Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot
NewChallenger: Before we go any further, I feel it’s important to note that I actually think TUF 10 is one of the better seasons despite my partner’s protestations. Then again, that’s because many of the seasons since have been some mixture of boring, awful, and pointless. At least TUF 10 is hilariously stupid at times. I’d say it’s one of the five best seasons, a compliment that says more about the TUF franchise in general than anything else.
PunisherBass: Oh really? Next time, you pick the season we recap and prove me wrong.
We open in the TUF house kitchen where it’s 8 AM and the guys are eating their breakfast, only Darrill Schoonover is having his in liquid form. And I don’t mean he’s sipping a Carnation instant breakfast either, dude is drinking beer. He reasons this away to his team by saying he has a headache.
NC: One of my favourite things about these rarely seen heavyweight seasons is that they do not give a s**t about what they’re putting into their bodies.
PB: Because this is a reality show and the production crew will try and shape the narrative as they see fit, no matter how against reality it is, they use editing here to make Schoonover look like a raging alcoholic. We’re shown him grabbing three beers from the fridge, pouring a glass of red wine (I think), and then eating breakfast with a Long Island Iced Tea.
The problem is that just like Kimbo’s shorts in a previous episode, Darrill’s shirt keeps changing during the montage, so you’re not slipping that past me.
NC: That said, he is still having a beer in the morning and later when asked if he’s been drinking all he can say is “I was drinking yesterday, not today.” And you could probably add a “yet” at the end there.
PB: At the gym, Rashad Evans gives a special introduction for Phil Nurse who will be working with the guys today. Feel free to make up your own greasing jokes because I’ve got nothing. Soon Rashad says he wants to have Brendan Schaub and Schoonover get in the ring so he can watch them spar.
He’s none too thrilled with what he’s seeing and says “We need to get (Darrill’s) cardio right, it’s not where it should be”. Truth be told, he’s hardly the worst offender we’ve seen in that regard this season, faint praise I know, but at least someone is finally talking about the gas tank issue.
James McSweeney tells Evans that Schoonover is an alcoholic and about his recent self medicating, which only serves to piss Darrill off.
In the back, Rashad and his coaches sit him down to have a little intervention about his drinking habits. They gently suggest that he either cuts way back on his consumption, if not stop it all together, and save it for his first victory celebration.
Off topic, but I’d really like to know what the weekly grocery budget for the TUF house is.
NC: And not just the grocery bill, they’re also able to request all sorts of toys and gadgets especially if it will lead to shenanigans in the house. It’s undoubtedly a hefty chunk of change, but still a lot cheaper than any television show where the cast is making hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars per episode. Just another benefit of reality TV programming.
PB: Rashad tells the camera that Darrill is a diamond in the rough, and I just don’t see it. Out of all these guys, disregarding fight skills, if I was to label any of them as something special then it would have to be Justin Wren.
NC: I was rooting for Darrill, but only because I wanted to see him shut Rampage up. Regarding his skills, I agree with you that there wasn’t much of note on the show. Rashad is convinced that he has some serious power in his stand-up though.
PB: If you somehow found Quinton Jackson saying the word “titties” those 4,000 times in the first episode to be amusing in any way, first I hope you never have children and second you’re about to see it driven into the ground so f**king hard that it pops out in a parallel dimension.
He calls Darrill this a half dozen times in less than 30 seconds which eventually provokes him to fire back with “You know what? I’ll drop down to 205 and I’ll kick your ass”.
Proving once again that he loves to talk s**t to people but can’t stand it if any comes back his way, he follows Darrill as he’s walking away and redoubles his efforts.
His “I’ll kick yo ass titties!” is met with Darrill’s challenge to have a sparring session, which is declined. There’s no Tiki here but I’m taking a shot anyway.
NC: Not to mention the fact that if they did spar and Darrill somehow hurt Rampage, he would be in deep trouble and likely kicked off the show while Rampage would just keep laughing all the way to the bank. It’s a blatant abuse of his position on the show whether he realizes he’s doing it or not.
It is deeply disturbing that a veteran like Rampage lets Darrill (who is essentially a nobody on the MMA scene) get under us skin. This would be like Louis CK getting flustered by some random insult comic hijacking a show.
PB: When it’s time to announce the next fight, Evans chooses Schoonover to take on this season’s other favorite whipping boy Zak Jensen. When his initial attempts to get a rise out of him fails, Jackson switches to asking Darrill “Got milk bitch!?” several times until he’s finally told to go f**k himself.
NC: In Rampage’s defence, not a single person laughed when he said it the first time, so obviously the right thing to do in that situation is repeat the same tired joke.
PB: Seeing Darrill step up to Quinton makes me think of two things. One, how I’ve been in very similar situations during my school days. Two, a quote from Farscape, “It’s a show of force, it’s the only thing that Klingons understand!” Foolish as it may have been, I don’t think I’d blame him if he took a swing.
NC: Rashad does the smart thing and steps in for Darrill, much to the constant amusement of Trevor Wittman.
PB: Thankfully, because you can’t make an entire episode with just the word “titties”, it’s now time for things to focus on Jensen and more of the abuse he’s forced to endure. Can we file a lawsuit against this show? Like for second hand emotional battery by proxy or something?
NC: Kimbo has a new nickname for Zak: “Linderman”. So random. I remember there was this fighter named D.J. Linderman who started making waves on the regional circuit a few years ago, and I legitimately thought it was Zak working under an alias.
Here’s Kimbo to explain things as only he can: “To sum it all up: If Shrek had a little brother it would be (Zak). And his name would be ‘Linderman’.”
PB: Wes Sims has started a betting pool for which day Zak will finally crack on and skin everyone in their sleep. There’s nothing wrong with good natured ribbing, but Wes is really starting to push up against the line of being a sadist.
NC: We get a variety of reactions from the rest of the cast. Abe, literate as always, compares Zak to Piggy from Lord of the Flies. For anyone not familiar with that book, Piggy gets killed.
Matt says he likes Zak, though he still thinks he’s going to flip out so he’s just glad that he’s on Zak’s good side. Brendan says that the others are “f**ked up” for doing it, then adds “You’ve still got me for the 16th, right?”
PB: Because there are no TV’s or internet in the house and contact with the outside world is prohibited while on the show, I understand they need to come up with ways to entertain themselves, and that can lead to some really stupid things…
So why don’t they keep a couple boardgames in one of the closets somewhere? I’m serious, just picture Roy Nelson, Kimbo Slice, McSweeney, and Abe Wagner (as the banker) sitting around the kitchen table playing a game of Monopoly. Or what about Marcus Jones, sitting on the floor in a dark bedroom, surrounded by Wren, Demico Johnson, and Schaub. He’s wearing a bath robe pulled over his head because he’s playing Dungeon Master for a D&D campaign he got started.
Think about it, the UFC really missed the boat here. I’d pay money to see either of those.
NC: You’re really assuming that these guys can handle anything more complicated than Candy Land or The Game of Life.
PB: Oh come on, the possibilities are endless here. Mouse Trap and Outburst come to mind. A game of laser tag or a Nerf war maybe. What about Nelson taking on Slice in a game of the almighty CROSSFIRE!!!!! They could at least spring for a deck of Cards Against Humanity, you know?
NC: Speaking of offences to humanity, Darrill proudly shows off a demented tattoo of a clown cutting off a girl’s head and tells people that he got it when he was drunk.
PB: And you see kids? This is why you should never be drunk in public with cash in your pocket, bad s**t like this is what can happen to you. Most reputable tattoo artists won’t work on someone who’s obviously intoxicated, but I guess Darrill found one who was also s**t faced at the time or was simply less scrupulous.
Welp, we made it through almost half of this episode without having to look at Tiki’s face and his Scott Steiner knockoff facial hair. Maybe we’ll get lucky and won’t have to listen to him talk as well. Either way, take a shot.
Ok, I swear to you dear readers, I write all this on the fly. I watch, I pause so I can take notes, then I unpause and continue watching. I don’t go back and rewrite something to setup a joke to try and sound clever, this kind of thing just happens on its own.
Once again…I have spoken way too soon, because here he comes carrying of some sort of wrapped gift. I don’t really care what it is simply because of its association with Tiki, I’m only hoping it’s not a painting of himself in a thong, covered in baby oil, and posed seductively on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace.
NC: Tiki has a collage made of Team Rashad and…come on, Pun, you’ve got to admit that’s pretty sweet:
PB: I highly doubt Tiki actually made this himself, but credit where it’s due, I’ve seen far far worse. Props for having McSweeney’s MMA record right on his shirt as well. If you pay close attention, you’ll see Wren has been given a set of chicken legs and a beak, I remember there being something about a chicken prank during this season, but we obviously haven’t seen it yet. Creative editing at work once again.
NC: Some of the other highlights are Mike Van Arsdale being made up like a transvestite, Roy Nelson as a fat cowboy, and the expected Darrill in a bra. Oddly, Mitrione and Schaub get away unscathed.
PB: A few quick thoughts here. I guess Quinton liked Kimbo’s nipple cap so much, he just had to get one of his own, that or he’s borrowing one and that idea just maks me feel icky. It’s also nice to see that Wes Shivers has finally caught his breath and is apparently training again. And then Jackson shows that he only really knows how to communicate through anger or personal attack by belittling his team once again.
NC: Rampage asks if Zak if he wants him to call Zak’s momma and Zak responds by shoving him, which Rampage likes.
Zak bangs his face against someone’s knee during training and the damage is immediately noticeable. Blood is pouring down his face. You can hear someone enthusiastically yell, “Does that mean he’s out?” I wonder who would say such a thing?
I like Kimbo, but that is a truly f**ked up way to behave.
PB: He’s really showing team spirit and concern for his fellow teammate by instantly assuming he’s now back in the tournament.
NC: This whole segment is disgusting. Like I said at the beginning, I think this season is alright overall, but this is not one of its prouder moments. Tiki and Rampage are all but begging for Zak to not be able to fight, with Tiki saying that he’ll quit at the first sign of adversity anyway. F**king hell, Pun. This would be a good time for one of your anti-Tiki rants.
PB: Ask and ye shall receive. I never have to scrape up new reasons to hate Tiki, because every single week he provides me with a treasure trove of new ones. No one, not a single person likes him except Jackson. He’s not only incompetent at what he does, but he’s just a terrible human being on top of it, the kind of person you want to either never see again or hit with a baseball bat after spending five minutes talking to them.
He’s like the Rob Liefeld of the MMA world. Just, you know without the money, fame, and continued gainful employment.
This week’s gem from Tiki is “You want this, and you know some of the guys on this team DON’T want this!” said to Slice. What exactly in the fresh hell did Arianny Celeste find so appealing about this man? Because it gives me and Alexandra Daddario hope for the future. And, don’t forget to take two shots.
Gee guys, why don’t you just take Zak out behind the gym and put two behind his ear? Give him the Old Yeller treatment, because that’s obviously what you’d rather do to the guy, it would also be more humane.
NC: At least Rampage says that he is proud of Zak for sticking with it, though in a condescending way. He compares it to watching a kid riding a bike on his own for the first time. They know Zak is a grown-ass man, right?
PB: Awwwwww, poor Kimbo has a sad face when he finds out he’s not getting to replace Zak after all.
Ugh, I might have to start a bro fist counter now as well.
While Evans and Nurse are doing some light sparring, they notice the piece of Deviant Art that’s been hung on the wall. “I’ve got a joke for them, 5 and 0” Evans says. He quickly takes it down and hides it in the back room. I would have put it in the bathroom, there’s no such thing as too much toilet paper.
During the weigh-ins, we get another bombardment of “titties jokes” from Quinton along with telling Schoonover to take his bra off. This has been the hardest episode for me to sit through by FAR. I’ve had to step away several times because it just gets to be too much of a chore.
NC: I picture you going for a break and then coming back to Rampage and Tiki taking one last opportunity to mess with Darrill before the fight.
PB: Tweedle Dumb and Dumber scamper to the Team Gold dressing room with a sharpie to deface Schoonover’s name. They add dots to the “OO”s along with the secret word of the day. Their psych warfare is second to none.
Helpful tip of the day, if you need to remove sharpie markings from something, all you need is some rubbing alcohol. It will take it off like magic.
NC: They were probably afraid that Darrill might try to drink it.
PB: “We’re not here to talk you to death.” I CALL BULLS**T ON THAT QUINTON!
Ok, I’ll admit, that is some horrible ink Jensen has on his back.
Team Rampage’s Zak Jensen (7-2) v. Team Rashad’s Darrill Schoonover (10-0)*
(* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)
NC: As both teams predicted, their beloved psychopaths come out aggressive! They land several hard shots on each other. It’s Darrill who eventually gets the better of it, landing some nice clinch knees before tagging Zak against the fence.
Darrill easily snuffs a takedown, then chooses to pull guard to take control on the ground. In the post-fight recap, Rampage and Dana would recall Zak getting a takedown, which is completely incorrect. Darrill then proceeds to set up the slowest triangle choke in history.
PB: As he’s setting up the triangle, he eats about 10 clean shots to the face from Zak before he thinks to try and block some of them. Darrill has it locked in, but I don’t know if it’s a technique or position problem that’s preventing him from really putting the squeeze on. He makes an adjustment and the lights start going out, at the half way mark the fight is called off as Zak is unresponsive.
NC: If only he’d followed Rampage’s advice to “GET OUT! GET OUT OF IT! GET OUT OF IT! GET OUT OF IT ZAK!” he might have turned this whole thing around.
PB: If you thought Quinton would finally start showing some concern for his fighters, or do anything except walk off in a huff, you’d be wrong. Poor Zak breaks down crying in the back, and I don’t blame him, he’s done nothing but eat scoop after scoop of s**t from everyone in the house, and now he’s been choked out.
I guess Kinko’s had 2 for 1 sale, because Team Gold are presented with another copy of the Team Cocky picture. Instead of pissing off and upsetting them like intended, they simply laugh it off, still being undefeated tends to do that.
NC: I was kind of confused by the art unveiling as well. It wasn’t believable to me that they would make two copies, so I think they just messed around with the editing again so they could have their cake (Rashad dealing with it before training) and eat it too (showing Team Gold’s non-reaction to the joke). But at this point I feel like we are putting way too much thought into these things.
Speaking of which, I believe you had a side project of your own for episode 6?
PB: After I was done writing my notes for this episode, I somehow found the strength to re-watch it start to finish just so I could count how many times the special word of the day was either spoken or shown on screen. I seriously thought it was close to 100, it really felt like it, but I was wrong. “Titties” is used 51 different times during this 40 minute show. That means every 0.7 minutes we had to hear it.
Yet another reason why I never watched another season after this one.