good shots over the first minute.

NC: Wren gets after Nelson! He lands some heavy hands and we get a glimpse of Big Country’s soon-to-be-legendary chin.

Wren FlurryThis is a top ten heavyweight he’s backing up!

Nelson wisely clinches up. It’s a position that he is comfortable with and I don’t think anyone in the house knows it as well as him. Whenever there’s separation, Justin continues to find success in the striking department.

PB: Wren lands more often looking for a knockout, but he might as well be punching a bank vault. With two minutes left, his gas tank starts to empty and he slows down, which allows Roy to start circling around him instead of backing up. The round finishes with Roy taking over by throwing (and landing) the harder shots and doing it more often.

NC: Justin started turning real red real fast. Those big swings took a lot out of him. This is experience versus exuberance playing out right in front of our eyes.

PB: I know Rashad recused himself from this, which is understandable, but I wish Wren had someone more competent than a 3-4 McSweeney barking orders at him.

NC: It was a good round, one that I would actually score for Wren. He just took a round from Roy Nelson!

Between rounds, Rampage calls Arianny Celeste “his girlfriend”. Normally I’d roll my eyes, but this is one of the rare times in any TUF season where the coaches or contestants are shown acknowledging the ring girls. Considering they’re trapped in a house with nothing but dudes for months, you’d think this would come up more often.

PB: In round two, Wren keeps lunging forward with his head facing down while throwing wild punches, something he did near the end of round one, which allows Roy to continuously step out of the way and tag him with a counter shot. 90 seconds in and Justin is starting to turn a bit Pudzi (purple) while Roy’s cardio is holding up just fine.

James should be yelling something more helpful than just “DO YOU WANT IT OR NOT!?” to Justin. Wren is doing his best, but Roy is just better conditioned, far more seasoned, and just too crafty for him. Roy scores a knockdown but opts not to follow him to the mat, the rest of the round plays out with him either dodging anything Wren throws or just eating the few shots that do land, while peppering him with 1-2’s.

Everyone thinks there’s going to be a third round, but they’re all wrong, Roy gets the MD.

NC: I scored it one apiece. I certainly don’t think that Nelson was “destroyed” in the first round as Dana declares. His clinch work kept the opening period close and then he pulled away in the second. Everyone was rooting for a third though, even Rampage.

PB: Dana s**ts on Nelson by saying he was very close to getting knocked out in the first round and would have if he didn’t go for the clinch, then says he just squeaked by with that decision. Man, talk about having horse blinders on. If you didn’t want Kimbo to be humiliated, then you shouldn’t have put him in a tournament with 15 other guys who could still beat him after taking a fistful of Ambien.

NC: Let’s not forget that Dana hated Kimbo for a long time before he realized how much money he could make off of him.

Wren is in tears, telling himself that he should have just gone for the takedown. I’m not sure that would have been a great strategy either. He’s really beating himself up over it. It’s the sort of reaction you like to see from an up-and-coming fighter. Such a shame (?) that he had greater interests in life than the UFC.

PB: The episode ends with Dana saying “The day we see Roy Nelson in an exciting fight that he made exciting is the day I will give him his props”, with a little shake of his head when he’s done.

NC: Roy has had plenty of exciting fights since and he’s still waiting for those props.

PB: The promo for next week is of course a Kimbo Kard, there’s only a few weeks left so it’s time to hit the nitrous button on them.

Epilogue: In the post episode show the UFC did after it aired, they had Roy and Justin on and asked them what really became of the chickens when the cameras stopped rolling. This was their response. Note: There was video of this but it’s long gone (thanks Spike!) so still pictures have to do.


KFC Justin

Also, Wren said that he picked McSweeney to be in his corner because he thought that would be the path to victory and James’ “experience” would help him. This is something he deeply regretted. And before I go, in the promo we see James slapping Schaub to get him ready, something he also did to Wren, only Brendan nearly shoves him through the wall in response. This makes me smile.

Nelson Moves On

Vintage TUF – The Ultimate Fighter Season 10: Heavyweights – Week 8 – Spider Jones

Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot

NewChallenger: As if to help us keep this series relevant, the MMA gods have blessed us with Kimbo-centric news: Of course, I am referring to the booking of Slice versus Dhafir “DaDa5000” Harris at Bellator 149 next February.

Now I know this is going to hurt my standing as an expert in the field of MMA, but I have to confess I know little about this DaDa fellow. Perhaps you can fill in some of the blanks for me, PunisherBass?

PB: I know slightly more about DaDa than 100% of the people who were in the Kiel Center (St. Louis represent!) on Friday night. While you heard crickets chirping and a collective “Who?”, I was saying “Wait, are you f**king kidding me!?”

As I mentioned in a previous week, DaDa is as close to a Kimbo Klone as you can get. He is a backyard brawler who built his name on the internet, he is/was friends with Kimbo as well as being part of his “team” back in the day. And he’s compiled a 2-0 record, but he hasn’t fought since Obama was still in his first term. A fight between them was rumored to be booked sometime after Kimbo’s UFC release, but it never came together.

He was also the star of a documentary called Dawg Fight, which you can go watch on Netflix right now, and it will probably tell you more than I can. I’m willing to bet money that Spike will be doing a special broadcast of it before the event airs. I find it very amusing that Bellator thought everyone would automatically know his name only for it to go over like a wet fart during a wedding.

Anyway, back to six years in the past!

Quinton is making excuses for Junk’s loss to Meathead and his seventh loss in a row by saying that getting dropped just “threw him off his game”. No, he didn’t simply “get dropped”, he got knocked flat on his ass a good five or six times in the opening round alone.

NC: I actually think it’s fair to say that that initial knockdown essentially put Junk out of the fight though. He looked completely punch drunk for the remainder of the contest. I’m not saying he’s a world beater by any stretch, but he had to be better than what we saw, right?

PB: I’ve been spoiled by the last several fights since they were all quick finishes, these clips are making me say it was easily the worst fight since we started these recaps. We’re shown clip after clip of them exhausted, hands at their side, just barely throwing leather at each other with no power behind them and very little landing.

Junk says if there had been a third round, he would have won. Yeah, and if a frog had wings it wouldn’t bump its ass. If we got another round of that it would have looked as bad if not worse than Shivers/McSweeney back in week two.

The replays continue as we’re shown Jackson destroying the door again, I’m honestly shocked and surprised that Tiki wasn’t right behind him to throw a few pissy little kicks of his own at the pile of cardboard aftermath.

NC: Dana cracks a funny saying that what really sucks about Rampage’s, er, rampage, is that it shows how cheap the show’s doors are.

PB: Evans calls Jackson an idiot (in so many words) for tearing up a door in anger instead of being mad at himself like he should be, and in the back Quinton is seething.

NC: It’s particularly ridiculous because as Rashad points out, Rampage has shown zero investment in his team up to this point.

PB: Oh god, this right here is the second most horrifying thing I’ve seen on this show, McSweeney holding a cold compress to Junk’s black eye, I swear it looks like if Junk had any hair, James would be gently stroking it at the same time.

Junk EyeJunk? Stroking? Phrasing!

Oh? What’s the #1 most horrifying thing? Tiki rubbing Jensen’s chest to wake him up after getting choked out in training a few weeks ago. That’s going to stick with me for a long time to come.

NC: The gash in Abe Wagner’s skull has something to say about all this.

PB: Some people can’t handle blood, I can’t handle a guy who’d look right at home on a sex offender registry.

At night while in the hot tub, Wes Sims reveals that he’s not done f**king with Meathead by any stretch, and says he’s planning a party to celebrate his first win. As I’ve already said, I only watched this season once when it first aired and I write this on the fly, so I’m going to make a prediction here. My gut tells me it’s going to involve couch stuffing, Hershey’s chocolate syrup, glitter, and fire of some sort.

Let’s see how close I end up being.

Nope, he’s just going to cover him in silly string while yelling “CELEBRATE!” When Matt asks him to stop because his head is really really hurting (it’s up for debate if he’s serious or just acting), Wes actually does and leaves him be. And some say his frosted tips grew three sizes that day.

NC: I would be surprised if Matt wasn’t suffering from concussion-like symptoms after that glorified bumfight. Then again, the way he talks, I imagine it would be hard to tell the difference.

CelebrateNothing helps you get over being punched in the head a hundred times like your housemate walking into your room and dousing you in sticky white stuff.

PB: During a Team Silver training session, there’s no telling when this was shot, and Marcus Jones is T I R E D. He’s sweating profusely and can barely manage to move around due to the exhaustion. Jackson says that he’s going to tear down a cardboard wall if Marcus ends up losing. Remember those Mikey Burnett GIF’s from a few weeks ago? I’d say that makes Mikey a tougher son of a bitch than Jackson.

NC: Hundreds of thousands of eyes rolled when Rampage talked about how much he feels for his losing fighters. This is better acting than we saw in The A-Team! Hiyoooo!

PB: Back from commercial, we see that a good sized camel spider has invaded the house, and it turns out that The Darkness has a bad case of arachnophobia. This causes him to scream in terror and cry for help. After Justin Wren rushes to his aid, Jones asks the camera crew to erase the tape of him freaking out. In a later interview he says “I figured if I screamed loud enough, it would deafen the creature and give someone else a chance to sneak up on it”.

For all his flaws as a fighter, Marcus is an OK dude. Besides, I’m the same size as him and have a pathological fear of wasps and hornets, so I can’t really throw stones in this situation.

The best part is when Abe Wagner digs the corpse out of the trash just so he can toss it at Big Baby, which causes him to scream in terror once again, jump up and run the hell away. This has to be one of the best moments of the season by far.

Spider ThrowIt works better with the audio, so here’s our best shot at transcription: “OOOOWOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!”

NC: Marcus lives up to every big softie stereotype ever. He also lets out this big dopey laugh whenever he learns something new in training. As you can tell from the previous recaps, I’m not a fan, but there was a lot of star power here. It’s a shame that he chose to go pro in MMA so late in his athletic life. There just wasn’t enough time for him to learn the skills needed for a legitimate UFC run.

This episode does go a long way towards rehabilitating his childish image. They touch upon his NFL career and the montage communicates his passion and work ethic well. Really, the best part is when he gets to do something that we’ve all wanted to do since about the halfway point of episode one:

Rampage RockedThanks, Marcus.

PB: Since we had a dose of funny, now it’s time for a dose of seriousness. Mike Wessel says that he hates having to be away from his wife, who was undergoing cancer treatments at the time. He chokes up a bit while talking about her, saying that he’s made sure a card with a little note from him gets delivered to her every day to help keep her spirits up.

That would be really sad and touching… if it was true. I’ll go more in depth in my “Where Are They Now” fanpost after we’re done with this season, but it was all bulls**t. Wessel would later claim that he wife lied to him and made it all up, but in a recent podcast done by Schaub and Mitrione, they said he was the source of the story and made it up to get on the show.

The pair also said that the producers knew the truth long before the rest of the cast did, so maybe that’s why we’ve been told next to nothing about him before now?

NC: Regardless, the show does its job of presenting the cancer story and creating some sympathy for Mike who, as you mentioned, was a blank slate before this episode. The other angle they push is that he’s small, compact, and powerful, like Mike Tyson, which comes off as desperate at least to me.

PB: Back at the house, Schaub has drawn a couple doodles of Marcus and taped them to the kitchen window, but not before Wessel has added “sucks balls” to the bottom of one.

Big Baby ArtIt’s scientifically proven that adding “sucks balls” to anything makes it ten times funnier.

See? This is why the TUF house needs some board games on hand all times, you put a bunch of guys together with the mentality of 8 year olds and no distractions and this is what happens.

NC: You’re really not going to let this board game thing go, are you?

PB: I don’t see you coming up with a better idea. Someone reading this, photoshop me a picture of Big Baby playing D&D!

NC: This week, Roy Nelson and Kimbo Slice face off again…in a game of Connect Four! Smell the ratings!

PB: Why stop there? I can just imagine Mike Rowe saying “Who will make the other say ‘You sunk my battleship!’”

NC: …actually, that probably would get a huge rating.

PB: Big Baby does not find it the least bit humorous and tears them off before going outside to be alone in anger. I think Mike misunderstood that whole “If your opponent is angry” line from The Art Of War, because all he did was piss off a much larger man who up to now had been very calm and easy going.

NC: This is the part where I turned on Marcus again. What an overreacting jerk. He gets self-righteous about his family possibly watching and being offended, then he proceeds to go on a profanity laced tirade. Yuck.

PB: What does the 800 lb. gorilla do? Whatever the f**k he wants. I think it’s better that he just gets pissed off, I admit over nothing, instead of losing it like Meathead did with Madsen over the OJ, or worse. Who knows, maybe Marcus got picked on a lot as a kid?

NC: That would explain all the murders.

PB: In the gym while Jones is checking his weight, Jackson and Roy Nelson actually lift shirts and do a belly bump of their own. Quinton is clearly sporting a decent beer gut of his own here, lending credibility to Mike Dolce’s claims of him starting camp at 245 pounds for the Evans fight, which is why what’s about to happen pisses me off even more.

Schoonover walks in and Jackson greets him with a “Hey Titties! Titties come over here and talk to me. Come on Titties, let’s make up.” Darrill offers a handshake and Quinton goes in for a hug… then cups the left side of his chest and gives a squeeze.

GropeRampage’s version of an apology.

Darrill responds by shoving him to the edge of the cage and getting right in his face telling him to knock it the f**k off. They exchange a few “COME ON!”‘s at each other before Schaub steps in and pulls Schoonover away.

Quinton starts to laugh before Tiki comes over to say “I thought you motorboated him”. I involuntarily shout “OH F**K YOU!” at my tv screen. If I hadn’t made it abundantly clear over the last 7 weeks, I really… really… really hate Tiki’s guts.

Oh if I had my druthers… Dark dirty bathroom, some heavy duty chains, and a hacksaw. That’s all I’m saying…

I get the sense that Quinton either doesn’t know what personal space is, or just doesn’t care about respecting it. “You should never grab somebody’s titty if they don’t like it” he says. I’m sure Karyn Bryant would like to have a word with you about that.

NC: The whole scene makes it look like Quinton is completely incapable of sincerity. Rather than issue another apology, he goes back to chuckling and making bad jokes. It’s obvious that he’s embarrassed by the whole thing and actually does want things to be cool, he just has no concept of how to reach that point having pushed Darrill one step too far.

The next Tiki scene made me scared for PunisherBass’s keyboard, his monitor, his sanity, any surrounding friends or family…

PB: Tiki drops a “That’s what she said” to one of Quinton’s comments. A runaway bread truck, a single lightning strike, softball sized chunk of hale. Anything like that, that’s all I’m asking for. And take four shots while you’re at it.

You know what Tiki reminds me of? Other than a rancid jar of mayo that somehow gained the ability to talk? This old cartoon.

Was one of the requirements to get on this show “Have at least one really large and terrible tattoo”?

NC: To get into the sport, really.

Team Rampage’s Marcus Jones (4-1) v. Team Rashad’s Mike Wessel (8-2)*

(* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)

PB: The fight starts and Marcus shows this really oddball striking stance when he first comes out. It’s just strange the way he holds his hands up.

NC: The whole episode, Team Rashad has been trying to tell Mike that size doesn’t matter. Guess what happens in the first clinch.


PB: Marcus goes for a kimura before switching to back control about 30 seconds in. 10 seconds later Mike spins around into full guard only to almost instantly get caught in an armbar and the ref calls it off.

NC: When a guy that big tugs on your arm, you’ve got to submit and that’s what Mike does yelling “tap” at the top of his lungs.

Arm Bar FinishPB: Evans is so pissed off by his first loss that he picks up a sledge hammer to go outside and starts busting up cars… oh wait no he doesn’t. He handles it like an adult, he says he’s disappointed but still proud his guys went 7-1.

NC: In a funny moment, Marcus compares the win to doing crack and Rampage asks him how he would know what that’s like.

PB: Jackson says that he’s going win the show. No, no he’s not.

The episode should be over now, but they’re going to spend the last 10 minutes setting up the next round of the tournament. They’re bringing the fighters out one by one to ask them who they’d like to fight, Evans jokes “You’re going to be waiting a while, aren’t you Rampage?”

NC: The consensus seems to be that Darrill, Justin, and Matt are easy pickings. Everyone except Big Country (and Matt himself, because that would be weird) ask for Mitrione. Speaking of Nelson…

PB: When it’s Roy’s turn, Dana gets pissed that Nelson says he matches up well with all of them. Well… he’s not wrong. There’s a difference between talking s**t and then backing it up, which Roy can do. White then bitches that his fight with Kimbo wasn’t very exciting, to which Roy basically responds with “Yeah, and…?”

He explains that he took the smart path by exploiting where Kimbo was the weakest, because why take damage when you need to fight three times in just a few short weeks.

NC: Dana makes that face that he makes when someone is talking sense to him and he has no retort.

Dana FaceYou know the one.

PB: When Jones comes out, he doesn’t really have any opinions on who he should fight, he’d rather defer to Quinton. I understand him being a humble guy, but that’s just plain foolish, especially when he’s shown zero leadership qualities up to now.


Roy Nelson v. Justin Wren
Brendan Schaub v. Jon Madsen
James McSweeney v. Matt Mitrione
Marcus Jones v. Darrill Schoonover

NC: Rashad wisely decides open up his training to the Team Rampage guys. He’s not just being magnanimous, his team situation has become far more complicated with all of his boys having to fight one another. I’m stunned that Team Silver remain doggedly loyal.

PB: Kimbo actually says “I can’t disrespect my coach like that”.

Really? What the f**k has he done to earn that kind of loyalty? This is the same guy who walked away after every single loss to piss and moan about the situation while Evans was in there checking on them.

NC: The sad thing is I think the main reason they didn’t jump at the opportunity is because they’re professionals and they didn’t want to make Rampage look bad on national television. You know, kind of like how he’s been doing to them the whole season.

To cap off this absurd edition of TUF 10, next week’s preview revolves around Mitrione possibly having a head injury and…what’s this…a Kimbo Kard?!? They actually show Schaub saying that his money is on Kimbo coming back, though it’s with all the conviction of Rampage talking about how much he cares for his team.

PB: It’s going to take a few days for this to come in, once it does I’ll be ready for next week.

Whiskey CaskNC: It might be a chintzy thing to do, but Bellator is about to pull their second Kimbo Kard and they’re laughing all the way to the bank.

Jones Victorious

Vintage TUF – The Ultimate Fighter Season 10: Heavyweights – Week 7 – Stanky Legs, Ninjas, & Door Destruction

Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot

Punisher Bass: Do you know why NewChallenger and I decided to get a backlog of these done and in the can before it started running? Yeah, partly is was so we wouldn’t miss a week if we tried to do it in real time, but also for when we ran into episodes like the last one. It’s actually been three weeks since I’ve sat down to write my end of a recap. Episode six pissed me off that badly I had to just walk away for a while.

Maybe this week it will be better?

NewChallenger: *snicker*

PB: Well… it was a nice thought while it lasted, but since the first few seconds of the episode is a pullout shot of Quinton Jackson, Tiki, and Kimbo Slice sitting on a bench, it’s already been shot to hell. While normally the cream filling would be the best part, I can grantee you the exact opposite is true when it comes to this Little Debbie cookie. I wish Tiki had to go through the Klingon Rite Of Ascension every single morning on his way to the bathroom before he could take a piss.

BenchedSee no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil. But who does what?

Rashad Evans is giving his impression of how Jackson looked when Wandy knocked him out the first time back in Pride. Quinton responds in kind with his own impression of how Evans looked in his (then) recent loss to Lyoto Machida. Credit where it’s due, his is the better of the two since Evans just kind of twitched while Jackson did the full on stanky leg.

NC: Ah yes, the now infamous “stanky leg”. As you said, this is one of the few times where Rampage got the better of an exchange with Rashad. I laughed. Then again, that Machida loss always makes for good material.

Stanky LegI mean…he’s not wrong.

PB: Even though we’re not 30 seconds into it, crack the bottle open and take a shot, because Tiki shouldn’t be allowed to get any sort of pleasure at Evans’ expense.

“I can’t take losing no more to Rashad’s cocky ass”, maybe if he tried teaching… oh f**k it.

Before Rashad makes the next fight announcement, Quinton starts up with more homophobic bulls**t by calling him “Gayshad Evans”. Seriously, what the f**k is it with him? This is far from the first time he’s done something like this on the show and I have doubts it will be the last. Jackson has the mentality of a 7th grader. I wonder how he would have reacted if Evans called him “Queerton” instead of “Whaaampage”?

NC: “Gayshad”. Be A Star, people! Oh wait, I’m criticizing the wrong sports entertainment company. Carry on.

PB: They then argue about who’s been knocked out more, with Jackson showing how much brain damage he’s suffered by insisting it’s Evans and not himself. This show is destroying my will to live.

NC: I would say this has more to do with Rampage’s ability to count than his cognitive shortcomings.

PB: The next couple seconds are actually hilarious as Evans says he’s picking Matt Mitrione to fight… Scott Junk. The funny part comes when as soon as he finishes the word “versus”, Marcus Jones takes a step forward with a big smile on his face, only for it to vanish and turn into a look of shock and disappointment as he’s forced to step back in line as Junk’s name is spoken. You can even hear someone giggle in the background.


NC: If Marcus weren’t so annoying, I would have spared him the gif. But he’s getting exactly what he deserves. When will he learn?

It always surprises me when Dana acknowledges right off the bat that a TUF contestant has already fought in the UFC (as Junk has). That information kind of takes the shine off of winning the six figure contract, making it look more like a quick payday than a life changing career opportunity. This would prove even truer in the seasons to come when a few winners wouldn’t make it past three bookings before being cut.

PB: So with that fight booked, the eighth and final one by default becomes Jones vs. Mike Wessel. In the previous six episodes, we’ve seen and heard so little from Mike that I had to look his name up for proper spelling.

NC: Those are seconds of your life that you’ll never get back.

PB: I admit I have a lot of trouble when it comes to remembering names and faces, but Mike has been like a ghost so far, or a random extra in a crowd scene in a movie. We know literally nothing about him except his name.

“Marcus is so big and Wessel is so small… I absolutely have no idea what to think about this fight” Dana White says. The look on his face and his eyes tell me these are the truest words I’ve ever seen him speak.

“I’m going to make you quit, just like you quit on this competition and you quit on your fighters, I’m going to make you quit.” Rashad tells Quinton right to his face. Jackson responds with “I ain’t quittin’ nothin’, my fighters is the ones who is quittin’.”

NC: Um…good comeback?

PB: The argument continues to escalate and quickly turns into the worst version of Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on first?” routine, with Evans saying “You came here to coach” while Quinton says “But I’m not a coach” over and over again.

“I brought my coaches with me, and we doing a good job, we doin’ a great job!” Jackson says, with a dump truck full of irony I hope.

NC: They also go to a shot of his fighters standing idly by, not backing up his statements in anyway. It’s an edited shot, but I doubt it’s far from the truth.

PB: Quinton then asks him why he’s only wearing one shoe, and Evan’s reason is “Because I was ready to break one off in your mother f**king ass!” That gave me a good hearty laugh, thanks Rashad.

NC: Okay. I think I’ve reached the point where I’ve had enough of the Rashad-Rampage back and forth. It’s crazy to remember how highly anticipated this fight was at the time though.

PB: As I said way back in week one, I don’t remember exactly when it was announced there would be no fight since Jackson was “retiring” to go film The A-Team remake, but it had to be around this point. Which makes all this trash talk and confrontation completely pointless.

In a previous recap, I said that I write all this out in real time, and I just paused so I could check Wessel’s wiki page. Turns out he actually fought at UFC 92 in December of 2008 against Antoni Hardonk (fun fact, Antoni is still listed on the UFC roster as of this writing). This has not been mentioned by the show at all, they said Junk was a UFC vet, but nothing about Mike. I just put more time and effort into telling you about him than the TUF production crew has.

NC: Who has time for Mike Wessel when you’ve got more Meathead drama? You can tell they were struggling to make something of this episode since they lean heavily on the “Matt the Rat” angle while sprinkling in some Zak Jensen-esque mind games.

Apparently his teammates are upset that he slipped a note to the other team saying that Mike was afraid to fight Junk. When confronted by Rashad, Mitrione admits that he thinks Mike is “scared to death” and Rashad tells him straight-up that it isn’t Matt’s place to say those things.

Say what you want about Mitrione, but like Rampage, he made the most of his camera time this season.

PB: Matt says “What brings me to MMA is that I enjoy the mental aspect of competition”. The ground aspect though? Not so much.

Outside he tells Schaub that the voices in his head only quiet down when he’s doing something violent, and the look on Schaub’s face says “This guy is totally full of s**t.”

Tiki tells Junk “This guy has nothing for ya, I’m tellin’ ya!”. Yeah… just like he told everyone else on the team how they would CRUSH the other guy, only to be DEAD F**KING WRONG every single time. Many. Take. Of. Shots. Whiskey.

NC: It pains me to think that Tiki Ghosn of all people will prove to be your undoing.

PB: I’m German/Irish, it’s going to take more than a bottle of Jonnie Walker and Tiki’s stupid facial hair to be a nail in my coffin. Jones asks if he’s allowed to say “assh**e” on TV, making him a politer guy than me.

There’s apparently some static between Meathead and Jon Madsen, and it was sparked over a glass of orange juice. And that’s all I’m going to write about it because I need to get through this episode.

NC: This tension between them really comes out of nowhere too. It’s one thing to have feuds on the show, but to spring one up out of nowhere and then use this orange juice tiff as a justification for it? Lame.

At some point, Jon goes as far as to say that he’s going to slap Matt, which leads to a tense training situation, to put it gently.

Mitrione Freak Out 1“Come on, motherf**ker! COME ON!!! F**king tell me—*incoherent wheezing*”

Mitrione Freak Out 2“Little punk ass BITCH!”

Mitrione Freak Out 3“He’s like ‘I’m done, I’m done.’ And I was like, ‘You…p**sy bitch!’ How dare you call me out and say you’re going to slap me in the face and then quit when we’re starting to work? It made me so mad and I just completely blew up.

PB: After he goes full force during a brief sparring session with Madsen, Rashad goes into the back to call him on all crazed alpha male bulls**t and tells him to knock it the f**k off. Thank you Rashad.

NC: Specifically, Rashad asks him how he can freak out so badly when he hasn’t even fought yet. He brings up Mitrione’s wonky shoulder and you can see that for better or for worse, the speech is really getting to Mitrione. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that the tough love he received on this show was beneficial to his career in the long run.

PB: Oh thank god for Wes Sims (did I really just type that) for he’s providing this episode with some MUCH needed levity. He dons a black gi (thus destroying my excuse to Benten20 that they don’t come in my size), a little grease paint, and begins stalking Mitrione while he’s outside shooting hoops.

Wes NinjaBecause Zak and Matt are the crazy ones…

NC: The fact that you find this amusing makes me worry about what this show has done to your mind.

PB: Hey, if you sat through the “titties” episode twice like I did, you’d take anything you could get. We see him continue to stalk his prey, and as he’s leaving the basketball court, Sims decides to strike like the biggest and most arthritic panther you’ve ever seen.

Back inside the house, Meathead is having none of Sims’ s**t and tries warning him to never touch him again in his best serial killer voice. The key with guys like Wes is to never show emotion, act upset, or tell them exactly what will piss you off, because it just gives them the perfect ammunition to do exactly that. While shooting a little pool, Wes just continues to needle and just dick with him as much as possible.

Back outside, Matt delivers more serial killer type warnings, which are just laughed off.

NC: Just like they did for Zak, they start a calendar for when Matt will snap. This joke was worth half a laugh the first time around and it’s essentially dead now.

I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to see that “Fight Day” title card come up.

PB: Meathead tells Rashad that he’s all good now, because he talked to his wife… in his head. I’m guessing he either snuck some peyote into the house or he’s into astral projection.

NC: At breakfast, Scott Junk says “I can see myself banging him. And after the fight banging him again in the house just for f**king being a bitch.”

Hold UpPhrasing.

Team Rampage’s Scott Junk (6-2-1) v. Team Rashad’s Matt Mitrione (0-0)*

(* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)
(** Yup, Mitrione had zero amateur or pro fights prior to filming)

Oddly, the fight info graphic lists Mitrione as having a 2-0 record. Again, we could find no evidence that he had any actual fights before TUF so I guess we’re just making s**t up now?

PB: Maybe they counted him schooling Slice on the ground back in episode one along with his Madsen tiff as wins?

Within the first minute, Junk gets dropped twice, and instead of pouncing on him like one of the more skilled fighters would, he instead backs off and lets Scott get to his feet. I don’t know if it’s just because he’s so green or because he’s just that terrified of being on the ground.

NC: One thing I noticed is how light on his feet Mitrione is, at least in the early going. You can see how his agility would give him a clear advantage over a lot of the guys in the house. It’s also obvious that Junk’s eye gets busted up, a plot point to be revived in a later episode.

PB: Why are the drawstrings on Junk’s shorts coming out above his ass crack? Please tell me that’s normal and that he didn’t simply put them on backwards.

Matt keeps tagging Scott with shots that knock him to the ground, including one with a delayed fuse, but he refuses to follow him and allowing a reset. The one time he does leap in he nails Junk in the back of the head several times in clear view of the ref, but nothing is done about it.

I think Quinton must have been gone on this day because we haven’t seen or heard from him in a while now. I don’t care what the reason for his absence is. Never look a gift horse in the mouth.

NC: They probably just shut his microphone off.

PB: Alright, it’s obvious that Meathead is just terrified of being on the ground with anyone, even if he’s the much bigger guy and he’s on top.

This fight is just really really ugly. Junk just keeps getting dropped over and over again while Meathead acts like Overeem in the Werdum rematch the moment it could hit the ground.

The last two fights really spoiled us, because they ended before any of them could really hit E on their gas tank, here we’re not so lucky as things pass the half way point both guys have slowed way way down.

NC: As the round comes to a close, you can see that both guys are losing steam in their punches

Finishing StrongK-1, eat your heart out.

PB: And looking at how much time is left for this episode, we’re going to have to sit through another 5 minutes of this slopfest. Dana is giddy like a schoolgirl because they’re playing Stand N Bang, it doesn’t matter how terrible they are, he just wants to see leather getting thrown.

Ah s**t, there’s Quinton.

Round two is a reminder why we subtitled this season as the one cardio forgot, it looks more and more like a brawl you’d see outside a dive bar at 3AM. Both guys shot their load 20 seconds in and now they’re just praying the other guy drops dead of a heart attack before they do.

NC: Junk manages to drag the action to the mat where he should have a clear advantage. “Should” being the operative word here. He stays on top but isn’t able to do much of anything so Josh Rosenthal stands them up. It’s a shame because they both seemed to be enjoying the opportunity to lie down and do nothing.

I think Junk was actually ahead heading into the middle of the second round, but he becomes a stationary target and Matt lands one clean shot after another.

PB: After Meathead gets the majority decision, Quinton (surprise surprise) walks off once again. Instead of checking on his fighter, he’s going to throw a full on f**king temper tantrum and show us just how pissed off he is. And he’ll do it by infamously destroying the cardboard door that separates the back rooms from the gym itself.

Door Destruction 1

Door Destruction 2One could argue that Rampage hasn’t had as convincing a win since.

Ever heard the saying “A bad mechanic blames his tools”?

NC: In this case, the mechanic himself is a tool.

PB: Try as he and his lapdog might, the only person Rampage should be mad at is himself. He was an idiot while picking fighters and then he hired even bigger idiots to work with them. This is like the blind leading the blind, and the idea that Jackson should shoulder even an ounce of responsibility is seen as ludicrous.

NC: After this episode aired, Rampage had a 2-13 TUF coaching record in his two combined seasons.

PB: You know what really irks me about Quinton and his coaches? None of them seem to give a s**t about actually helping anyone grow or improve as a fighter. If you’ve already lost, then f**k off with you, Tiki’s words of stupidity need to go to someone else. Unless you’re Kimbo, you just suck and you always will suck, there is no helping you so why even bother trying, you’re just a drain on resources.

That’s the message they’ve been sending loud and clear.

NC: It’s one of the reasons I’ve always wanted the show to move towards having coaches who are good coaches rather than picking it based on potential match-ups. Admittedly, it helped to add a lot of heat to the Rampage-Rashad collision that would go on to do about a million buys, but I’d say this was the last time this ploy worked (you could make an argument for Rousey-Tate II, but at that point Ronda was generating so much heat all the show did was delay the inevitable).

Bring Matt Serra back. Chael Sonnen. Big Nog. Heck, bring back Rashad! Give me coaches who care and form relationships with the fighters (even if it’s just for show) over pushing feuds that are usually already manufactured.

Then maybe we can get guys like Punisher Bass back into TUF.

PB: That’s going to be a tall order, because not even Shane Carwin’s coaching gig was enough.

Mitrione Victorious

Vintage TUF – The Ultimate Fighter Season 10: Heavyweights – Week 6 – Titties

Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot

NewChallenger: Before we go any further, I feel it’s important to note that I actually think TUF 10 is one of the better seasons despite my partner’s protestations. Then again, that’s because many of the seasons since have been some mixture of boring, awful, and pointless. At least TUF 10 is hilariously stupid at times. I’d say it’s one of the five best seasons, a compliment that says more about the TUF franchise in general than anything else.

PunisherBass: Oh really? Next time, you pick the season we recap and prove me wrong.

We open in the TUF house kitchen where it’s 8 AM and the guys are eating their breakfast, only Darrill Schoonover is having his in liquid form. And I don’t mean he’s sipping a Carnation instant breakfast either, dude is drinking beer. He reasons this away to his team by saying he has a headache.

NC: One of my favourite things about these rarely seen heavyweight seasons is that they do not give a s**t about what they’re putting into their bodies.

No ShameSo these are free, right?

PB: Because this is a reality show and the production crew will try and shape the narrative as they see fit, no matter how against reality it is, they use editing here to make Schoonover look like a raging alcoholic. We’re shown him grabbing three beers from the fridge, pouring a glass of red wine (I think), and then eating breakfast with a Long Island Iced Tea.

The problem is that just like Kimbo’s shorts in a previous episode, Darrill’s shirt keeps changing during the montage, so you’re not slipping that past me.

NC: That said, he is still having a beer in the morning and later when asked if he’s been drinking all he can say is “I was drinking yesterday, not today.” And you could probably add a “yet” at the end there.

PB: At the gym, Rashad Evans gives a special introduction for Phil Nurse who will be working with the guys today. Feel free to make up your own greasing jokes because I’ve got nothing. Soon Rashad says he wants to have Brendan Schaub and Schoonover get in the ring so he can watch them spar.

He’s none too thrilled with what he’s seeing and says “We need to get (Darrill’s) cardio right, it’s not where it should be”. Truth be told, he’s hardly the worst offender we’ve seen in that regard this season, faint praise I know, but at least someone is finally talking about the gas tank issue.

James McSweeney tells Evans that Schoonover is an alcoholic and about his recent self medicating, which only serves to piss Darrill off.

In the back, Rashad and his coaches sit him down to have a little intervention about his drinking habits.  They gently suggest that he either cuts way back on his consumption, if not stop it all together, and save it for his first victory celebration.

Off topic, but I’d really like to know what the weekly grocery budget for the TUF house is.

NC: And not just the grocery bill, they’re also able to request all sorts of toys and gadgets especially if it will lead to shenanigans in the house. It’s undoubtedly a hefty chunk of change, but still a lot cheaper than any television show where the cast is making hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars per episode. Just another benefit of reality TV programming.

PB: Rashad tells the camera that Darrill is a diamond in the rough, and I just don’t see it. Out of all these guys, disregarding fight skills, if I was to label any of them as something special then it would have to be Justin Wren.

NC: I was rooting for Darrill, but only because I wanted to see him shut Rampage up. Regarding his skills, I agree with you that there wasn’t much of note on the show. Rashad is convinced that he has some serious power in his stand-up though.

Clinch Elbow TrainingSo we’re not worried about concussions in training at all?

PB: If you somehow found Quinton Jackson saying the word “titties” those 4,000 times in the first episode to be amusing in any way, first I hope you never have children and second you’re about to see it driven into the ground so f**king hard that it pops out in a parallel dimension.

He calls Darrill this a half dozen times in less than 30 seconds which eventually provokes him to fire back with “You know what? I’ll drop down to 205 and I’ll kick your ass”.

Proving once again that he loves to talk s**t to people but can’t stand it if any comes back his way, he follows Darrill as he’s walking away and redoubles his efforts.

His “I’ll kick yo ass titties!” is met with Darrill’s challenge to have a sparring session, which is declined. There’s no Tiki here but I’m taking a shot anyway.

NC: Not to mention the fact that if they did spar and Darrill somehow hurt Rampage, he would be in deep trouble and likely kicked off the show while Rampage would just keep laughing all the way to the bank. It’s a blatant abuse of his position on the show whether he realizes he’s doing it or not.

It is deeply disturbing that a veteran like Rampage lets Darrill (who is essentially a nobody on the MMA scene) get under us skin. This would be like Louis CK getting flustered by some random insult comic hijacking a show.

PB: When it’s time to announce the next fight, Evans chooses Schoonover to take on this season’s other favorite whipping boy Zak Jensen. When his initial attempts to get a rise out of him fails, Jackson switches to asking Darrill “Got milk bitch!?” several times until he’s finally told to go f**k himself.

NC: In Rampage’s defence, not a single person laughed when he said it the first time, so obviously the right thing to do in that situation is repeat the same tired joke.

PB: Seeing Darrill step up to Quinton makes me think of two things. One, how I’ve been in very similar situations during my school days. Two, a quote from Farscape, “It’s a show of force, it’s the only thing that Klingons understand!” Foolish as it may have been, I don’t think I’d blame him if he took a swing.

NC: Rashad does the smart thing and steps in for Darrill, much to the constant amusement of Trevor Wittman.

Wittman LaughingAt least someone is having a good time.

PB: Thankfully, because you can’t make an entire episode with just the word “titties”, it’s now time for things to focus on Jensen and more of the abuse he’s forced to endure. Can we file a lawsuit against this show? Like for second hand emotional battery by proxy or something?

NC: Kimbo has a new nickname for Zak: “Linderman”. So random. I remember there was this fighter named D.J. Linderman who started making waves on the regional circuit a few years ago, and I legitimately thought it was Zak working under an alias.

Here’s Kimbo to explain things as only he can: “To sum it all up: If Shrek had a little brother it would be (Zak). And his name would be ‘Linderman’.”

PB: Wes Sims has started a betting pool for which day Zak will finally crack on and skin everyone in their sleep. There’s nothing wrong with good natured ribbing, but Wes is really starting to push up against the line of being a sadist.

NC: We get a variety of reactions from the rest of the cast. Abe, literate as always, compares Zak to Piggy from Lord of the Flies. For anyone not familiar with that book, Piggy gets killed.

Matt says he likes Zak, though he still thinks he’s going to flip out so he’s just glad that he’s on Zak’s good side. Brendan says that the others are “f**ked up” for doing it, then adds “You’ve still got me for the 16th, right?”

Zak In BedAdding names to the list like he’s Arya Stark.

PB: Because there are no TV’s or internet in the house and contact with the outside world is prohibited while on the show, I understand they need to come up with ways to entertain themselves, and that can lead to some really stupid things…

Mikey Burnett 1Mikey Burnett 2So why don’t they keep a couple boardgames in one of the closets somewhere? I’m serious, just picture Roy Nelson, Kimbo Slice, McSweeney, and Abe Wagner (as the banker) sitting around the kitchen table playing a game of Monopoly. Or what about Marcus Jones, sitting on the floor in a dark bedroom, surrounded by Wren, Demico Johnson, and Schaub. He’s wearing a bath robe pulled over his head because he’s playing Dungeon Master for a D&D campaign he got started.

Think about it, the UFC really missed the boat here. I’d pay money to see either of those.

NC: You’re really assuming that these guys can handle anything more complicated than Candy Land or The Game of Life.

PB: Oh come on, the possibilities are endless here. Mouse Trap and Outburst come to mind. A game of laser tag or a Nerf war maybe. What about Nelson taking on Slice in a game of the almighty CROSSFIRE!!!!! They could at least spring for a deck of Cards Against Humanity, you know?

NC: Speaking of offences to humanity, Darrill proudly shows off a demented tattoo of a clown cutting off a girl’s head and tells people that he got it when he was drunk.

PB: And you see kids? This is why you should never be drunk in public with cash in your pocket, bad s**t like this is what can happen to you. Most reputable tattoo artists won’t work on someone who’s obviously intoxicated, but I guess Darrill found one who was also s**t faced at the time or was simply less scrupulous.

Welp, we made it through almost half of this episode without having to look at Tiki’s face and his Scott Steiner knockoff facial hair. Maybe we’ll get lucky and won’t have to listen to him talk as well. Either way, take a shot.

Ok, I swear to you dear readers, I write all this on the fly. I watch, I pause so I can take notes, then I unpause and continue watching. I don’t go back and rewrite something to setup a joke to try and sound clever, this kind of thing just happens on its own.

Once again…I have spoken way too soon, because here he comes carrying of some sort of wrapped gift. I don’t really care what it is simply because of its association with Tiki, I’m only hoping it’s not a painting of himself in a thong, covered in baby oil, and posed seductively on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace.

NC: Tiki has a collage made of Team Rashad and…come on, Pun, you’ve got to admit that’s pretty sweet:

Team CockyPB: I highly doubt Tiki actually made this himself, but credit where it’s due, I’ve seen far far worse. Props for having McSweeney’s MMA record right on his shirt as well. If you pay close attention, you’ll see Wren has been given a set of chicken legs and a beak, I remember there being something about a chicken prank during this season, but we obviously haven’t seen it yet. Creative editing at work once again.

NC: Some of the other highlights are Mike Van Arsdale being made up like a transvestite, Roy Nelson as a fat cowboy, and the expected Darrill in a bra. Oddly, Mitrione and Schaub get away unscathed.

PB: A few quick thoughts here. I guess Quinton liked Kimbo’s nipple cap so much, he just had to get one of his own, that or he’s borrowing one and that idea just maks me feel icky. It’s also nice to see that Wes Shivers has finally caught his breath and is apparently training again. And then Jackson shows that he only really knows how to communicate through anger or personal attack by belittling his team once again.

NC: Rampage asks if Zak if he wants him to call Zak’s momma and Zak responds by shoving him, which Rampage likes.

Zak bangs his face against someone’s knee during training and the damage is immediately noticeable. Blood is pouring down his face. You can hear someone enthusiastically yell, “Does that mean he’s out?” I wonder who would say such a thing?

Kimbo KaresOh.

I like Kimbo, but that is a truly f**ked up way to behave.

PB: He’s really showing team spirit and concern for his fellow teammate by instantly assuming he’s now back in the tournament.

NC: This whole segment is disgusting. Like I said at the beginning, I think this season is alright overall, but this is not one of its prouder moments. Tiki and Rampage are all but begging for Zak to not be able to fight, with Tiki saying that he’ll quit at the first sign of adversity anyway. F**king hell, Pun. This would be a good time for one of your anti-Tiki rants.

PB: Ask and ye shall receive. I never have to scrape up new reasons to hate Tiki, because every single week he provides me with a treasure trove of new ones. No one, not a single person likes him except Jackson. He’s not only incompetent at what he does, but he’s just a terrible human being on top of it, the kind of person you want to either never see again or hit with a baseball bat after spending five minutes talking to them.

He’s like the Rob Liefeld of the MMA world. Just, you know without the money, fame, and continued gainful employment.

This week’s gem from Tiki is “You want this, and you know some of the guys on this team DON’T want this!” said to Slice. What exactly in the fresh hell did Arianny Celeste find so appealing about this man? Because it gives me and Alexandra Daddario hope for the future. And, don’t forget to take two shots.

Gee guys, why don’t you just take Zak out behind the gym and put two behind his ear? Give him the Old Yeller treatment, because that’s obviously what you’d rather do to the guy, it would also be more humane.

NC: At least Rampage says that he is proud of Zak for sticking with it, though in a condescending way. He compares it to watching a kid riding a bike on his own for the first time. They know Zak is a grown-ass man, right?

PB: Awwwwww, poor Kimbo has a sad face when he finds out he’s not getting to replace Zak after all.

Ugh, I might have to start a bro fist counter now as well.

While Evans and Nurse are doing some light sparring, they notice the piece of Deviant Art that’s been hung on the wall. “I’ve got a joke for them, 5 and 0” Evans says. He quickly takes it down and hides it in the back room. I would have put it in the bathroom, there’s no such thing as too much toilet paper.

During the weigh-ins, we get another bombardment of “titties jokes” from Quinton along with telling Schoonover to take his bra off. This has been the hardest episode for me to sit through by FAR. I’ve had to step away several times because it just gets to be too much of a chore.

NC: I picture you going for a break and then coming back to Rampage and Tiki taking one last opportunity to mess with Darrill before the fight.

Door PrankComedic geniuses.

PB: Tweedle Dumb and Dumber scamper to the Team Gold dressing room with a sharpie to deface Schoonover’s name. They add dots to the “OO”s along with the secret word of the day. Their psych warfare is second to none.

Helpful tip of the day, if you need to remove sharpie markings from something, all you need is some rubbing alcohol. It will take it off like magic.

NC: They were probably afraid that Darrill might try to drink it.

PB: “We’re not here to talk you to death.” I CALL BULLS**T ON THAT QUINTON!

Ok, I’ll admit, that is some horrible ink Jensen has on his back.

Team Rampage’s Zak Jensen (7-2) v. Team Rashad’s Darrill Schoonover (10-0)*

(* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)

NC: As both teams predicted, their beloved psychopaths come out aggressive! They land several hard shots on each other. It’s Darrill who eventually gets the better of it, landing some nice clinch knees before tagging Zak against the fence.

Darrill easily snuffs a takedown, then chooses to pull guard to take control on the ground. In the post-fight recap, Rampage and Dana would recall Zak getting a takedown, which is completely incorrect. Darrill then proceeds to set up the slowest triangle choke in history.

PB: As he’s setting up the triangle, he eats about 10 clean shots to the face from Zak before he thinks to try and block some of them. Darrill has it locked in, but I don’t know if it’s a technique or position problem that’s preventing him from really putting the squeeze on. He makes an adjustment and the lights start going out, at the half way mark the fight is called off as Zak is unresponsive.

NC: If only he’d followed Rampage’s advice to “GET OUT! GET OUT OF IT! GET OUT OF IT! GET OUT OF IT ZAK!” he might have turned this whole thing around.

Sleeping JensenPeace at last…

PB: If you thought Quinton would finally start showing some concern for his fighters, or do anything except walk off in a huff, you’d be wrong. Poor Zak breaks down crying in the back, and I don’t blame him, he’s done nothing but eat scoop after scoop of s**t from everyone in the house, and now he’s been choked out.

I guess Kinko’s had 2 for 1 sale, because Team Gold are presented with another copy of the Team Cocky picture. Instead of pissing off and upsetting them like intended, they simply laugh it off, still being undefeated tends to do that.

NC: I was kind of confused by the art unveiling as well. It wasn’t believable to me that they would make two copies, so I think they just messed around with the editing again so they could have their cake (Rashad dealing with it before training) and eat it too (showing Team Gold’s non-reaction to the joke). But at this point I feel like we are putting way too much thought into these things.

Speaking of which, I believe you had a side project of your own for episode 6?

PB: After I was done writing my notes for this episode, I somehow found the strength to re-watch it start to finish just so I could count how many times the special word of the day was either spoken or shown on screen. I seriously thought it was close to 100, it really felt like it, but I was wrong. “Titties” is used 51 different times during this 40 minute show. That means every 0.7 minutes we had to hear it.

Yet another reason why I never watched another season after this one.

Schoonover Victorious

Vintage TUF – The Ultimate Fighter Season 10: Heavyweights – Week 5 – Shower Shenanigans

Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot

NewChallenger: This week opens up with a lovely reminder that Team Rampage is off to a 4-0 start. Let’s not forget that just three seasons earlier, Rampage had coached opposite Forrest Griffin and started the same way. The streak was broken by Tim Credeur in week 5. Would he have any such luck this time around?

PunisherBass: While rolling with Darrill Schoonover, Matt Mitrione has apparently injured or reinjured his shoulder. He’s requesting a cortisone shot to which Evans is heavily objecting to. He says they’re only two weeks into this with four more to go, and if he gets one now without even having fought yet, he could do even more damage to himself.

While they’re riding to the gym, Team Silver member Marcus Jones says he’s anxious to fight and gives his best version of a maniacal laugh. Sorry Big Baby, I give you an A for effort, but there’s a reason why JDS checks under his bed for Ben Rothwell every night.

When Rashad tells him he’s getting his wish, Marcus’ face lights up like a Christmas tree.

NC: Unfortunately, Marcus doesn’t realize that Rashad is kind of messing with him. Any attempts to clarify the situation for him are ignored and he’s convinced that Rashad gave him his word.

PB: During Team Silver’s training session, Quinton is lamenting the fact that his guys are down four-zip to Rashad. He then says they’re the reason for his sour mood and even blames their losses for affecting his own performance in the bedroom. I wonder if he used this as one of the reasons he went on TRT?

NC: It would suit him since along with BJ Penn and Tito Ortiz, Rampage is one of the masters of excuses.

PB: Not having a human trouser stain as your #1 assistant might help as well.

Jackson says he’s going to teach them how to “wall walk”, or basically how to get to the cage and back up to your feet after being taken down. This would have come in real handy during week 3, and I know this is new footage since the cage mat is now blue instead of gray. This is like slamming the barn door after the horse has already escaped.

They try teaching this to Zak Jensen with Kimbo holding him down, Quinton then bags on him by saying he was the last one picked because he had the least amount of skills… NC, what was Jensen’s MMA record up to this point?

NC: Zak was a sterling 7-3 with his notable fights being first round submission losses to TUF alums Brad Imes and Mike Whitehead.

PB: Thank you. So yeah, to he’s not the best guy in the cast, but to say he’s the least skilled when Kimbo is in the same building is just an insult. It’s also no way for a coach to be talking about one of his own fighters, especially not if he’s trying to motivate them.

And to his credit, Jensen admits that he’s not comfortable off his back, and that it’s a flaw he needs to correct.

NC: It’s a good thing he has such a calm, steady motivator like Rampage to guide him.

Slap HappyYou do NOT slap a man.

PB: Back at the house, the Mark Twain quote thief with frosted hair apparently had an issue during his morning shower. As if Zak hasn’t already been s**t on enough in this episode, his own teammate is now pissed at him. Wes Sims is claiming that Zak left a puddle of splooge on the shower floor, which he stepped in and nearly hurt himself.

Just for fun, let’s list the euphemisms used here. “A whole family of Jensens” “Jerked Mr. Happy” “Big ole pile of fermented mayonnaise”. Everyone sits around cracking various jokes about him while he’s in his bed writing.

NC: In their testimonials, James McSweeney says that Zak has no idea how to cope with being bullied and Brendan Schaub says Zak is sensitive and shouldn’t be there.

I always feel bad for guys like Zak who are clearly brought in to fulfill this weird “everyman/sad sack” role made famous by the likes of TUF 5’s Wayne Weems and, of course, TUF 1’s Jason “Strange Brew” Thacker.

PB: While Team Gold is getting ready to hit the mats, Meathead clutches his left arm to his chest and has Brendan wrap him in plastic wrap like he’s Thanksgiving leftovers. I have no idea if this is a legit thing to do or not, so I’m going to put it next to Kimbo Nun Slice as “Bizarre S**t On TUF 10”.

Shoulder WrapKeep in mind, this was long before the UFC had an insurance program.

Here’s a question, do we know if Meathead is left or right handed? Maybe he’s the one who “seeded the shower” and that’s really how he hurt his arm?

After, we see him do some solo one armed shadow boxing, which I’m convinced the producers put him up to.

One Hand ManThis is just damn silly.

And now he’s running on a treadmill and telling Evans that he wants to fight next. Rashad asks him “Why? Why over everyone else who’s here?”

NC: Matt tells Rashad that he’s a guaranteed win. According to Meathead, he’s too hurt to practice but not too hurt to compete. Uh…

PB: Meathead is basically an enigma wrapped in a lot of contradictions with a healthy dash of utter confusion on top, which makes my brain hurt.

During Team Silver’s time in the gym, Wes Shivers (still benched I might add) recites Sims’ Shower Shenanigans Story to Quinton. Damn, exactly which one of the MMA Gods did Jensen piss off to have this much s**t rain down on him? While in a triangle choke with Sims, he goes to sleep and must get woken up by Tiki rubbing his chest.

I’d like to know how Arianny Celeste didn’t involuntarily scream in abject horror whenever the same thing happened to her.

He’s out of it enough to where the medics are called in and fit with him an oxygen mask. I’d make a joke asking where these things were for the past four episodes, but I don’t have to heart to.

NC: I think you just did.

Rampage has no sympathy for Zak (shocker) and says that if it was him who had passed out in practice like that, he would have moved to another planet.

OxygenAm I fitting in yet, guys?

Back at the house, Matt is driving the rest of the team crazy with all of the stuff he’s doing with his shoulder besides training. Shooting hoops, throwing the pigskin, probably jackin’ it in the shower like Zak as you mentioned…I’ll be honest, this was the depiction of Mitrione that stuck in my head for a while. I rooted against him in his first few UFC appearances until I realized that 1) he’s a fun fighter to watch and 2) he might be an assh**e, but no more than most of the folks you see on reality TV shows.

PB: Schaub and Nelson sit and imitate what he just said doesn’t hurt it, but surprisingly they refrain from doing the classic jerk off motion.

NC: Or at least it didn’t make it to air. I think it’s cool to imagine that these two were sticking together from day one with the knowledge that they were a step ahead of everyone else. It’s one of the reasons I tell people to watch these older editions of TUF, to see well known and successful fighters having to jump through these hoops to make it to the big show. Can you believe that the likes of Forrest Griffin, T.J. Dillashaw, and Rashad himself had to go through this crap?

PB: In training, Matt is getting the “Kimbo treatment”, aka Nelson is on top of him and has the job of trying to get out. This is the same guy who six years later went for his first official takedown in the UFC and was instantly choked out moments later. So you can imagine how well this goes.

NC: If there’s one good moment for Matt in this episode, it’s his dialogue about wanting to switch out his arms:

“…kinda like the old He-Man figurines where you could just pull off an arm and put, like, Ram Man’s arm on there, I might do that. Or Cringer. Cringer had really strong arms, I could probably use his. Actually, he was Battle Cat when he was strong, maybe I’ll use Battle Cat’s.”

PB: And we still have his whole “I went to go visit my wife… IN MY HEAD!” thing to deal with in the future.

On the ride back to the house, Marcus says “I’m too tired to masturbate right now” to which Abe Wagner says “You know who’s not?” Even as childish as this all is, I’ll still take it over more Tiki.

NC: Big Baby is still going on about being picked to fight even though he was given zero confirmation that that was actually the case.

PB: At the fight announcement, Rashad pulls a Russo and picks Justin Wren to fight Wes Sims and Jones looks crushed.

NC: Maybe he was just confused by Justin and Wes’ post-pick antics.

Weird FaceoffWe honestly have no idea what this means.

Big Baby proceeds to have a bitch fit about not getting to fight. Re-watching it now, these Marcus Jones segments are as tired as I remember them. I’m all for the “big, sensitive guy” trope, but this is just boring.

In Justin’s info segment, we learn that he fights out of Travis Lutter’s camp. You all might remember Lutter as the middleweight winner of TUF 4, for missing weight in a subsequent title fight with Anderson Silva, and for being the Michael Jordan of Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

I’m starting to remember why I liked Wren. His soft spoken demeanour won me over. He really comes off as a thoughtful individual. Even when he’s announcing that he’s going to put on a show for all of the people watching on Spike TV, it comes off as more dutiful than boastful.

PB: Slice says Wren is a “Greco-Roman whateverthef**k that is wrestler”. If you’re a fighter signed to the UFC, shouldn’t you at least know what the difference is between freestyle and Greco-Roman wrestling? I do and I’ve never even done either.

First Kimbo Kard of the episode with him asking how he’s going to get another fight. It sounds like he’s planning to pull a Showgirls if that’s what it will take for him to be a replacement. I think we might have our third suspect for what happened in the shower…

My thoughts on Sims are 1: He’s a tall mofo, tallest in the house in fact at 6’9. 2: He’s a real character.

NC: He has a tendency to talk like someone who has taken too many blows to the head. I actually feel kind of bad for him. He’s just trying so hard to use this show as a platform to promote himself.

Sims BellyMoments like this are why they don’t do more heavyweight seasons.

PB: I only feel bad that he later had to job to Bobby Lashley in Strikeforce. At the weigh-ins, Wren takes his shorts off to reveal he’s wearing a pink leopard print speedo.

NC: A glorious pink leopard print speedo.

PB: Indeed, Dennis Hallman would be proud. He comes in at 247lbs so well played. Not one to be outdone, Sims drops his drawers to show that he’s wearing what has to be the world’s biggest thong, he weighs 251lbs.

NC: I would call that a “banana hammock”.

ThunderwearWe stand corrected: THIS is why they don’t do more heavyweight seasons.

PB: Instead of laughing along with everyone else, Quinton decides to make some homophobic jokes.

NC: We might need a new drinking game.

Team Rampage’s Wes Sims (23-12-1 [2 NC]) v. Team Rashad’s Justin Wren (7-1)*

(* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)

PB: The fight begins with Wren tying Sims up against the fence and Wes attempting a few foot stomps.

NC: Say what you want about these fights so far. That is some sweet ass foot stomping.


PB: After a separation and another tie up, Justin wrestles him to the ground.

NC: That was caused by Wes inexplicably abandoning his jab for a completely useless kick.

PB: He quickly switches from side control to north south then back to side control before applying an arm triangle choke on Sims.

Only 90 seconds in and Herb Dean calls it off, though I think Wes was clearly out for a good 5-10 seconds before he stepped in. You even see him allllllmost call it before backing off again a few times. This was more one sided than Nelson/Slice was, you couldn’t even nuke a bag of popcorn before this fight was over.

During the replay, we see that while Herb was checking to see if Wes was responsive, Quinton was yelling at him “Get out! You know how to get out of this!” Too little too late.

NC: Don’t forget these other gems from Rampage’s corner: “You know what he’s doing” and “He doesn’t got it”.

Arm Triangle KONo he doesn’t. And yes he does.

PB: In the cage, a very confused and disoriented Sims is trying to get to his feet but being told to stay down by Herb and the doctor while Trevor Wittman pours cold water on him. Do you want to take a guess where Jackson is during all this and what he’s doing?

NC: At his fighter’s side, clasping his hand tenderly with tears in his eyes?

PB: He’s sitting on the edge of the cage with his back to Wes, bitching and moaning to Tiki about another loss and asking why this keeps happening.

NC: Oh.

PB: Shivers tries to defend Quinton’s actions, more like inaction, by saying he’s a fighter and not a coach. So is Rashad, but he’s still putting in far more effort than Jackson is.

Wren and his team are happy and excited after moving to 5-0, and they don’t plan to let their stranglehold on the tournament go anytime soon. A post fight celebratory belly bump between Justin and Roy gets the thumbs up from me.

In the back room, Quinton continues to sulk and says “We can’t make ‘em fight”. And then Tiki says what is in my mind the most infamously stupid and downright moronic thing said in this entire season. And trust me, I don’t make that statement lightly.

He says “We can’t fight for ‘em.” Now just let that sink in for a minute.

Don’t take two, but take three shots this time, because this is a special occasion. Tiki saying s**t this like this perfectly highlights why a lot of people wish a house would fall on his head.

Before everyone leaves, there’s a conversation/argument between Quinton and Rashad. Evans tells him he could do better and Jackson just tells him that he isn’t a coach and only knows how to handle himself, not other fighters.

And then Rashad delivers this epic putdown to Tiki, he even gift wrapped it and put a nice big bow on it! “Tiki, just because Rampage doesn’t go in the cage doesn’t mean you don’t have to go in the cage either”. BOOM! HEAD SHOT! And all Tiki can do is stand there schtum.

NC: Tiki just took it like the obedient lap dog that he is.

PB: Quinton suggest that the whole reason he hasn’t been checking on his fighters post fight isn’t about a lack of respect, but rather doing so would make him so angry he’d do something that would require the cops. Not really the best thing to say after that monster truck incident.

In the preview for next week, there’s heat between Jackson and Schoonover, Jensen continues to wish this show was over already, and they play the Kimbo Kard again when someone gets injured.

NC: “Oh God, thank you. I get to bang again.” The most blatantly misleading Kimbo Kard yet!

Wren Victorious

Vintage TUF – The Ultimate Fighter Season 10: Heavyweights – Week 4 – Kimbo Komeback?

Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot

Punisher Bass: “The most anticipated showdown in Ultimate Fighter history?” NewChallenger, is there any truth in that statement?

NewChallenger: I’d certainly say so. Outside of the finale fights, the only matches with much hype behind them were Josh Koscheck/Chris Leben (huge at the time) and maybe Gray Maynard/Nate Diaz. Though I can’t remember either of them having near the level of buzz as Kimbo’s first fight on TUF.

PB:  “But is this really the end for Kimbo?” 30 seconds into the episode and we already have our first Kimbo Kard of the night.

NC: Just to clarify for any new readers, a “Kimbo Kard” is any shameless attempt by the show to imply that Kimbo could be returning to the competition even though he was eliminated last week.

PB: As we’re shown highlights from last week’s fight, Team Silver fighter Scott Junk provides us with these little gems.

“Kimbo was looking good.” No, no he wasn’t, not unless he was playing charades and trying to imitate “Hybrid of fish on land crossed with upside down turtle”.

“Kimbo looked good, his gas levels were nice.” Even by the extremely low standards that have been set so far, there is no way anyone should be saying that with a straight face.

“Kimbo made one mistake in the second round when he threw that knee, and I think it basically cost him the fight.” Oh we’re deep into the bulls**t now.

“Kimbo didn’t know how to get out of that move and there’s been champions who’ve been finished in that move, you know?” That comparison is an insult to anyone who’s ever held a belt in any major MMA promotion.

“Kimbo did super well I thought, he was just outclassed on the ground”, I rolled my eyes so hard I think I broke something.

NC: If I hadn’t actually watched the fight myself, I’d think that Kimbo was really good. Unfortunately, I did and he isn’t.

PB: They’ve spent the first 5 minutes of this episode trying to put some of the bloom back on this rose, but once the toothpaste is out the tube, there’s no shoving it back in.

Nelson tells Quinton that the counting out loud helped him because he lost track after the 10th punch. This pisses him off enough to where he gives Roy a shove as he’s walking away and continues to lob insults at him after he’s out of the cage. Trash talk is a one way street with Jackson, he loves dishing it out but can’t stand it coming back at him.

NC: Justin Wren and Roy celebrate with a belly bump, much to their delight of their teammates and to the disgust of pretty much everyone watching at home. In a somewhat related note, I thought Justin was going to become a heavyweight contender for reasons that escape me at this moment.

Belly BrosHow’d you like to be in the middle of that man sandwich?

PB: As a fat guy, I approve of the belly bump celebration, it’s better than a bro fist at least.

In the back, Jackson says to Kimbo “We’re gonna keep working with you and turn you into one of the best fighters out here homie.” Yeah… no.

“Only thing that kept you on the ground was his weight” Quinton says, and Tiki follows him up with “He was the IFL champ and he was scared to stand with you, he almost got knocked the f**k out. He had to take a desperation shot.” Tiki, hair dye is meant for external use only, I’m willing to bet that there’s an “avoid ingestion” warning label somewhere on the box. And if you’re playing at home, take a shot.

NC: They refuse to acknowledge that Nelson is a well regarded BJJ black belt. There is just no accountability whatsoever. Tiki says that Roy probably isn’t happy with the win. I don’t know, he seemed pretty happy to me.

Nelson Victorious PB: “He was pounding the s**t out of me up there. He didn’t hurt me though, I can take a punch” says Kimbo. Isn’t that kind of an oxymoron?

Another Kimbo Kard, reminding us that he can be tagged in if someone gets injured.

NC: The first 10 minutes of this episode are dedicated to keeping the hope of a Kimbo return alive.

PB: I know they’re trying to paint him in a sympathetic light here, but I have a hard time buying it when he was probably getting paid more to be on the show than the rest of the cast put together.

Marcus Jones is doubled over in the kitchen and sweating as bad as I do in 110 degree heat. James McSweeney calls it a “sweat attack”, Brendan Schaub says he thinks it’s from Jones not being used to training like a pro fighter, and as Kimbo is fanning him off with a shirt he says to him “You may not be able to fight”.

Marcus’ reaction to this is akin to being told about scientology for the first time.

NC: It might be a bad sign that the act of staying physically fit is actually killing Marcus.

Matt Mitrione gets some shine in the next gym segment. Rashad praises him for his athleticism. I admit, I didn’t think much of him, probably because he was giving me a Vincent D’Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket vibe. Wait, maybe that should have made me take him more seriously.

PB: While the guys are having their training session, Rashad and his coaches are in the back going over their gameplan for the rest of the tournament, who they want who to fight, and they bring in each guy one by one to let them know what the deal is.

Because this is still a reality show, the title of this episode was “Snitch”, after Mitrione is filled in, van Arsdale tells him “Don’t tell nobody, keep it to yourself” as he’s walking out.

Wren comes back into the room to inform the boss that he and Junk (their preferred matchup) are good friends and have a history together, so he’ll do it but that he really doesn’t want to. Rashad (remember, this was before the shakeup at Greg Jackson’s) says he understands and couldn’t imagine having to fight one of his own friends.

NC: Rashad compares it to having to fight Jardine, which he actually had to do to make it to the finals of TUF 2 (though presumably that was before they became training partners).

PB: Team Silver comes in for their training session and Quinton calls Roy a fatass over and over.

Jackson says that Marcus Jones is a big dude who doesn’t know how to go at half speed, as we’re shown clips of him putting several of his teammates down with hard strikes and torquing on subs too much.

NC: He also tries to big up Scott Junk by saying that Junk eats forks and knives and staples. That makes him sound incredibly stupid, not tough.

PB: Back at the house, a little birdie has told Junk about what his future holds and he wants to hear confirmation from Wren on whether it’s true or not. That “little” birdie was none other than Meathead.


During breakfast the next morning, Justin confronts Matt over the leakage, and Wren is willing to forgive and forget. He’s a good dude, you need look no further than what he’s been doing in the 6 years since this show ended for proof of that. Schaub and the rest of the team on the other hand are more than a little pissed at the situation he’s created.

NC: Matt expresses his regret and says he’d jump on a grenade for the team. Schaub says it sounds like he threw the grenade this time. Ouch.

PB: McSweeney thinks he did it to get out of fighting Marcus because Meathead’s solution is to “just switch them up, change the fights.”

NC: Man, I’ve said it before, but I can’t stress enough how much better these older seasons were about teasing storylines and setting up potential match-ups.

PB: On the van ride to the gym, Schaub asks Matt “What were you thinking?”

“I am just an assh**e, really. It’s what I am.” Well… at least he knows.

At the gym he confesses his sins to Rashad and the other coaches, and they take it better than I would have. I would have let the team smear him in honey and then tie him to a red ant hill.

Outside the building, Quinton and his coaches have a “secret” meeting about the matchups. Tiki, being the incredible unwashed assh**e that he is, decides to start throwing rocks at a group of birds nearby. Take a shot.

When it’s time for the fight announcement, Rashad chooses Schaub to face Demico Rogers.

Dana White says that Brendan is a big dude, but “not anywhere near as big as Demico”… we’re told this while they’re standing face to face and are clearly the same height. In fact, Sherdog lists both men at 6’4. I will not tolerate your lies and bulls**t Dana.

NC: Tiki then tells Demico that he wants him to explode on Brendan’s face. Phrasing. Drink up, partner.

PB: After some more words outside, it looks like Quinton has given up his F-350 for an Audi while the trunk in Evans’ car is ridiculously small, you’d have a hard time fitting a single body in there without liberal use of a chainsaw, and even then it would be tight.

NC: I’m sorry, I have to take this moment to fully transcribe Rampage’s fantasy about wanting to murder Rashad:

Rampage UnhingedHave you ever thought about just punching somebody in they face and just…your fist keep going through the back of their brain and *brain exploding sound* and through their nose you pull out their brain *gaaaaaah* you just throw it back and you spit on it *ptew*. You know what I’m sayin’? Then you kick ‘em in the nuts.

PB: Back in the gym, after a Schaub training montage, we get one for Rogers.

“This fight is tailor made for you man, these guys f**ked up, they picked the wrong fight.” Well Tiki hasn’t been correct about a single thing yet, maybe he’s like a broken clock and it will happen eventually. And don’t forget to take a shot.

On fight day, Demico walks into the back to find Junk sitting there alone, his coaches are literally out to lunch while Schaub finds all of his ready and waiting for him. I’m sure this is just creative editing, but they show Rogers sitting around with his team like they’re all waiting for a bus while Brendan and his are getting ready to go to war.

NC: When Rampage and his crew finally show up, Tiki makes a play on words with “wrap” and “rap” and starts rapping. I can actually feel Punisher Bass seething even though we’re not watching at the same time and this actual episode aired six years ago.

PB: Do you know what the difference between Tiki and Kimbo is? Kimbo actually managed to notch a W in the UFC while Tiki went 0-4 during four different stints in the promotion, he also went 0-3 in the WEC. I should add, he was also finished in all of those fights as well.

Out of all the ways I have and will be trashing Tiki in the weeks to come, that right there is probably the biggest insult I can lob at him. He’s a less accomplished fighter than Kimbo f**king Slice.

NC: I love it when you get worked up like this. And I’m just going to remind everyone again that Tiki used to date Arianny Celeste. That’s the one that really sticks in my craw.

Team Rampage’s Demico Rogers (4-0)** v. Team Rashad’s Brendan Schaub (4-0)*

(* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)
(** Rogers had zero pro fights prior to this show, so we’ve listed his amateur record)

PB: Before this fight starts, I’d like to point out that at the time I was picking Schaub to win the tournament. All I knew about him was the he was a friend and training partner of Shane Carwin, but that was enough for me. Remember, I was still a newbie to the world of MMA.

NC: I wouldn’t blame you for that. He was also singled out as someone who worked with Rashad and his team before the show.

The game plan was for Demico to set up his takedowns with punches. So, of course, the first thing he does is shoot in with no set up whatsoever and nearly get trapped in a choke.

PB: After his first takedown gets stuffed, Demico completes the second and gets told to “score points” by Quinton while he’s in Schaub’s guard.

NC: Demico actually looks…kind of great passing into side control to land some big elbows.

PB: After some well placed fence grabs by Schaub, he’s able to reverse and lock in an anaconda choke and get the tap with a little over 1:40 left to go in the round.

Schaub AnacondaRemember what we said about him almost getting caught in a choke earlier…

While Team Gold celebrates moving to 4-0, Tiki asks Jackson if they should get Rogers a stool, to which he replies “What he need a stool for?” and walks away. Really showing how much you care about your guys there Quinton.

NC: Again, we know reality TV is all about manipulating footage, but…this is some damning evidence. It’s only made worse by what Team Rashad does next.

PB: Trevor Wittman goes over to help Demico get back to his feet and he and Rashad give him some words of encouragement as he hugs them both. After he gets a stool, Evans is still talking to him in the middle of the cage. The fight didn’t last long but he sure is tired. This is why we called this The Season That Cardio Forgot.

Fun fact, after this season, Demico wound up joining Wittman’s Grudge Training Center.

“He really got tapped out by an anaconda choke?” Quinton asks to no one in particular. This is followed by “I don’t believe in all that passing the guard crap when you’re in good position to punch…coaches, we need to have a meeting for real!”

In the back, I can’t really understand what he’s saying, but I think it boils down to “Our guys suck, so we need to keep things simple, we can’t give them complex instructions. They’re not on our level, they’re too green. I can’t deal with this, it’s too much for me”.

NC: I’m mixed on my feelings about Rampage as a TUF coach. On the one hand, he’s clearly the worst at it and has little to no interest in actually helping his fighters improve. That might not be fair. He doesn’t show that he has any idea about how to help his fighters improve. There we go.

On the other hand, his schtick is entertaining for the most part. And as I mentioned in a previous post, he seems to be in on the joke. The joke being TUF itself, naturally.

PB: I think, no, I know I was far more involved and had more emotional investment in my BECW teams than Jackson has shown here.

As Schaub walks to the back, he’s still breathing harder than he should be considering the fight ended several minutes ago (in their time).

Ok, I was wrong last week, they don’t end this episode with a Kimbo Kard, but I’ll bet my lunch money that they do it more often than not.

NC: Normally, I like to end every TUF post with a shot of the victorious fighter, but after going 4-0 I think it is okay to shine some light on the coach himself.

Rashad Happy“We kickin’ Rampage’s ass!”

PB: Next week, the show spends way too much time focusing on a “whole family of Jensens” left in the shower. Why did I ever think recapping this season would be a good idea?

Vintage TUF – The Ultimate Fighter Season 10: Heavyweights – Week 3 – KIMBO FIGHTS

Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot

Week 3

Punisher Bass: In the opening recap, we’re shown about five seconds worth of footage from Shivers vs. McSweeney last week and it consists of the opening bell, four or five leg kicks James throws, then him getting his hand raised. Good, the less of that the better.

“Can former IFL champ Roy Nelson overpower the street fighting legend? Or…will Kimbo show up to do what he does best?” Mike Rowe asks me.

I don’t know Mike, is it too much to ask for both?

After the intro credits, Kimbo is sitting in the bedroom talking about getting right with God and such to Abe Wagner. If I’m perfectly honest here, between the glassy eyed look and the fresh stitches on his forehead, poor Abe looks like he was recently given a frontal lobotomy. I’m only half surprised he’s not wearing a gown and gluing macaroni to a paper plate while Slice is talking.

NewChallenger: We get a glimpse at the kinder, gentler, more thoughtful Kimbo as he puts things “in perspectives”. It’s not easy being Kimbo.

By the way, now is as good a time as any for me to say that if anyone has a problem with CM Punk keeping his working name, then I don’t want to hear you use the name “Kimbo Slice” anymore either. Make sense?

PB: *Cough*#RallyForTheGreenRanger*Cough*

NC: I mention this because the former Reality Kings bodyguard refers to Kimbo Slice as if it is another person altogether.

“I guess whenever I decide to shave the beard…that’s when I’ll probably put Kimbo at rest. But will Kimbo ever be at rest?” Whoa.

And then of course, this classic:

Inner Kimbo“It’s not that it was the enemy. It was the inner me! The inner me. The inner me! The inner! THE INNER ME.”

PB: As Kimbo tapes some b-roll training footage outside, Schaub, Mitrione, and Schoonover are in the kitchen talking about the upcoming fight. Outside, before he’s even finished his jog, Slice is already out of gas and needs the help of his teammate to make it back to the house.

NC: The three guys make a good point about what a huge event this could be anywhere else. Both Nelson and Kimbo could make at least a few hundred grand from it, so for anyone who thinks the UFC exploiting its fighters is a recent development, it isn’t.

PB: Rashad and Trevor talk about how talented Roy is, but how he’s also very much a lone wolf (acting as his own manager and training out of his own house) and how they need to break him of that. They can help him grow as a fighter and they want to, but he has to start listening to their instructions.

NC: It’s his greatest strength and his greatest weakness, something that holds true to this day.

PB: Oh my goodness, it’s “The Dean Of Mean” Keith Jardine! Mr. CrazyNippleTweaker himself! Maybe he caught wind of Kimbo’s head and felt compelled to stop by?

NC: Don’t leave out his starring roles in such cinematic classics as Crank: High Voltage and Gamer!

PB: Fun fact, after shooting an episode of Breaking Bad with Jardine, actor Dean Norris thought he was actually the infamous Techno Viking. He had no idea they were not the same person.

And here’s the walking used baby diaper, Tiki. Take a shot. No, take two this time.

Quinton does the old “you’ve got something on your shirt” gag to Keith. Don’t people normally stop doing that after the 3rd grade?

NC: Yes, but they shouldn’t. Never fails to get a laugh from me. By the way, I’m 30.

Old Gag*boop*

PB: Evans keeps asking Jackson if his jaw hurts because Keith is there, to which Quinton takes umbrage. They get in each other’s faces and start smack talking each other, while Tiki stands next to both of them grinning like the village idiot.

The confrontation ends when Jackson says Evans’ breath is horrible so he pulls Tiki in front of him to act like a human shield. Now that’s a job he’s perfect for! Also, take two more shots.

NC: Rashad, ever the counter-puncher, was winning the argument by countering Rampage’s claim that Jardine stepped up so that Rashad wouldn’t have to defend his belt by pointing out that Rampage refused to take a short-notice fight against him at a different date. And Quinton, ever Quinton, chose the path of least resistance.

Take CoverIf only Rashad’s breath actually was bad enough to make Tiki’s facial hair fall off his face.

PB: Ah s**t, looks like I was wrong, now it’s time for McSweeney and Jackson to trade verbal jabs. Quinton tells him he can’t understand what James is saying and that he needs to “Speak American!” I take another shot just for myself.

NC: As far as British accents go, McSweeney’s is pretty mild so I’m not sure what Rampage is going on about. He trains at Wolfslair in the UK!

PB: Is the alcohol starting to kick in or Kimbo trying out for the lead in a Flying Nun remake? Seriously, with that towel on his head (over the nipple cap I might add) it looks like he’s wearing a nun’s habit.

Kimbo NunI know he said he was feeling closer to God at the top of the episode, but this might be taking things a tad too far.

I’m not even listening to the conversation he’s having with Quinton, I’m too distracted by the sight of Kimbo Nun Slice. And just like that it’s time for another training montage.

NC: Kimbo’s headgear isn’t the only thing about his appearance that Rampage gets fixated on. The trademark beard causes Coach Quinton to go on one of his infamous tangents:

“You ever lose a chicken bone in there?” And then he asks Kimbo if he’s a black Jew.

PB: There better not be much more Tiki in this episode, I’m running low on Knob Creek.

NC: Don’t look now, but…

PB: Oh god damn it! “Do whatever you’re comfortable with, there’s no wrong thing you’re gonna do down there”. I don’t care if Tiki was only getting paid in used chewing gum for this gig, it was way way too much. Time for another shot.

Quinton is worried that Kimbo is going to have trouble getting a big guy like Roy off of him, so Tiki calls Zak Jensen over to roll with Slice for a while. Remember how I described Slice’s grappling training as a “pity f**k” last week? Second verse same as the first.

NC: You know, at least Rampage recognized the scenario they should be preparing for. I mean, he offers no actual constructive criticism other than to tell Tiki that he’s not happy with what he’s seen so far, but he’s trying!

PB: Kimbo is struggling for all he’s worth while Zak just kind of sits there using the least amount of energy or skill require to stay on top of him. I’ve seen broken mechanical bulls put up more of a fight.

Ride 'ImYee. Haw.

“I’m fixing it” Tiki says trying to alleviate Quinton’s fears. Take another shot.

NC: I suppose it’s worth mentioning that they…don’t really come up with a solution to the Big Country conundrum.

PB: Did you know that Roy Nelson is fat? No? Well Quinton Jackson is here to tell you in about 20 different ways.

NC: And not one of them is particularly funny.

PB: “Picture yourself knocking this guy out, and I promise you it’s gonna happen!” I don’t think Tiki could pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. Take another two shots.

Moments before, Quinton was bitching that they didn’t have anyone near Nelson’s weight for Kimbo to train with, now we see Slice talking to Wes Shivers in the house. The fact that no one just had Wes run a couple laps around the cage and then lay on top of Slice as 280lbs of dead weight is just poor resource management.

In the backyard Nelson tells his less experienced teammates that if you’re on top of someone and hitting them clean, it doesn’t matter if they’re light little taps or serious bombs, the ref will have to step in because they’re not being defended intelligently. Foreshadowing?

NC: I was going to say, that whole segment could have used a *spoiler warning* tag.

PB: Another training session for Team Silver, and there’s a lot of huffing and puffing going on, it’s a good thing the UFC Gym isn’t made of straw (it is made of cardboard though) or else this would be the perfect start to a live action Three Little Pigs. Whatever workout they’re doing is apparently too much for Marcus Jones as he walks off the mats.

Quinton is sandwiched between Wagner and Shivers on the bench watching the guys work out, and he asks if Marcus is changing his tampon. I guess Abe and Wes are under medical suspensions with no contact allowed? Or does Quinton figure since they’ve already lost there’s no point in working with them any further?

NC: Do you think Quinton even remembers their names after they lost?

PB: Good point. Marcus says it’s his knee, he’s not injured but it is bothering him, enough to where he needs a break. My own bad knees begin aching in sympathy.

NC: Maybe so, but I don’t have a lot of sympathy for Marcus’ attitude. You know when you’re trying to talk down a significant other or your kid or something and no matter what you say they take it the wrong way? That’s how it is with Marcus here.

First, Marcus gets further aggravated when one of his teammates steps up to fight next despite Marcus’ desire to do so. Rampage points out that he wants Marcus to be at 100%, which he can’t be if his knee is bothering him.

Marcus takes this as Rampage not believing that he can win, which isn’t anywhere close to what his coach is saying. After some time, Rampage is able to talk the big man down, though not before threatening to put his foot up his ass if he starts to act like that again. Good talk.

PB: The show takes a moment to focus on Jones a bit more. He says he’s a big softie at heart, he plays D&D and collects comic books, he also likes to garden.

NC: I really can’t say enough what a great job these older seasons did of showcasing fighters ahead of time, not just on the episodes where they’re scheduled to fight. There’s a direct connection between this lack of attention to detail and the show’s current state of irrelevance.

On an unrelated note, we get a bonding moment between Marcus and Kimbo and I can’t help but picture what a kickass professional wrestling tag team they would be.

PB: What would they be called? “The Huff N Puff Express” with their finisher “The Big E”?

Oh we’re doing weigh-in s**t now? Slice weighs 230 lbs while Nelson comes in at 264 lbs. Roy may not look like an action figure, but he’s one of those fat guys you really don’t want to mess with.

NC: Alas, Both guys decline to weigh-in with their shirts off.

PB: “What’s gonna happen? I don’t know” Dana says, and I think he’s fibbing. One fighter is a guy who knocks others out with cinderblock fists and once beat Frank Mir in a grappling competition, and the other was knocked out cold by a skinny guy half his size who was hopping backwards on one foot at the time. Remember?

Slice-PetruzelliNC: In the show’s defence, this was before Nelson became the insane knockout artist that we would see in the UFC.

PB: Another training montage for Kimbo, and clearly it’s a mix from several different days since his shorts keep changing from cut to cut to cut.

NC: I’m in awe of the amount of editing that must have gone into making Kimbo look more competent than he actually is.

Wes Shivers sounds like he’s reading a hostage note as he praises Kimbo’s work. Though Wes always sounds like that.

Bull TrainingWith training methods like this, it’s a wonder that Rampage has such a poor coaching record on TUF.

Team Rampage’s Kimbo Slice (3-1) v. Team Rashad’s Roy Nelson (13-4)*

 (* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)

PB: After some jabs back and forth, with Nelson throwing and landing more, Kimbo tries throwing a leg kick. Would you believe that Roy is actually the faster fighter here? Most of the clock is eaten up with Roy clinching Slice against the cage before getting him to the ground with a nice trip and a little over 90 seconds left.

Nelson might as well be fighting a training dummy here because he goes from side control into full mount in about half a second. Kimbo is totally out of his element here and all he can do is grab hold and start praying for a stand up.

NC: Just as Rampage had feared, that big ass belly is all over his number one pick’s face.

PB: With one minute remaining, Roy goes for a kimura but quickly switches to side control and gets Slice in a crucifix against the cage and begins tagging his now completely helpless foe. Kimbo tries to push off the cage in hopes of shaking Nelson off, and he almost pulls it off but Roy reverses and maintains top position before easily regaining the crucifix.

Nelson starts going to town on Kimbo’s head again while he just lays there flopping his legs, no hip movement or further effort to escape, he’s looking into the face of the abyss and has resigned himself to his fate.

That’s basically the last 30 seconds of the round.

NC: It’s amazing how Roy implements his game plan exactly as he said he would. Once he’s got that crucifix, he can land as many unanswered shots as he wants and it doesn’t even matter if they’re doing any significant damage. The whole thing just looks so bad for Kimbo.

I do wish Roy didn’t get so desperate as the round ended. He was all but begging for Herb Dean to call it.

PB: During the rest period Kimbo is exhausted but is opting to stand with his hands over the cage.

Tiki says “He does NOT want to stand with you Kimbo!” Oh if I actually had a time machine and stun gun… Take two shots.

Quinton tells him that if (If? If? Hahahahahahah) Roy takes him down again, just tie him up until the ref resets them.

As soon as round two starts, Kimbo starts looking for a knockout so that means throwing haymakers only. After 30 seconds Slice tries kneeing Roy in the gut only to be taken down for his trouble, and this time there is no fence to help him.

NC: Oh, that fateful knee. It really looked like he’d hurt Nelson too. If only he hadn’t been compelled to do his best Sagat impression.

Bad Idea KneeTIGER! D’OH!

PB: I know I keep saying it, but Slice is completely and utterly lost while on his back. He’s not even trying to escape and he’s unable to tie him up for the possibility of getting a standup.

Now the round becomes a carbon copy of how the last one ended. Nelson goes for a kimura which leads directly into the crucifix, and is then followed by him teeing off on Kimbo’s dome. I start counting the unanswered shots in my head moments before I realize that Team Gold is already calling them out for me, pro wrestling style. After about 22 unanswered shots Herb Dean finally steps in and calls it off.

Count ItGet thee to a nunnery!

NC: Yeah, but imagine how much better Kimbo would have done if he’d just listened to the advice of his mentor:

Rampage: “Let’s go! Don’t let him do that. You gotta go!” All good options.

PB: Because Roy just humiliated Dana’s shiny and expensive new toy in front of the largest audience in TUF history (more on that in a minute), White is more than a little pissed off at Big Country. He also complains that “Roy did just enough to win and not get hit.”

NC: Are you saying he didn’t appreciate Roy asking him and Lorenzo for a double whopper with no pickles? These guys really did not like each other from day one.

PB: This pisses Dana off even more when he should be happy, since he’s giving a free plug to TUF sponsor Burger King.

Surprisingly, instead of walking off in a huff again, Quinton sticks around after the fight and makes the excuse that Nelson was simply just too big for Slice to get out from under. That’s the only possible reason and not that Kimbo has about as much grappling ability as my dead grandma. I’d be willing to bet that Kimbo would struggle against an old WWF Wrestling Buddy if he tried to grapple with it.

The episode ends with White trying to polish that turd of a performance by saying how ballsy it was for Kimbo to join TUF in the first place. Then he lays this little gem on us, “And one thing about The Ultimate Fighter, it’s never over until it’s over. There could be another opportunity for Kimbo to get back in there and fight again.”

This is where what I call the “Kimbo Kard” was birthed. It’s a cheap ploy they’re going to use every single week from here on out, and they’re doing it in hopes that constantly teasing his re-entry into the tournament will keep the ratings high.

This is how they will begin and end every following episode. If a fighter says he wants to go home, they play the Kimbo Kard. If Wes Sims slips in a puddle of j**z in the bathroom and stubs his toe, they play the Kimbo Kard.

NC: Spoiler: he doesn’t come back.

PB: So the episode ends with Team Gold now 3-0 against Team Silver, and nothing looks like that’s going to change it any time soon.

And I’m sending Tiki the bill for the cost of restocking my liquor cabinet.

Nelson VictoriousEpilogue

PB: This was a landmark episode for TUF, at least it was ratings wise, it set such a high watermark that in the six years since it first aired, no other has ever come close to even matching it let alone top it. Not even having Brock Lesnar or GSP as coaches could do it. It was all because of Kimbo and the casual viewers he brought in, they either didn’t know or care that he wasn’t a very good fighter, they just wanted to see him.

Just how many casuals? Try 2.4 million. This episode was watched by 5.3 million people as it aired, that was up from the 2.9 of the previous week and the 2.8 the week after this. I think it’s a shame that this had to be the most watched fight in TUF history and I also think it’s bulls**t that Dana tried to place the blame solely at the feet of Nelson.

Though I have to wonder, if Roy had knocked him out in 20 seconds, would Dana have been more or less pissed off at the result than he was here?

NC: The only “Nelson wins” scenario that I could see Dana being happy with is if the two slugged it out for three rounds ending in a close split decision. He must have known about Nelson before the show and had to realize that the man was going to play it as safe as possible until he’d made it to the finale. If Roy chose to throw caution to the wind, it might have endeared him to Uncle Dana.

As it stands, they’ve never had a gimmick like putting Kimbo on the show. I would have loved to have seen them do the same with CM Punk, but I couldn’t see him agreeing to do it considering he had a lot more leverage than Kimbo going in. And even then, I don’t think he has the crossover appeal of Kimbo. Say what you want about his MMA performances, he has a mystique that can’t be manufactured.

PB: Can’t be manufactured? What about Dada 5000? If he was any more of a walking talking Kimbo clone, he’d be sued for copyright infringment.

NC: Call me when he gets called up to main event with Ken Shamrock.

Next week…I mean, who really cares? Kimbo already fought.