Vintage TUF – The Ultimate Fighter Season 10: Heavyweights – Week 6 – Titties

Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot

NewChallenger: Before we go any further, I feel it’s important to note that I actually think TUF 10 is one of the better seasons despite my partner’s protestations. Then again, that’s because many of the seasons since have been some mixture of boring, awful, and pointless. At least TUF 10 is hilariously stupid at times. I’d say it’s one of the five best seasons, a compliment that says more about the TUF franchise in general than anything else.

PunisherBass: Oh really? Next time, you pick the season we recap and prove me wrong.

We open in the TUF house kitchen where it’s 8 AM and the guys are eating their breakfast, only Darrill Schoonover is having his in liquid form. And I don’t mean he’s sipping a Carnation instant breakfast either, dude is drinking beer. He reasons this away to his team by saying he has a headache.

NC: One of my favourite things about these rarely seen heavyweight seasons is that they do not give a s**t about what they’re putting into their bodies.

No ShameSo these are free, right?

PB: Because this is a reality show and the production crew will try and shape the narrative as they see fit, no matter how against reality it is, they use editing here to make Schoonover look like a raging alcoholic. We’re shown him grabbing three beers from the fridge, pouring a glass of red wine (I think), and then eating breakfast with a Long Island Iced Tea.

The problem is that just like Kimbo’s shorts in a previous episode, Darrill’s shirt keeps changing during the montage, so you’re not slipping that past me.

NC: That said, he is still having a beer in the morning and later when asked if he’s been drinking all he can say is “I was drinking yesterday, not today.” And you could probably add a “yet” at the end there.

PB: At the gym, Rashad Evans gives a special introduction for Phil Nurse who will be working with the guys today. Feel free to make up your own greasing jokes because I’ve got nothing. Soon Rashad says he wants to have Brendan Schaub and Schoonover get in the ring so he can watch them spar.

He’s none too thrilled with what he’s seeing and says “We need to get (Darrill’s) cardio right, it’s not where it should be”. Truth be told, he’s hardly the worst offender we’ve seen in that regard this season, faint praise I know, but at least someone is finally talking about the gas tank issue.

James McSweeney tells Evans that Schoonover is an alcoholic and about his recent self medicating, which only serves to piss Darrill off.

In the back, Rashad and his coaches sit him down to have a little intervention about his drinking habits.  They gently suggest that he either cuts way back on his consumption, if not stop it all together, and save it for his first victory celebration.

Off topic, but I’d really like to know what the weekly grocery budget for the TUF house is.

NC: And not just the grocery bill, they’re also able to request all sorts of toys and gadgets especially if it will lead to shenanigans in the house. It’s undoubtedly a hefty chunk of change, but still a lot cheaper than any television show where the cast is making hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars per episode. Just another benefit of reality TV programming.

PB: Rashad tells the camera that Darrill is a diamond in the rough, and I just don’t see it. Out of all these guys, disregarding fight skills, if I was to label any of them as something special then it would have to be Justin Wren.

NC: I was rooting for Darrill, but only because I wanted to see him shut Rampage up. Regarding his skills, I agree with you that there wasn’t much of note on the show. Rashad is convinced that he has some serious power in his stand-up though.

Clinch Elbow TrainingSo we’re not worried about concussions in training at all?

PB: If you somehow found Quinton Jackson saying the word “titties” those 4,000 times in the first episode to be amusing in any way, first I hope you never have children and second you’re about to see it driven into the ground so f**king hard that it pops out in a parallel dimension.

He calls Darrill this a half dozen times in less than 30 seconds which eventually provokes him to fire back with “You know what? I’ll drop down to 205 and I’ll kick your ass”.

Proving once again that he loves to talk s**t to people but can’t stand it if any comes back his way, he follows Darrill as he’s walking away and redoubles his efforts.

His “I’ll kick yo ass titties!” is met with Darrill’s challenge to have a sparring session, which is declined. There’s no Tiki here but I’m taking a shot anyway.

NC: Not to mention the fact that if they did spar and Darrill somehow hurt Rampage, he would be in deep trouble and likely kicked off the show while Rampage would just keep laughing all the way to the bank. It’s a blatant abuse of his position on the show whether he realizes he’s doing it or not.

It is deeply disturbing that a veteran like Rampage lets Darrill (who is essentially a nobody on the MMA scene) get under us skin. This would be like Louis CK getting flustered by some random insult comic hijacking a show.

PB: When it’s time to announce the next fight, Evans chooses Schoonover to take on this season’s other favorite whipping boy Zak Jensen. When his initial attempts to get a rise out of him fails, Jackson switches to asking Darrill “Got milk bitch!?” several times until he’s finally told to go f**k himself.

NC: In Rampage’s defence, not a single person laughed when he said it the first time, so obviously the right thing to do in that situation is repeat the same tired joke.

PB: Seeing Darrill step up to Quinton makes me think of two things. One, how I’ve been in very similar situations during my school days. Two, a quote from Farscape, “It’s a show of force, it’s the only thing that Klingons understand!” Foolish as it may have been, I don’t think I’d blame him if he took a swing.

NC: Rashad does the smart thing and steps in for Darrill, much to the constant amusement of Trevor Wittman.

Wittman LaughingAt least someone is having a good time.

PB: Thankfully, because you can’t make an entire episode with just the word “titties”, it’s now time for things to focus on Jensen and more of the abuse he’s forced to endure. Can we file a lawsuit against this show? Like for second hand emotional battery by proxy or something?

NC: Kimbo has a new nickname for Zak: “Linderman”. So random. I remember there was this fighter named D.J. Linderman who started making waves on the regional circuit a few years ago, and I legitimately thought it was Zak working under an alias.

Here’s Kimbo to explain things as only he can: “To sum it all up: If Shrek had a little brother it would be (Zak). And his name would be ‘Linderman’.”

PB: Wes Sims has started a betting pool for which day Zak will finally crack on and skin everyone in their sleep. There’s nothing wrong with good natured ribbing, but Wes is really starting to push up against the line of being a sadist.

NC: We get a variety of reactions from the rest of the cast. Abe, literate as always, compares Zak to Piggy from Lord of the Flies. For anyone not familiar with that book, Piggy gets killed.

Matt says he likes Zak, though he still thinks he’s going to flip out so he’s just glad that he’s on Zak’s good side. Brendan says that the others are “f**ked up” for doing it, then adds “You’ve still got me for the 16th, right?”

Zak In BedAdding names to the list like he’s Arya Stark.

PB: Because there are no TV’s or internet in the house and contact with the outside world is prohibited while on the show, I understand they need to come up with ways to entertain themselves, and that can lead to some really stupid things…

Mikey Burnett 1Mikey Burnett 2So why don’t they keep a couple boardgames in one of the closets somewhere? I’m serious, just picture Roy Nelson, Kimbo Slice, McSweeney, and Abe Wagner (as the banker) sitting around the kitchen table playing a game of Monopoly. Or what about Marcus Jones, sitting on the floor in a dark bedroom, surrounded by Wren, Demico Johnson, and Schaub. He’s wearing a bath robe pulled over his head because he’s playing Dungeon Master for a D&D campaign he got started.

Think about it, the UFC really missed the boat here. I’d pay money to see either of those.

NC: You’re really assuming that these guys can handle anything more complicated than Candy Land or The Game of Life.

PB: Oh come on, the possibilities are endless here. Mouse Trap and Outburst come to mind. A game of laser tag or a Nerf war maybe. What about Nelson taking on Slice in a game of the almighty CROSSFIRE!!!!! They could at least spring for a deck of Cards Against Humanity, you know?

NC: Speaking of offences to humanity, Darrill proudly shows off a demented tattoo of a clown cutting off a girl’s head and tells people that he got it when he was drunk.

PB: And you see kids? This is why you should never be drunk in public with cash in your pocket, bad s**t like this is what can happen to you. Most reputable tattoo artists won’t work on someone who’s obviously intoxicated, but I guess Darrill found one who was also s**t faced at the time or was simply less scrupulous.

Welp, we made it through almost half of this episode without having to look at Tiki’s face and his Scott Steiner knockoff facial hair. Maybe we’ll get lucky and won’t have to listen to him talk as well. Either way, take a shot.

Ok, I swear to you dear readers, I write all this on the fly. I watch, I pause so I can take notes, then I unpause and continue watching. I don’t go back and rewrite something to setup a joke to try and sound clever, this kind of thing just happens on its own.

Once again…I have spoken way too soon, because here he comes carrying of some sort of wrapped gift. I don’t really care what it is simply because of its association with Tiki, I’m only hoping it’s not a painting of himself in a thong, covered in baby oil, and posed seductively on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace.

NC: Tiki has a collage made of Team Rashad and…come on, Pun, you’ve got to admit that’s pretty sweet:

Team CockyPB: I highly doubt Tiki actually made this himself, but credit where it’s due, I’ve seen far far worse. Props for having McSweeney’s MMA record right on his shirt as well. If you pay close attention, you’ll see Wren has been given a set of chicken legs and a beak, I remember there being something about a chicken prank during this season, but we obviously haven’t seen it yet. Creative editing at work once again.

NC: Some of the other highlights are Mike Van Arsdale being made up like a transvestite, Roy Nelson as a fat cowboy, and the expected Darrill in a bra. Oddly, Mitrione and Schaub get away unscathed.

PB: A few quick thoughts here. I guess Quinton liked Kimbo’s nipple cap so much, he just had to get one of his own, that or he’s borrowing one and that idea just maks me feel icky. It’s also nice to see that Wes Shivers has finally caught his breath and is apparently training again. And then Jackson shows that he only really knows how to communicate through anger or personal attack by belittling his team once again.

NC: Rampage asks if Zak if he wants him to call Zak’s momma and Zak responds by shoving him, which Rampage likes.

Zak bangs his face against someone’s knee during training and the damage is immediately noticeable. Blood is pouring down his face. You can hear someone enthusiastically yell, “Does that mean he’s out?” I wonder who would say such a thing?

Kimbo KaresOh.

I like Kimbo, but that is a truly f**ked up way to behave.

PB: He’s really showing team spirit and concern for his fellow teammate by instantly assuming he’s now back in the tournament.

NC: This whole segment is disgusting. Like I said at the beginning, I think this season is alright overall, but this is not one of its prouder moments. Tiki and Rampage are all but begging for Zak to not be able to fight, with Tiki saying that he’ll quit at the first sign of adversity anyway. F**king hell, Pun. This would be a good time for one of your anti-Tiki rants.

PB: Ask and ye shall receive. I never have to scrape up new reasons to hate Tiki, because every single week he provides me with a treasure trove of new ones. No one, not a single person likes him except Jackson. He’s not only incompetent at what he does, but he’s just a terrible human being on top of it, the kind of person you want to either never see again or hit with a baseball bat after spending five minutes talking to them.

He’s like the Rob Liefeld of the MMA world. Just, you know without the money, fame, and continued gainful employment.

This week’s gem from Tiki is “You want this, and you know some of the guys on this team DON’T want this!” said to Slice. What exactly in the fresh hell did Arianny Celeste find so appealing about this man? Because it gives me and Alexandra Daddario hope for the future. And, don’t forget to take two shots.

Gee guys, why don’t you just take Zak out behind the gym and put two behind his ear? Give him the Old Yeller treatment, because that’s obviously what you’d rather do to the guy, it would also be more humane.

NC: At least Rampage says that he is proud of Zak for sticking with it, though in a condescending way. He compares it to watching a kid riding a bike on his own for the first time. They know Zak is a grown-ass man, right?

PB: Awwwwww, poor Kimbo has a sad face when he finds out he’s not getting to replace Zak after all.

Ugh, I might have to start a bro fist counter now as well.

While Evans and Nurse are doing some light sparring, they notice the piece of Deviant Art that’s been hung on the wall. “I’ve got a joke for them, 5 and 0” Evans says. He quickly takes it down and hides it in the back room. I would have put it in the bathroom, there’s no such thing as too much toilet paper.

During the weigh-ins, we get another bombardment of “titties jokes” from Quinton along with telling Schoonover to take his bra off. This has been the hardest episode for me to sit through by FAR. I’ve had to step away several times because it just gets to be too much of a chore.

NC: I picture you going for a break and then coming back to Rampage and Tiki taking one last opportunity to mess with Darrill before the fight.

Door PrankComedic geniuses.

PB: Tweedle Dumb and Dumber scamper to the Team Gold dressing room with a sharpie to deface Schoonover’s name. They add dots to the “OO”s along with the secret word of the day. Their psych warfare is second to none.

Helpful tip of the day, if you need to remove sharpie markings from something, all you need is some rubbing alcohol. It will take it off like magic.

NC: They were probably afraid that Darrill might try to drink it.

PB: “We’re not here to talk you to death.” I CALL BULLS**T ON THAT QUINTON!

Ok, I’ll admit, that is some horrible ink Jensen has on his back.

Team Rampage’s Zak Jensen (7-2) v. Team Rashad’s Darrill Schoonover (10-0)*

(* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)

NC: As both teams predicted, their beloved psychopaths come out aggressive! They land several hard shots on each other. It’s Darrill who eventually gets the better of it, landing some nice clinch knees before tagging Zak against the fence.

Darrill easily snuffs a takedown, then chooses to pull guard to take control on the ground. In the post-fight recap, Rampage and Dana would recall Zak getting a takedown, which is completely incorrect. Darrill then proceeds to set up the slowest triangle choke in history.

PB: As he’s setting up the triangle, he eats about 10 clean shots to the face from Zak before he thinks to try and block some of them. Darrill has it locked in, but I don’t know if it’s a technique or position problem that’s preventing him from really putting the squeeze on. He makes an adjustment and the lights start going out, at the half way mark the fight is called off as Zak is unresponsive.

NC: If only he’d followed Rampage’s advice to “GET OUT! GET OUT OF IT! GET OUT OF IT! GET OUT OF IT ZAK!” he might have turned this whole thing around.

Sleeping JensenPeace at last…

PB: If you thought Quinton would finally start showing some concern for his fighters, or do anything except walk off in a huff, you’d be wrong. Poor Zak breaks down crying in the back, and I don’t blame him, he’s done nothing but eat scoop after scoop of s**t from everyone in the house, and now he’s been choked out.

I guess Kinko’s had 2 for 1 sale, because Team Gold are presented with another copy of the Team Cocky picture. Instead of pissing off and upsetting them like intended, they simply laugh it off, still being undefeated tends to do that.

NC: I was kind of confused by the art unveiling as well. It wasn’t believable to me that they would make two copies, so I think they just messed around with the editing again so they could have their cake (Rashad dealing with it before training) and eat it too (showing Team Gold’s non-reaction to the joke). But at this point I feel like we are putting way too much thought into these things.

Speaking of which, I believe you had a side project of your own for episode 6?

PB: After I was done writing my notes for this episode, I somehow found the strength to re-watch it start to finish just so I could count how many times the special word of the day was either spoken or shown on screen. I seriously thought it was close to 100, it really felt like it, but I was wrong. “Titties” is used 51 different times during this 40 minute show. That means every 0.7 minutes we had to hear it.

Yet another reason why I never watched another season after this one.

Schoonover Victorious

Vintage TUF – The Ultimate Fighter Season 10: Heavyweights – Week 5 – Shower Shenanigans

Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot

NewChallenger: This week opens up with a lovely reminder that Team Rampage is off to a 4-0 start. Let’s not forget that just three seasons earlier, Rampage had coached opposite Forrest Griffin and started the same way. The streak was broken by Tim Credeur in week 5. Would he have any such luck this time around?

PunisherBass: While rolling with Darrill Schoonover, Matt Mitrione has apparently injured or reinjured his shoulder. He’s requesting a cortisone shot to which Evans is heavily objecting to. He says they’re only two weeks into this with four more to go, and if he gets one now without even having fought yet, he could do even more damage to himself.

While they’re riding to the gym, Team Silver member Marcus Jones says he’s anxious to fight and gives his best version of a maniacal laugh. Sorry Big Baby, I give you an A for effort, but there’s a reason why JDS checks under his bed for Ben Rothwell every night.

When Rashad tells him he’s getting his wish, Marcus’ face lights up like a Christmas tree.

NC: Unfortunately, Marcus doesn’t realize that Rashad is kind of messing with him. Any attempts to clarify the situation for him are ignored and he’s convinced that Rashad gave him his word.

PB: During Team Silver’s training session, Quinton is lamenting the fact that his guys are down four-zip to Rashad. He then says they’re the reason for his sour mood and even blames their losses for affecting his own performance in the bedroom. I wonder if he used this as one of the reasons he went on TRT?

NC: It would suit him since along with BJ Penn and Tito Ortiz, Rampage is one of the masters of excuses.

PB: Not having a human trouser stain as your #1 assistant might help as well.

Jackson says he’s going to teach them how to “wall walk”, or basically how to get to the cage and back up to your feet after being taken down. This would have come in real handy during week 3, and I know this is new footage since the cage mat is now blue instead of gray. This is like slamming the barn door after the horse has already escaped.

They try teaching this to Zak Jensen with Kimbo holding him down, Quinton then bags on him by saying he was the last one picked because he had the least amount of skills… NC, what was Jensen’s MMA record up to this point?

NC: Zak was a sterling 7-3 with his notable fights being first round submission losses to TUF alums Brad Imes and Mike Whitehead.

PB: Thank you. So yeah, to he’s not the best guy in the cast, but to say he’s the least skilled when Kimbo is in the same building is just an insult. It’s also no way for a coach to be talking about one of his own fighters, especially not if he’s trying to motivate them.

And to his credit, Jensen admits that he’s not comfortable off his back, and that it’s a flaw he needs to correct.

NC: It’s a good thing he has such a calm, steady motivator like Rampage to guide him.

Slap HappyYou do NOT slap a man.

PB: Back at the house, the Mark Twain quote thief with frosted hair apparently had an issue during his morning shower. As if Zak hasn’t already been s**t on enough in this episode, his own teammate is now pissed at him. Wes Sims is claiming that Zak left a puddle of splooge on the shower floor, which he stepped in and nearly hurt himself.

Just for fun, let’s list the euphemisms used here. “A whole family of Jensens” “Jerked Mr. Happy” “Big ole pile of fermented mayonnaise”. Everyone sits around cracking various jokes about him while he’s in his bed writing.

NC: In their testimonials, James McSweeney says that Zak has no idea how to cope with being bullied and Brendan Schaub says Zak is sensitive and shouldn’t be there.

I always feel bad for guys like Zak who are clearly brought in to fulfill this weird “everyman/sad sack” role made famous by the likes of TUF 5’s Wayne Weems and, of course, TUF 1’s Jason “Strange Brew” Thacker.

PB: While Team Gold is getting ready to hit the mats, Meathead clutches his left arm to his chest and has Brendan wrap him in plastic wrap like he’s Thanksgiving leftovers. I have no idea if this is a legit thing to do or not, so I’m going to put it next to Kimbo Nun Slice as “Bizarre S**t On TUF 10”.

Shoulder WrapKeep in mind, this was long before the UFC had an insurance program.

Here’s a question, do we know if Meathead is left or right handed? Maybe he’s the one who “seeded the shower” and that’s really how he hurt his arm?

After, we see him do some solo one armed shadow boxing, which I’m convinced the producers put him up to.

One Hand ManThis is just damn silly.

And now he’s running on a treadmill and telling Evans that he wants to fight next. Rashad asks him “Why? Why over everyone else who’s here?”

NC: Matt tells Rashad that he’s a guaranteed win. According to Meathead, he’s too hurt to practice but not too hurt to compete. Uh…

PB: Meathead is basically an enigma wrapped in a lot of contradictions with a healthy dash of utter confusion on top, which makes my brain hurt.

During Team Silver’s time in the gym, Wes Shivers (still benched I might add) recites Sims’ Shower Shenanigans Story to Quinton. Damn, exactly which one of the MMA Gods did Jensen piss off to have this much s**t rain down on him? While in a triangle choke with Sims, he goes to sleep and must get woken up by Tiki rubbing his chest.

I’d like to know how Arianny Celeste didn’t involuntarily scream in abject horror whenever the same thing happened to her.

He’s out of it enough to where the medics are called in and fit with him an oxygen mask. I’d make a joke asking where these things were for the past four episodes, but I don’t have to heart to.

NC: I think you just did.

Rampage has no sympathy for Zak (shocker) and says that if it was him who had passed out in practice like that, he would have moved to another planet.

OxygenAm I fitting in yet, guys?

Back at the house, Matt is driving the rest of the team crazy with all of the stuff he’s doing with his shoulder besides training. Shooting hoops, throwing the pigskin, probably jackin’ it in the shower like Zak as you mentioned…I’ll be honest, this was the depiction of Mitrione that stuck in my head for a while. I rooted against him in his first few UFC appearances until I realized that 1) he’s a fun fighter to watch and 2) he might be an assh**e, but no more than most of the folks you see on reality TV shows.

PB: Schaub and Nelson sit and imitate what he just said doesn’t hurt it, but surprisingly they refrain from doing the classic jerk off motion.

NC: Or at least it didn’t make it to air. I think it’s cool to imagine that these two were sticking together from day one with the knowledge that they were a step ahead of everyone else. It’s one of the reasons I tell people to watch these older editions of TUF, to see well known and successful fighters having to jump through these hoops to make it to the big show. Can you believe that the likes of Forrest Griffin, T.J. Dillashaw, and Rashad himself had to go through this crap?

PB: In training, Matt is getting the “Kimbo treatment”, aka Nelson is on top of him and has the job of trying to get out. This is the same guy who six years later went for his first official takedown in the UFC and was instantly choked out moments later. So you can imagine how well this goes.

NC: If there’s one good moment for Matt in this episode, it’s his dialogue about wanting to switch out his arms:

“…kinda like the old He-Man figurines where you could just pull off an arm and put, like, Ram Man’s arm on there, I might do that. Or Cringer. Cringer had really strong arms, I could probably use his. Actually, he was Battle Cat when he was strong, maybe I’ll use Battle Cat’s.”

PB: And we still have his whole “I went to go visit my wife… IN MY HEAD!” thing to deal with in the future.

On the ride back to the house, Marcus says “I’m too tired to masturbate right now” to which Abe Wagner says “You know who’s not?” Even as childish as this all is, I’ll still take it over more Tiki.

NC: Big Baby is still going on about being picked to fight even though he was given zero confirmation that that was actually the case.

PB: At the fight announcement, Rashad pulls a Russo and picks Justin Wren to fight Wes Sims and Jones looks crushed.

NC: Maybe he was just confused by Justin and Wes’ post-pick antics.

Weird FaceoffWe honestly have no idea what this means.

Big Baby proceeds to have a bitch fit about not getting to fight. Re-watching it now, these Marcus Jones segments are as tired as I remember them. I’m all for the “big, sensitive guy” trope, but this is just boring.

In Justin’s info segment, we learn that he fights out of Travis Lutter’s camp. You all might remember Lutter as the middleweight winner of TUF 4, for missing weight in a subsequent title fight with Anderson Silva, and for being the Michael Jordan of Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

I’m starting to remember why I liked Wren. His soft spoken demeanour won me over. He really comes off as a thoughtful individual. Even when he’s announcing that he’s going to put on a show for all of the people watching on Spike TV, it comes off as more dutiful than boastful.

PB: Slice says Wren is a “Greco-Roman whateverthef**k that is wrestler”. If you’re a fighter signed to the UFC, shouldn’t you at least know what the difference is between freestyle and Greco-Roman wrestling? I do and I’ve never even done either.

First Kimbo Kard of the episode with him asking how he’s going to get another fight. It sounds like he’s planning to pull a Showgirls if that’s what it will take for him to be a replacement. I think we might have our third suspect for what happened in the shower…

My thoughts on Sims are 1: He’s a tall mofo, tallest in the house in fact at 6’9. 2: He’s a real character.

NC: He has a tendency to talk like someone who has taken too many blows to the head. I actually feel kind of bad for him. He’s just trying so hard to use this show as a platform to promote himself.

Sims BellyMoments like this are why they don’t do more heavyweight seasons.

PB: I only feel bad that he later had to job to Bobby Lashley in Strikeforce. At the weigh-ins, Wren takes his shorts off to reveal he’s wearing a pink leopard print speedo.

NC: A glorious pink leopard print speedo.

PB: Indeed, Dennis Hallman would be proud. He comes in at 247lbs so well played. Not one to be outdone, Sims drops his drawers to show that he’s wearing what has to be the world’s biggest thong, he weighs 251lbs.

NC: I would call that a “banana hammock”.

ThunderwearWe stand corrected: THIS is why they don’t do more heavyweight seasons.

PB: Instead of laughing along with everyone else, Quinton decides to make some homophobic jokes.

NC: We might need a new drinking game.

Team Rampage’s Wes Sims (23-12-1 [2 NC]) v. Team Rashad’s Justin Wren (7-1)*

(* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)

PB: The fight begins with Wren tying Sims up against the fence and Wes attempting a few foot stomps.

NC: Say what you want about these fights so far. That is some sweet ass foot stomping.

StompamaniaDance!

PB: After a separation and another tie up, Justin wrestles him to the ground.

NC: That was caused by Wes inexplicably abandoning his jab for a completely useless kick.

PB: He quickly switches from side control to north south then back to side control before applying an arm triangle choke on Sims.

Only 90 seconds in and Herb Dean calls it off, though I think Wes was clearly out for a good 5-10 seconds before he stepped in. You even see him allllllmost call it before backing off again a few times. This was more one sided than Nelson/Slice was, you couldn’t even nuke a bag of popcorn before this fight was over.

During the replay, we see that while Herb was checking to see if Wes was responsive, Quinton was yelling at him “Get out! You know how to get out of this!” Too little too late.

NC: Don’t forget these other gems from Rampage’s corner: “You know what he’s doing” and “He doesn’t got it”.

Arm Triangle KONo he doesn’t. And yes he does.

PB: In the cage, a very confused and disoriented Sims is trying to get to his feet but being told to stay down by Herb and the doctor while Trevor Wittman pours cold water on him. Do you want to take a guess where Jackson is during all this and what he’s doing?

NC: At his fighter’s side, clasping his hand tenderly with tears in his eyes?

PB: He’s sitting on the edge of the cage with his back to Wes, bitching and moaning to Tiki about another loss and asking why this keeps happening.

NC: Oh.

PB: Shivers tries to defend Quinton’s actions, more like inaction, by saying he’s a fighter and not a coach. So is Rashad, but he’s still putting in far more effort than Jackson is.

Wren and his team are happy and excited after moving to 5-0, and they don’t plan to let their stranglehold on the tournament go anytime soon. A post fight celebratory belly bump between Justin and Roy gets the thumbs up from me.

In the back room, Quinton continues to sulk and says “We can’t make ‘em fight”. And then Tiki says what is in my mind the most infamously stupid and downright moronic thing said in this entire season. And trust me, I don’t make that statement lightly.

He says “We can’t fight for ‘em.” Now just let that sink in for a minute.

Don’t take two, but take three shots this time, because this is a special occasion. Tiki saying s**t this like this perfectly highlights why a lot of people wish a house would fall on his head.

Before everyone leaves, there’s a conversation/argument between Quinton and Rashad. Evans tells him he could do better and Jackson just tells him that he isn’t a coach and only knows how to handle himself, not other fighters.

And then Rashad delivers this epic putdown to Tiki, he even gift wrapped it and put a nice big bow on it! “Tiki, just because Rampage doesn’t go in the cage doesn’t mean you don’t have to go in the cage either”. BOOM! HEAD SHOT! And all Tiki can do is stand there schtum.

NC: Tiki just took it like the obedient lap dog that he is.

PB: Quinton suggest that the whole reason he hasn’t been checking on his fighters post fight isn’t about a lack of respect, but rather doing so would make him so angry he’d do something that would require the cops. Not really the best thing to say after that monster truck incident.

In the preview for next week, there’s heat between Jackson and Schoonover, Jensen continues to wish this show was over already, and they play the Kimbo Kard again when someone gets injured.

NC: “Oh God, thank you. I get to bang again.” The most blatantly misleading Kimbo Kard yet!

Wren Victorious

Vintage TUF – The Ultimate Fighter Season 10: Heavyweights – Week 4 – Kimbo Komeback?

Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot

Punisher Bass: “The most anticipated showdown in Ultimate Fighter history?” NewChallenger, is there any truth in that statement?

NewChallenger: I’d certainly say so. Outside of the finale fights, the only matches with much hype behind them were Josh Koscheck/Chris Leben (huge at the time) and maybe Gray Maynard/Nate Diaz. Though I can’t remember either of them having near the level of buzz as Kimbo’s first fight on TUF.

PB:  “But is this really the end for Kimbo?” 30 seconds into the episode and we already have our first Kimbo Kard of the night.

NC: Just to clarify for any new readers, a “Kimbo Kard” is any shameless attempt by the show to imply that Kimbo could be returning to the competition even though he was eliminated last week.

PB: As we’re shown highlights from last week’s fight, Team Silver fighter Scott Junk provides us with these little gems.

“Kimbo was looking good.” No, no he wasn’t, not unless he was playing charades and trying to imitate “Hybrid of fish on land crossed with upside down turtle”.

“Kimbo looked good, his gas levels were nice.” Even by the extremely low standards that have been set so far, there is no way anyone should be saying that with a straight face.

“Kimbo made one mistake in the second round when he threw that knee, and I think it basically cost him the fight.” Oh we’re deep into the bulls**t now.

“Kimbo didn’t know how to get out of that move and there’s been champions who’ve been finished in that move, you know?” That comparison is an insult to anyone who’s ever held a belt in any major MMA promotion.

“Kimbo did super well I thought, he was just outclassed on the ground”, I rolled my eyes so hard I think I broke something.

NC: If I hadn’t actually watched the fight myself, I’d think that Kimbo was really good. Unfortunately, I did and he isn’t.

PB: They’ve spent the first 5 minutes of this episode trying to put some of the bloom back on this rose, but once the toothpaste is out the tube, there’s no shoving it back in.

Nelson tells Quinton that the counting out loud helped him because he lost track after the 10th punch. This pisses him off enough to where he gives Roy a shove as he’s walking away and continues to lob insults at him after he’s out of the cage. Trash talk is a one way street with Jackson, he loves dishing it out but can’t stand it coming back at him.

NC: Justin Wren and Roy celebrate with a belly bump, much to their delight of their teammates and to the disgust of pretty much everyone watching at home. In a somewhat related note, I thought Justin was going to become a heavyweight contender for reasons that escape me at this moment.

Belly BrosHow’d you like to be in the middle of that man sandwich?

PB: As a fat guy, I approve of the belly bump celebration, it’s better than a bro fist at least.

In the back, Jackson says to Kimbo “We’re gonna keep working with you and turn you into one of the best fighters out here homie.” Yeah… no.

“Only thing that kept you on the ground was his weight” Quinton says, and Tiki follows him up with “He was the IFL champ and he was scared to stand with you, he almost got knocked the f**k out. He had to take a desperation shot.” Tiki, hair dye is meant for external use only, I’m willing to bet that there’s an “avoid ingestion” warning label somewhere on the box. And if you’re playing at home, take a shot.

NC: They refuse to acknowledge that Nelson is a well regarded BJJ black belt. There is just no accountability whatsoever. Tiki says that Roy probably isn’t happy with the win. I don’t know, he seemed pretty happy to me.

Nelson Victorious PB: “He was pounding the s**t out of me up there. He didn’t hurt me though, I can take a punch” says Kimbo. Isn’t that kind of an oxymoron?

Another Kimbo Kard, reminding us that he can be tagged in if someone gets injured.

NC: The first 10 minutes of this episode are dedicated to keeping the hope of a Kimbo return alive.

PB: I know they’re trying to paint him in a sympathetic light here, but I have a hard time buying it when he was probably getting paid more to be on the show than the rest of the cast put together.

Marcus Jones is doubled over in the kitchen and sweating as bad as I do in 110 degree heat. James McSweeney calls it a “sweat attack”, Brendan Schaub says he thinks it’s from Jones not being used to training like a pro fighter, and as Kimbo is fanning him off with a shirt he says to him “You may not be able to fight”.

Marcus’ reaction to this is akin to being told about scientology for the first time.

NC: It might be a bad sign that the act of staying physically fit is actually killing Marcus.

Matt Mitrione gets some shine in the next gym segment. Rashad praises him for his athleticism. I admit, I didn’t think much of him, probably because he was giving me a Vincent D’Onofrio in Full Metal Jacket vibe. Wait, maybe that should have made me take him more seriously.

PB: While the guys are having their training session, Rashad and his coaches are in the back going over their gameplan for the rest of the tournament, who they want who to fight, and they bring in each guy one by one to let them know what the deal is.

Because this is still a reality show, the title of this episode was “Snitch”, after Mitrione is filled in, van Arsdale tells him “Don’t tell nobody, keep it to yourself” as he’s walking out.

Wren comes back into the room to inform the boss that he and Junk (their preferred matchup) are good friends and have a history together, so he’ll do it but that he really doesn’t want to. Rashad (remember, this was before the shakeup at Greg Jackson’s) says he understands and couldn’t imagine having to fight one of his own friends.

NC: Rashad compares it to having to fight Jardine, which he actually had to do to make it to the finals of TUF 2 (though presumably that was before they became training partners).

PB: Team Silver comes in for their training session and Quinton calls Roy a fatass over and over.

Jackson says that Marcus Jones is a big dude who doesn’t know how to go at half speed, as we’re shown clips of him putting several of his teammates down with hard strikes and torquing on subs too much.

NC: He also tries to big up Scott Junk by saying that Junk eats forks and knives and staples. That makes him sound incredibly stupid, not tough.

PB: Back at the house, a little birdie has told Junk about what his future holds and he wants to hear confirmation from Wren on whether it’s true or not. That “little” birdie was none other than Meathead.

Dramatic Turn*DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN*

During breakfast the next morning, Justin confronts Matt over the leakage, and Wren is willing to forgive and forget. He’s a good dude, you need look no further than what he’s been doing in the 6 years since this show ended for proof of that. Schaub and the rest of the team on the other hand are more than a little pissed at the situation he’s created.

NC: Matt expresses his regret and says he’d jump on a grenade for the team. Schaub says it sounds like he threw the grenade this time. Ouch.

PB: McSweeney thinks he did it to get out of fighting Marcus because Meathead’s solution is to “just switch them up, change the fights.”

NC: Man, I’ve said it before, but I can’t stress enough how much better these older seasons were about teasing storylines and setting up potential match-ups.

PB: On the van ride to the gym, Schaub asks Matt “What were you thinking?”

“I am just an assh**e, really. It’s what I am.” Well… at least he knows.

At the gym he confesses his sins to Rashad and the other coaches, and they take it better than I would have. I would have let the team smear him in honey and then tie him to a red ant hill.

Outside the building, Quinton and his coaches have a “secret” meeting about the matchups. Tiki, being the incredible unwashed assh**e that he is, decides to start throwing rocks at a group of birds nearby. Take a shot.

When it’s time for the fight announcement, Rashad chooses Schaub to face Demico Rogers.

Dana White says that Brendan is a big dude, but “not anywhere near as big as Demico”… we’re told this while they’re standing face to face and are clearly the same height. In fact, Sherdog lists both men at 6’4. I will not tolerate your lies and bulls**t Dana.

NC: Tiki then tells Demico that he wants him to explode on Brendan’s face. Phrasing. Drink up, partner.

PB: After some more words outside, it looks like Quinton has given up his F-350 for an Audi while the trunk in Evans’ car is ridiculously small, you’d have a hard time fitting a single body in there without liberal use of a chainsaw, and even then it would be tight.

NC: I’m sorry, I have to take this moment to fully transcribe Rampage’s fantasy about wanting to murder Rashad:

Rampage UnhingedHave you ever thought about just punching somebody in they face and just…your fist keep going through the back of their brain and *brain exploding sound* and through their nose you pull out their brain *gaaaaaah* you just throw it back and you spit on it *ptew*. You know what I’m sayin’? Then you kick ‘em in the nuts.

PB: Back in the gym, after a Schaub training montage, we get one for Rogers.

“This fight is tailor made for you man, these guys f**ked up, they picked the wrong fight.” Well Tiki hasn’t been correct about a single thing yet, maybe he’s like a broken clock and it will happen eventually. And don’t forget to take a shot.

On fight day, Demico walks into the back to find Junk sitting there alone, his coaches are literally out to lunch while Schaub finds all of his ready and waiting for him. I’m sure this is just creative editing, but they show Rogers sitting around with his team like they’re all waiting for a bus while Brendan and his are getting ready to go to war.

NC: When Rampage and his crew finally show up, Tiki makes a play on words with “wrap” and “rap” and starts rapping. I can actually feel Punisher Bass seething even though we’re not watching at the same time and this actual episode aired six years ago.

PB: Do you know what the difference between Tiki and Kimbo is? Kimbo actually managed to notch a W in the UFC while Tiki went 0-4 during four different stints in the promotion, he also went 0-3 in the WEC. I should add, he was also finished in all of those fights as well.

Out of all the ways I have and will be trashing Tiki in the weeks to come, that right there is probably the biggest insult I can lob at him. He’s a less accomplished fighter than Kimbo f**king Slice.

NC: I love it when you get worked up like this. And I’m just going to remind everyone again that Tiki used to date Arianny Celeste. That’s the one that really sticks in my craw.

Team Rampage’s Demico Rogers (4-0)** v. Team Rashad’s Brendan Schaub (4-0)*

(* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)
(** Rogers had zero pro fights prior to this show, so we’ve listed his amateur record)

PB: Before this fight starts, I’d like to point out that at the time I was picking Schaub to win the tournament. All I knew about him was the he was a friend and training partner of Shane Carwin, but that was enough for me. Remember, I was still a newbie to the world of MMA.

NC: I wouldn’t blame you for that. He was also singled out as someone who worked with Rashad and his team before the show.

The game plan was for Demico to set up his takedowns with punches. So, of course, the first thing he does is shoot in with no set up whatsoever and nearly get trapped in a choke.

PB: After his first takedown gets stuffed, Demico completes the second and gets told to “score points” by Quinton while he’s in Schaub’s guard.

NC: Demico actually looks…kind of great passing into side control to land some big elbows.

PB: After some well placed fence grabs by Schaub, he’s able to reverse and lock in an anaconda choke and get the tap with a little over 1:40 left to go in the round.

Schaub AnacondaRemember what we said about him almost getting caught in a choke earlier…

While Team Gold celebrates moving to 4-0, Tiki asks Jackson if they should get Rogers a stool, to which he replies “What he need a stool for?” and walks away. Really showing how much you care about your guys there Quinton.

NC: Again, we know reality TV is all about manipulating footage, but…this is some damning evidence. It’s only made worse by what Team Rashad does next.

PB: Trevor Wittman goes over to help Demico get back to his feet and he and Rashad give him some words of encouragement as he hugs them both. After he gets a stool, Evans is still talking to him in the middle of the cage. The fight didn’t last long but he sure is tired. This is why we called this The Season That Cardio Forgot.

Fun fact, after this season, Demico wound up joining Wittman’s Grudge Training Center.

“He really got tapped out by an anaconda choke?” Quinton asks to no one in particular. This is followed by “I don’t believe in all that passing the guard crap when you’re in good position to punch…coaches, we need to have a meeting for real!”

In the back, I can’t really understand what he’s saying, but I think it boils down to “Our guys suck, so we need to keep things simple, we can’t give them complex instructions. They’re not on our level, they’re too green. I can’t deal with this, it’s too much for me”.

NC: I’m mixed on my feelings about Rampage as a TUF coach. On the one hand, he’s clearly the worst at it and has little to no interest in actually helping his fighters improve. That might not be fair. He doesn’t show that he has any idea about how to help his fighters improve. There we go.

On the other hand, his schtick is entertaining for the most part. And as I mentioned in a previous post, he seems to be in on the joke. The joke being TUF itself, naturally.

PB: I think, no, I know I was far more involved and had more emotional investment in my BECW teams than Jackson has shown here.

As Schaub walks to the back, he’s still breathing harder than he should be considering the fight ended several minutes ago (in their time).

Ok, I was wrong last week, they don’t end this episode with a Kimbo Kard, but I’ll bet my lunch money that they do it more often than not.

NC: Normally, I like to end every TUF post with a shot of the victorious fighter, but after going 4-0 I think it is okay to shine some light on the coach himself.

Rashad Happy“We kickin’ Rampage’s ass!”

PB: Next week, the show spends way too much time focusing on a “whole family of Jensens” left in the shower. Why did I ever think recapping this season would be a good idea?

Vintage TUF – The Ultimate Fighter Season 10: Heavyweights – Week 3 – KIMBO FIGHTS

Reliving The Season That Cardio Forgot

Week 3

Punisher Bass: In the opening recap, we’re shown about five seconds worth of footage from Shivers vs. McSweeney last week and it consists of the opening bell, four or five leg kicks James throws, then him getting his hand raised. Good, the less of that the better.

“Can former IFL champ Roy Nelson overpower the street fighting legend? Or…will Kimbo show up to do what he does best?” Mike Rowe asks me.

I don’t know Mike, is it too much to ask for both?

After the intro credits, Kimbo is sitting in the bedroom talking about getting right with God and such to Abe Wagner. If I’m perfectly honest here, between the glassy eyed look and the fresh stitches on his forehead, poor Abe looks like he was recently given a frontal lobotomy. I’m only half surprised he’s not wearing a gown and gluing macaroni to a paper plate while Slice is talking.

NewChallenger: We get a glimpse at the kinder, gentler, more thoughtful Kimbo as he puts things “in perspectives”. It’s not easy being Kimbo.

By the way, now is as good a time as any for me to say that if anyone has a problem with CM Punk keeping his working name, then I don’t want to hear you use the name “Kimbo Slice” anymore either. Make sense?

PB: *Cough*#RallyForTheGreenRanger*Cough*

NC: I mention this because the former Reality Kings bodyguard refers to Kimbo Slice as if it is another person altogether.

“I guess whenever I decide to shave the beard…that’s when I’ll probably put Kimbo at rest. But will Kimbo ever be at rest?” Whoa.

And then of course, this classic:

Inner Kimbo“It’s not that it was the enemy. It was the inner me! The inner me. The inner me! The inner! THE INNER ME.”

PB: As Kimbo tapes some b-roll training footage outside, Schaub, Mitrione, and Schoonover are in the kitchen talking about the upcoming fight. Outside, before he’s even finished his jog, Slice is already out of gas and needs the help of his teammate to make it back to the house.

NC: The three guys make a good point about what a huge event this could be anywhere else. Both Nelson and Kimbo could make at least a few hundred grand from it, so for anyone who thinks the UFC exploiting its fighters is a recent development, it isn’t.

PB: Rashad and Trevor talk about how talented Roy is, but how he’s also very much a lone wolf (acting as his own manager and training out of his own house) and how they need to break him of that. They can help him grow as a fighter and they want to, but he has to start listening to their instructions.

NC: It’s his greatest strength and his greatest weakness, something that holds true to this day.

PB: Oh my goodness, it’s “The Dean Of Mean” Keith Jardine! Mr. CrazyNippleTweaker himself! Maybe he caught wind of Kimbo’s head and felt compelled to stop by?

NC: Don’t leave out his starring roles in such cinematic classics as Crank: High Voltage and Gamer!

PB: Fun fact, after shooting an episode of Breaking Bad with Jardine, actor Dean Norris thought he was actually the infamous Techno Viking. He had no idea they were not the same person.

And here’s the walking used baby diaper, Tiki. Take a shot. No, take two this time.

Quinton does the old “you’ve got something on your shirt” gag to Keith. Don’t people normally stop doing that after the 3rd grade?

NC: Yes, but they shouldn’t. Never fails to get a laugh from me. By the way, I’m 30.

Old Gag*boop*

PB: Evans keeps asking Jackson if his jaw hurts because Keith is there, to which Quinton takes umbrage. They get in each other’s faces and start smack talking each other, while Tiki stands next to both of them grinning like the village idiot.

The confrontation ends when Jackson says Evans’ breath is horrible so he pulls Tiki in front of him to act like a human shield. Now that’s a job he’s perfect for! Also, take two more shots.

NC: Rashad, ever the counter-puncher, was winning the argument by countering Rampage’s claim that Jardine stepped up so that Rashad wouldn’t have to defend his belt by pointing out that Rampage refused to take a short-notice fight against him at a different date. And Quinton, ever Quinton, chose the path of least resistance.

Take CoverIf only Rashad’s breath actually was bad enough to make Tiki’s facial hair fall off his face.

PB: Ah s**t, looks like I was wrong, now it’s time for McSweeney and Jackson to trade verbal jabs. Quinton tells him he can’t understand what James is saying and that he needs to “Speak American!” I take another shot just for myself.

NC: As far as British accents go, McSweeney’s is pretty mild so I’m not sure what Rampage is going on about. He trains at Wolfslair in the UK!

PB: Is the alcohol starting to kick in or Kimbo trying out for the lead in a Flying Nun remake? Seriously, with that towel on his head (over the nipple cap I might add) it looks like he’s wearing a nun’s habit.

Kimbo NunI know he said he was feeling closer to God at the top of the episode, but this might be taking things a tad too far.

I’m not even listening to the conversation he’s having with Quinton, I’m too distracted by the sight of Kimbo Nun Slice. And just like that it’s time for another training montage.

NC: Kimbo’s headgear isn’t the only thing about his appearance that Rampage gets fixated on. The trademark beard causes Coach Quinton to go on one of his infamous tangents:

“You ever lose a chicken bone in there?” And then he asks Kimbo if he’s a black Jew.

PB: There better not be much more Tiki in this episode, I’m running low on Knob Creek.

NC: Don’t look now, but…

PB: Oh god damn it! “Do whatever you’re comfortable with, there’s no wrong thing you’re gonna do down there”. I don’t care if Tiki was only getting paid in used chewing gum for this gig, it was way way too much. Time for another shot.

Quinton is worried that Kimbo is going to have trouble getting a big guy like Roy off of him, so Tiki calls Zak Jensen over to roll with Slice for a while. Remember how I described Slice’s grappling training as a “pity f**k” last week? Second verse same as the first.

NC: You know, at least Rampage recognized the scenario they should be preparing for. I mean, he offers no actual constructive criticism other than to tell Tiki that he’s not happy with what he’s seen so far, but he’s trying!

PB: Kimbo is struggling for all he’s worth while Zak just kind of sits there using the least amount of energy or skill require to stay on top of him. I’ve seen broken mechanical bulls put up more of a fight.

Ride 'ImYee. Haw.

“I’m fixing it” Tiki says trying to alleviate Quinton’s fears. Take another shot.

NC: I suppose it’s worth mentioning that they…don’t really come up with a solution to the Big Country conundrum.

PB: Did you know that Roy Nelson is fat? No? Well Quinton Jackson is here to tell you in about 20 different ways.

NC: And not one of them is particularly funny.

PB: “Picture yourself knocking this guy out, and I promise you it’s gonna happen!” I don’t think Tiki could pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. Take another two shots.

Moments before, Quinton was bitching that they didn’t have anyone near Nelson’s weight for Kimbo to train with, now we see Slice talking to Wes Shivers in the house. The fact that no one just had Wes run a couple laps around the cage and then lay on top of Slice as 280lbs of dead weight is just poor resource management.

In the backyard Nelson tells his less experienced teammates that if you’re on top of someone and hitting them clean, it doesn’t matter if they’re light little taps or serious bombs, the ref will have to step in because they’re not being defended intelligently. Foreshadowing?

NC: I was going to say, that whole segment could have used a *spoiler warning* tag.

PB: Another training session for Team Silver, and there’s a lot of huffing and puffing going on, it’s a good thing the UFC Gym isn’t made of straw (it is made of cardboard though) or else this would be the perfect start to a live action Three Little Pigs. Whatever workout they’re doing is apparently too much for Marcus Jones as he walks off the mats.

Quinton is sandwiched between Wagner and Shivers on the bench watching the guys work out, and he asks if Marcus is changing his tampon. I guess Abe and Wes are under medical suspensions with no contact allowed? Or does Quinton figure since they’ve already lost there’s no point in working with them any further?

NC: Do you think Quinton even remembers their names after they lost?

PB: Good point. Marcus says it’s his knee, he’s not injured but it is bothering him, enough to where he needs a break. My own bad knees begin aching in sympathy.

NC: Maybe so, but I don’t have a lot of sympathy for Marcus’ attitude. You know when you’re trying to talk down a significant other or your kid or something and no matter what you say they take it the wrong way? That’s how it is with Marcus here.

First, Marcus gets further aggravated when one of his teammates steps up to fight next despite Marcus’ desire to do so. Rampage points out that he wants Marcus to be at 100%, which he can’t be if his knee is bothering him.

Marcus takes this as Rampage not believing that he can win, which isn’t anywhere close to what his coach is saying. After some time, Rampage is able to talk the big man down, though not before threatening to put his foot up his ass if he starts to act like that again. Good talk.

PB: The show takes a moment to focus on Jones a bit more. He says he’s a big softie at heart, he plays D&D and collects comic books, he also likes to garden.

NC: I really can’t say enough what a great job these older seasons did of showcasing fighters ahead of time, not just on the episodes where they’re scheduled to fight. There’s a direct connection between this lack of attention to detail and the show’s current state of irrelevance.

On an unrelated note, we get a bonding moment between Marcus and Kimbo and I can’t help but picture what a kickass professional wrestling tag team they would be.

PB: What would they be called? “The Huff N Puff Express” with their finisher “The Big E”?

Oh we’re doing weigh-in s**t now? Slice weighs 230 lbs while Nelson comes in at 264 lbs. Roy may not look like an action figure, but he’s one of those fat guys you really don’t want to mess with.

NC: Alas, Both guys decline to weigh-in with their shirts off.

PB: “What’s gonna happen? I don’t know” Dana says, and I think he’s fibbing. One fighter is a guy who knocks others out with cinderblock fists and once beat Frank Mir in a grappling competition, and the other was knocked out cold by a skinny guy half his size who was hopping backwards on one foot at the time. Remember?

Slice-PetruzelliNC: In the show’s defence, this was before Nelson became the insane knockout artist that we would see in the UFC.

PB: Another training montage for Kimbo, and clearly it’s a mix from several different days since his shorts keep changing from cut to cut to cut.

NC: I’m in awe of the amount of editing that must have gone into making Kimbo look more competent than he actually is.

Wes Shivers sounds like he’s reading a hostage note as he praises Kimbo’s work. Though Wes always sounds like that.

Bull TrainingWith training methods like this, it’s a wonder that Rampage has such a poor coaching record on TUF.

Team Rampage’s Kimbo Slice (3-1) v. Team Rashad’s Roy Nelson (13-4)*

 (* Records according to Sherdog, not the records listed on the show)

PB: After some jabs back and forth, with Nelson throwing and landing more, Kimbo tries throwing a leg kick. Would you believe that Roy is actually the faster fighter here? Most of the clock is eaten up with Roy clinching Slice against the cage before getting him to the ground with a nice trip and a little over 90 seconds left.

Nelson might as well be fighting a training dummy here because he goes from side control into full mount in about half a second. Kimbo is totally out of his element here and all he can do is grab hold and start praying for a stand up.

NC: Just as Rampage had feared, that big ass belly is all over his number one pick’s face.

PB: With one minute remaining, Roy goes for a kimura but quickly switches to side control and gets Slice in a crucifix against the cage and begins tagging his now completely helpless foe. Kimbo tries to push off the cage in hopes of shaking Nelson off, and he almost pulls it off but Roy reverses and maintains top position before easily regaining the crucifix.

Nelson starts going to town on Kimbo’s head again while he just lays there flopping his legs, no hip movement or further effort to escape, he’s looking into the face of the abyss and has resigned himself to his fate.

That’s basically the last 30 seconds of the round.

NC: It’s amazing how Roy implements his game plan exactly as he said he would. Once he’s got that crucifix, he can land as many unanswered shots as he wants and it doesn’t even matter if they’re doing any significant damage. The whole thing just looks so bad for Kimbo.

I do wish Roy didn’t get so desperate as the round ended. He was all but begging for Herb Dean to call it.

PB: During the rest period Kimbo is exhausted but is opting to stand with his hands over the cage.

Tiki says “He does NOT want to stand with you Kimbo!” Oh if I actually had a time machine and stun gun… Take two shots.

Quinton tells him that if (If? If? Hahahahahahah) Roy takes him down again, just tie him up until the ref resets them.

As soon as round two starts, Kimbo starts looking for a knockout so that means throwing haymakers only. After 30 seconds Slice tries kneeing Roy in the gut only to be taken down for his trouble, and this time there is no fence to help him.

NC: Oh, that fateful knee. It really looked like he’d hurt Nelson too. If only he hadn’t been compelled to do his best Sagat impression.

Bad Idea KneeTIGER! D’OH!

PB: I know I keep saying it, but Slice is completely and utterly lost while on his back. He’s not even trying to escape and he’s unable to tie him up for the possibility of getting a standup.

Now the round becomes a carbon copy of how the last one ended. Nelson goes for a kimura which leads directly into the crucifix, and is then followed by him teeing off on Kimbo’s dome. I start counting the unanswered shots in my head moments before I realize that Team Gold is already calling them out for me, pro wrestling style. After about 22 unanswered shots Herb Dean finally steps in and calls it off.

Count ItGet thee to a nunnery!

NC: Yeah, but imagine how much better Kimbo would have done if he’d just listened to the advice of his mentor:

Rampage: “Let’s go! Don’t let him do that. You gotta go!” All good options.

PB: Because Roy just humiliated Dana’s shiny and expensive new toy in front of the largest audience in TUF history (more on that in a minute), White is more than a little pissed off at Big Country. He also complains that “Roy did just enough to win and not get hit.”

NC: Are you saying he didn’t appreciate Roy asking him and Lorenzo for a double whopper with no pickles? These guys really did not like each other from day one.

PB: This pisses Dana off even more when he should be happy, since he’s giving a free plug to TUF sponsor Burger King.

Surprisingly, instead of walking off in a huff again, Quinton sticks around after the fight and makes the excuse that Nelson was simply just too big for Slice to get out from under. That’s the only possible reason and not that Kimbo has about as much grappling ability as my dead grandma. I’d be willing to bet that Kimbo would struggle against an old WWF Wrestling Buddy if he tried to grapple with it.

The episode ends with White trying to polish that turd of a performance by saying how ballsy it was for Kimbo to join TUF in the first place. Then he lays this little gem on us, “And one thing about The Ultimate Fighter, it’s never over until it’s over. There could be another opportunity for Kimbo to get back in there and fight again.”

This is where what I call the “Kimbo Kard” was birthed. It’s a cheap ploy they’re going to use every single week from here on out, and they’re doing it in hopes that constantly teasing his re-entry into the tournament will keep the ratings high.

This is how they will begin and end every following episode. If a fighter says he wants to go home, they play the Kimbo Kard. If Wes Sims slips in a puddle of j**z in the bathroom and stubs his toe, they play the Kimbo Kard.

NC: Spoiler: he doesn’t come back.

PB: So the episode ends with Team Gold now 3-0 against Team Silver, and nothing looks like that’s going to change it any time soon.

And I’m sending Tiki the bill for the cost of restocking my liquor cabinet.

Nelson VictoriousEpilogue

PB: This was a landmark episode for TUF, at least it was ratings wise, it set such a high watermark that in the six years since it first aired, no other has ever come close to even matching it let alone top it. Not even having Brock Lesnar or GSP as coaches could do it. It was all because of Kimbo and the casual viewers he brought in, they either didn’t know or care that he wasn’t a very good fighter, they just wanted to see him.

Just how many casuals? Try 2.4 million. This episode was watched by 5.3 million people as it aired, that was up from the 2.9 of the previous week and the 2.8 the week after this. I think it’s a shame that this had to be the most watched fight in TUF history and I also think it’s bulls**t that Dana tried to place the blame solely at the feet of Nelson.

Though I have to wonder, if Roy had knocked him out in 20 seconds, would Dana have been more or less pissed off at the result than he was here?

NC: The only “Nelson wins” scenario that I could see Dana being happy with is if the two slugged it out for three rounds ending in a close split decision. He must have known about Nelson before the show and had to realize that the man was going to play it as safe as possible until he’d made it to the finale. If Roy chose to throw caution to the wind, it might have endeared him to Uncle Dana.

As it stands, they’ve never had a gimmick like putting Kimbo on the show. I would have loved to have seen them do the same with CM Punk, but I couldn’t see him agreeing to do it considering he had a lot more leverage than Kimbo going in. And even then, I don’t think he has the crossover appeal of Kimbo. Say what you want about his MMA performances, he has a mystique that can’t be manufactured.

PB: Can’t be manufactured? What about Dada 5000? If he was any more of a walking talking Kimbo clone, he’d be sued for copyright infringment.

NC: Call me when he gets called up to main event with Ken Shamrock.

Next week…I mean, who really cares? Kimbo already fought.